two families in one

[opalina]

I find it hard sometimes to function as 1 whole family unit. ds1 is mine from previous relationship and ds2 and dd3 are mine and dh's. I didn;t really notice a problem until recently, but going through old photo's the other day just highlighted it and brought it to the fore once again.

Most of the pics had either ds1 or ds2 and dd3 in them, dh rarely featured in pics with ds1 and there were no pics of us all as 1 family. Just lots of me and ds1, or me dh and ds2, dd3.

I am beginning to feel like my eldest is separate to the rest of the family, and worry that he feels the same. Surely he must feel something,even if it;s just a unconsious one.

DH and ds1 get along fine, but lack the bond and are quite awkward around each other. Even though DH has been around for 6 years now, and ds1 is 9.

Not sure what If im asking what to do, or just if anyone else feels the same, but just wanted to get it off my chest. Don't get me wrong, it's not an obvious sepatation, but it is there in subtle ways, like in the photo's, and I often feel stuck in the middle betweem ds1 and dh.

I think the lack of bond is a bit inevitable when it isn't your own child. I can feel the difference between how I feel about dsd (who doesn't live with us) and dd - it's not that I'm the wicked stepmother, I love dsd dearly, but it just isn't the same as the the way I love dd, and that's not me, it's nature.

It's funny you mention photos. I suddenly became aware that we'd had studio photos done of dd and of dh and I and dd. We had on display one of the ones of dd alongside dsd's school photo, but on the telly was dh, dd and I. So the next sitting we had, we did one of all 4 of us - and what a fab photo it is. Nothing was ever mentioned, but I did wonder if dsd secretly felt that we hadn't included her.

Does your ds1 see his own dad? It is difficult as a step-parent. I don't want to step on dsd's mums toes, it's a difficult line to tread as I want her to feel as much part of the family as dd is and treat her as such, but I've been told all too often by her mum that she's nothing to do with me and I don't want to offend her.

Have you discussed it with your dh? I think my only suggestion would be - if they don't already - for ds1 and dh to have some time on their own doing something.

Not sure I've been much help, but I do sympathise.

Is your ds1 in contact with his father. My dad isn't my biological father. He met my mum when I was 2 and married her when I was 4. Bio father was never on the scene, and shortly after they married, my dad adopted me. He and my mum then had 2 more children. I don't remember much about the beginning of it all, but I can honestly say that I have never in my memory felt my dad to be anything apart from my dad, and I'm certain he feels the same. He has never treated me differently to the other two, who I NEVER think of as half-brother and sister, and we certainly do have "the bond". The only time it has ever come up is on my wedding day, when he told me that he couldn't be prouder of me or love me more. I know it goes against accepted wisdom these days, but I am actually profoundly thankful that my biological father never stuck around. I think that would have made things very different.

Actually, my parents are divorced, and I do have a stepfather, who I love, but not in the same way as my dad. So I have it all!!!