Am I the only despairing, hopeless case?[long]

[Morwenna]

This is a vent really, would be interested to hear other pov's if only to try and understand my situation better. I can't be the only person to be struggling in these type of circumstances. Really gets me down sometimes. (please advise if this is wrong thread - not a SP yet, but pending!)

DP, dd7weeks and I live a frugal existence in fairly cramped accommodation. Not really an issue, as the 3 of us are very content with each other. DP has an excellent job, about to be promoted and the future definitely looks better than the present - not a bad thing at all!

DP has 2 children from a previous. His ds5 and I have met on many occasions, and we get on brilliantly. DP is "allowed" to have contact with ds once a week, overnight, at the grandparents. The problem is the other child, his dd1. Due to the absolutely horrible timing of DP's departure from their relationship and home - DP's ex was 7 months pregnant - the subsequent relations between them are extremely bitter. Although I wasn't on the scene at that time, I am often on the receiving end of the general hatred as she feels it is appropriate that I shoulder the blame. I am not excusing DP's timing and I am not excusing the fact I have had a child with him - however his reasons for leaving her were certainly valid (unfaithfulness on her part for one thing). She recently physically assaulted him when he went to collect his ds - illustrates how bad it's becoming. She has absolutely (in my opinion) no cause to behave like this - he pays the mortgage (~£800) and the CSA payments (~£700) per month, and all the extras - leaving him, dd and I very short each month. He dare not change it or access to ds is stopped and the contact he has with dd is already restricted to seeing her through a glass window. It terrifies DP that contact will be stopped, he dotes on his children.

Our option of course is to pursue through the courts for contact and PR. It will cost us £5-10k. We do not qualify for legal aid (she does, and loves reminding us of this fact). We have initiated proceedings, as DP is being promoted and we have to move about 100 miles away so contact and PR are very important issues. We cannot move without it being established, yet she would lose her house and payments if we didn't move - yet she insists he cannot have PR and cannot have dd1 access.

DP and I have a very close relationship, and while our dd was not planned, she is a happy accident, and I am lucky in that he is a very much hands on father and adores her. He even helps with the housework while I breastfeed and then rubs my feet! We plan on getting married next year.

I suppose the part that depresses me is that we can barely afford to buy food, due to the pending court action, yet she drives a very expensive car and still expects DP to pay for school shoes and repairs to her house. I hate that she laughs at us about how court action will ruin us, and will not permit paternal grandparents to meet dd1 - ever(they are desperate to see her).

I look at my dd sleeping so peacefully and treasure every single moment together, and I wouldn't change a thing about her creation - but it terrifies me that she will miss out because of a stupid and spiteful woman. I feel like there's nothing I can do.

Does anyone have any advice, comment, perspective or commiseration to offer? From any point of view, I promise I can take it

Well, it sounds like a ver sad situation, not to mention a difficult one.

I have to say that IMO the most important thing is that DP fights for his children. I alos think that your own child will not notice missing out on things for quite some time yet.

I know it is hard to go through (believe me I know!) but the fight does not go on for ever and at the end of it all you will have a proper basis for a family life where everyone who should be a part of it is. I would also suggest that he gets the courts to look into exactley what he pays. It seems to me that if your figures are accurate then he is overpaying by a long way.

Anyway, I hope you get things sorted out, I think that your family is worth any amount of money and hardship but it can be a bitter pill at times.

Thanks SecurM, and indeed both DP and I are both committed to ensuring we support his children's needs to have contact with him and if that means an expensive court battle, then that is just the way of things. Our dd at least has both of us all the time, which is something the other two miss out on. Sadly ds5 is already flummoxed as his name has been changed, and he is remarkably close to DP (like peas in a pod, they are!) so when his contact is denied by BM he gets very distressed. I am worried that even if contact is settled via the courts she will openly flout agreed contact or make it difficult. This is the sort of person she is and one of the reasons he left her in the first place.

As for mortgage and payments - yes DP overpays. He has had no variations made for mortgage, overnights or our dd. If he does contact with ds5 will cease, and the fleeting glimpses of dd1 will become nil. I can imagine his pain if this happens - like I said he is so close to ds5.

I know time will sort much of this out, and in the interim I must try and pour oil on troubled waters where possible and not inflame the situation (partly why I am venting here and not at a certain someone's letterbox!). I will do that because that is what is better for our dd and ds/dd his. I just hope that one day this all seems a little "fairer". Paying what he does so willingly to support his children, yet having barely any contact (I know the two are not conditional on each other but this entitles her to acting -not- in the best interests of the children!) and having to accept her word as law in all that happens in our lives frankly makes me sick to the core. I only hope that the two children do not learn from her antics (some of them are pretty unpleasant).

Thanks again, helps to be reminded it's the long-term family that is important - and I know we will get there eventually.

Just a bleak day today

Morwenna, I am sure it will come right in the end. She may flout the rules etc, which means you end up back in court again and again and again if required. But eventually she will have to give in. The reason I mention going through the courts for maintainence because he is so heavily overpaying that having the courts set it would mean she cannot use the amount to deny contact (or if she does you haul her back into court again).

