SD's upcoming birthday party... should I be there?

[VoiceGirl]

Hi again! Alright, so quick summary: My DP's daughter still thinks we're only friends due to some delicate circumstances revolving her and her mother and a lot of therapy currently. It's just not the right time. He and I have been deeply in love for close to 10 months now, and we work together, so his daughter thinks I'm a friend through work, and we do spend a lot of time together, the three of us. The divorce is still in process due to a soon-to-be messy custody battle, but he and the BM have not been together for years.

So, his daughter turns 5 in two weeks. His BM and I have not met, but she knows of me, and she is also dating. Mind you, the woman is quite bitter, combined with being mentally ill (clinically diagnosed many times over...) They are planning the birthday party and have yet to speak about whether or not each parent's significant other should be there, too. His daughter (I already consider her to be my SD! Love her dearly...) has met me and her BM's DP, but his daughter does know that her BM's DP is just that... a significant other, that Mama is dating someone.

Bottom line - I really want to be there for her birthday, but I'm afraid the BM will make the occasion about her if she feels threatened by my presence there - especially since we have yet to meet. She is quite angry as a person and when she feels out of control about something, she explodes. It's bad enough she calls my DP every three minutes to discuss menial things. Just to remain "connected". Yes, it's a mess.

Any suggestions?

I sympathise as a stepmum. It can often be an absolute minefield and if BM is mentally ill, that much more difficult. After more than 5 years of being a stepmum, I can tell you that there will probably be umpteen occasions (if you have an unreasonable BM - not all are) when you have to take a back step for the sake of the peace (and it can be very frustrating and infuriating).

It's not necessarily right or fair, but in your current circumstances I would be wary of going to the party if there's the slightest doubt she might create an atmosphere or a scene. After all, if the little girl ends up upset, even if it's her mum's fault, you could end up feeling awful for having been the catalyst. Furthermore, if she is of the "bitter & twisted" BM variety, she could well use the event to badmouth you ..... along the lines of "VG upset mummy", "VG ruined your party" ..... it doesn't have to be a logical, or truthful, recollection of events for it to be used against you if someone is determined to look for "evidence" against you.

When is DP going to broach the subject of you being there ? 2 weeks away isn't long for her to get used to the idea.

To be honest, I'd stay away this year unless you receive an obvious well-intended invitation. I appreciate you're very fond of SD and it's natural to want to share her special day but I'm not sure either if it's the right place for you to meet BM for the 1st time, and when you add her volatility into the picture, do you really want to risk an "explosion" ? There will be plenty more birthdays, and hopefully by then, DP will have smoothed the way for you to be there if that's what you want.

I would caution you though to be prepared for the possibility that you may never be welcome at skid events if BM is in charge of organising them. I've never been to any of my skids' parties which is somewhat bemusing when it's also been my money that has contributed towards it (DP's and my money is considered joint household income). However, BM made her mind up right from the start that she hated me - even though we've never met - and even though I met her ex 2.5 years after they separated, and she herself has had umpteen boyfriends. I take a pragmatic view now and it no longer bothers me, partly because she's the sort of person who makes up all sorts of ridiculous stories on the flimsiest basis, and I know that her seeing me in the flesh would, in her tiny mind, somehow add fuel to the fire. I'm also pretty certain that DP wouldn't be "allowed" to attend if "that woman" also came ! Ho hum.

How about you and DP organising an alternative birthday treat which you can be fully part of ? Maybe a trip to a theme park (somewhere like Legoland for a 5 year old) or a film & pizza type day out ? That way she'll have something additional to enjoy and will associate you with a great day out - as opposed to possibly ending up associating you with a "scene".

You're amazing. Thank you SO VERY MUCH for sharing you thoughts with me. I got so teary eyed!! My DP and I just read your post together, and although we've a lot of difficulties lately, we immediately started planning on an alternative birthday for my SD and we both had actuallly been thinking of the same place to take her to. It breaks my heart that you have not been able to enjoy special events with your skids due to the unreasoable ex - I sympathize 100% and feel your pain. My DP and I are not even married yet and already share joint funds for life (including, of course, money for his daughter and her events), and I have yet to enjoy special events with his daughter. Looks like I'll be sitting this one out... for the peace of the little girl's mind, as you mentioned. I spoke with my mother about this earlier today, and we already agreed that this would be the ultimate decision. It hurts, but this is not about me. It never will be. So, I'm learning... this will take some time, but my DP is worth it entirely, and so is his kid!

Thank you!