DSD, exams, new boyfriend, attitude....

[BuzzLightbulb]

Maybe should be in the teen thread but...

DSD is 16 and has been living with us full time for the last cpl months so she has a set routine to revise for her exams.

It had been going really well, she seemed to be knuckling down, showing signs of some maturity, and as a family unit we were getting on really well.

New boyfriend then arrived on scene and everything has now changed. She's not revising, she's out all the time because he doesn't have exams as he's on the lower level course assessment only classes. She skips meals, doesn't come home until she feels like it, treats the house like a hotel and her mum like sh*t.

She seems to think study leave is a holiday, so normal house rules no longer apply.

Fair enough it's her life, and if she makes the decision not to bother despite all the encouragement and support we have tried to give her then so be it. We can't sit the exams for her.

The problem is this is stressing DP and she's not sleeping while she's waiting for DSD to decide to come home. DP is not sure how to handle DSD, attempts at sensible conversations with DSD are a waste of time.

And that is really affecting our relationship, just feels like DP is looking for a fight all the time. And I know it's just because she needs to vent, but knowing that doesn't help and we've been going to bed not talking pretty regularly recently.

I'm trying to stay out of this and leave it between parent/daughter but I am sorely tempted to have a word with DSD and explain to her the impact her behaviour is having.

Or should I just stay out of it and ride the rollercoaster?

I think it's very hard for anyone else to tell you whether interveneing would help or not. Sometimes I mediate successfully between my DSD (16) and her dad, other times I stay out of it. It's a fine line to judge and depends very much on the relationship you have with her, the nature of the fall-out, etc. Broadly speaking I tackle her directly when it's something that affects me and the rest of the household - eg will she please not eat all the food in the fridge, etc. But I leave it to her parent to deal directly with things concerning education, or her life but not anyone else's. And sometimes I help mediate when I think my DP is being a bit harsh on her, or I can help them both to find a compromise.

You don't want to undermine your DP though, so sometimes it might be better to try and diffuse the situation, and then talk to her afterwards if you think she's being too harsh on DSD. Or talk to DSD when she's calmed down. I don't think 16 year olds are terribly sympathetic to the need to stop their parents worrying about them or not sleeping though - they tend to take the attitude that that's the parent's silly fault and they never asked them to worry about them did they? So I might work on helping your DP to relax rather than blaming her DD for when she worries about her. You might manage to get some ground rules in place about saying what time she'll be home, or responding to texts though.

Agree it's not fair to 'blame' DSD for stressing out her mum but as you suggest all those things she does agree to like home time, studying time, not having b/friend round all day, meal times etc need to happen.

Or at least some communication around adjusting them.

Could you have a chat on a more friend like level? It might get through to her more than a parent...
Like explaining how upset her Mum is and how much you know she'll regret ruining her exams.

Yeah, that's kind of the relationship I have with her.

Other signifcant adult in her life if you get what I mean, nowhere near parent. Closer to referee.

Will be a difficult conversation to have without pressing the 'interfering button' and causing another row!!

nowhere near parent. Closer to referee - I feel like that sometimes!

Anyone who has seen my recent threads will know that DH and I certainly don't have this cracked!
But...as a general rule (and DH & I have the DSC full-time with no mum involved, so maybe I am more involved for that reason), I try to leave the issues that do not directly impact on me or our younger DD to my DH to sort out (doesn't mean I don't let him know what I think, though!).

Things that do affect us, we have 'house rules' or make joint decisions about. This has actually worked really, really well over the longer course of our marriage - the problem though is when there is a sort of 'incidental' affect - DSS's current attitude towards his schoolwork is a piece of a larger problem that also encompasses his attitude towards chores and responsibility and disrespect for the adults in his life generally - so it can be difficult to treat one symptom and not another, IYSWIM!

In your shoes, I would let DSD know that she needs to follow house rules about mealtimes, respect for other family members, picking up her own mess. And make consequences for those things, with whatever currency you have available.
Leave the rest to her mum as best you can.

Think I'm sensing some consistency here which is good!

We'll see who's home when I get there tonight, if the b/f who isn't supposed to be around is there I may just do some gardening!

Though I have some words of wisdom for the b/f around not coming round in the middle of the night, covered in sweat from his run when the house is in darkness and ringing on the doorbell because he 'left some stuff' !!