I really hope that this comes right sooner rather than later for you all, it is awful when children are old enopugh to actually be aware on some level what is going on and yet are too young to do anything about it. I really feel for you all. Good luck - and feel free to come along and sxcream and shout as much as you need - we may sometimes present you with the sensible option but we will always listen (sorry it was so quiet when you posted last night - there are many others here who have been through these things too)

Morwenna,
DH was in much the same situation with contact to his DD at the start of our relationship.His ex had him over a barrel,he dare not ask for more contact for fear of losing it completely.He also had no money to take it to court,as his ex was having alot of money each month in maintainance.
It was an issue that needed resolving,as he could not move on with his relationship with his DD and it tore him apart,everytime his ex stopped contact on a whim.He finally decided it needed sorting when she physically attacked him with stepDD in her arms.
He handled his case himself,it was quite easy,he bought a book on family law and applied for PR,contact alone with stepDD and later over night contact.Each application cost him about £36(about 11 years ago),but the court combined the contact and PR application so it worked out even cheeper.
He won all his cases,dispite his ex paying for a very expensive lawyer.
All this happened about 11 years ago,(stepDD now 12yo)but it was very important as a starting point,for his relationship with her.
We now have DS twins of our own(nearly 8yo),all the children have grown up together and have become close.Things with his ex calmed down alot after she realised she did not have control anymore,and you could even call it amicable these days.
I know that in your position at the moment,it doesn't seem that everything will have a happy ending,but it can.
It's very stressful,it becomes very shitty at times but it is worth it in the end,you just have to be really supportive to him.
This year we took our first proper holiday,with all three children.Seeing them playing on the beach together,being so happy together really brought tears to my eyes.They insisted on sleeping together in a big kingsize bed every night, and DH was the happiest man alive!!

Thankyou both. I certainly feel a little more hopeful now. I am trying my hardest to be a big girl about it all and not to sink to the mud-slinging it could be. I think you raised an interesting point about "control" - and I really feel this is the bottom-line - it's been about control since the start.

Using your children to control others (whether it's ex's, gp's, family members) is wrong. Why do so many women do it? I hope I never ever use my dd to hurt, extort or control others, and that's what makes me different to her and that's why I have to keep trying to be as supportive and as mom-confrontational as I can. Ain't gonna be easy but I only need to look at dd and know why.

As for the money, I don't care. I'd rather the children (and therefore DP)are happy and feel loved.

Thankyou both, feel much "lighter" now.

I've been where you are Morwenna. When I met dh his x was preventing him seeing his little girl. He stopped calling at the house when he was assaulted by his x and her then partner. I cannot imagine for one second how it must feel to only be able to see your baby through a window. How totally heartbreaking for your dp. I can remember dh talking about how devastating he felt when he turned up to see his daughter, only to be turned away by his x's new partner. As he walked up the garden path, he turned and saw his x sitting on the stairs, holding their little girl and laughing . When I see what a fantastic Daddy he is with our dd, who is now the same age, I just don't understand why or how she could have done it.

DH had to go to Court to get a contact order. It wasn't pleasant by any means and his x threw a lot of mud and made up all sorts of lies about him. She once laughed at him when he was trying to persuade her to let dd come to see us, and told him "I hold all the aces, you'd better get a better deck to play with". I think for her too it was all about control - she wanted to say if and when dsd saw her daddy (she preferred never). It was also about "getting back at him" as she said as much. Why? All dh had done was not felt the same way about her as she did about him.

Your dp doesn't need to use solicitors to get a contact order. DH did initially and when we could no longer afford it he decided to represent himself. He found that the Courts were sympathetic to him and he felt he was able to say much more than he would have done had he had a solicitor. Definitely worth thinking about. I also think the sooner the better that you start proceedings. You don't have to put up with this. My dh missed 2 years of his little girl's life but he doesn't regret for one minute going to Court because now he has a wonderful relationship with his dd and she comes to stay with us loads.

We're now about 7 years down the line and things are so much better. At stage dh's x couldn't bear to be in the same room as him and couldn't have a civil conversation, but last weekend when he dropped dsd back at her mum's he went in and had a cuppa. That was something I never thought would happen. So hang on in there, I suspect you're in for a rough ride, but it is worth it and things do get better. And anyway, now you've found mumsnet, you've got us too.

Thanks again, have talked to dp about this and we're both of the same mind - to do what is right by the children. Seems to me in this kind of situation it is the fathers doing right by their children and are being penalised - I wondered why those men were dressing up as superheroes - now I think I understand a little of how they must feel having watched dp's torment over the last year or so.

We're agreed, we'll do what it takes to get him established contact and parental responsibility. It's ridiculous she gets public funding for trying to deny a father his legal entitlement to know his children. But this too shall pass. And I am breastfeeding so I better stay calm =p

Thanks all, much appreciated, much relieved, and much more hopeful for a better outcome.

Good luck. It will be worth it in the end. What you don't want is for his children to come looking for him in years to come and asking him why he didn't bother doing everything he could to see them.