I just want some time to myself, am I selfish?

[LollyPop87]

Hi everyone,

Have posted here before and found it really helpful.

My partners son (I'll call him dss in future as its quicker, although we are not married) is 7, and lives in a different city with his mum. I enjoy spending time with him and like him very much.

I find it hard sometimes as he can have massive tantrums very easily, and I feel like I'm not allowed to get involved in discipline. My dp (who is lovely btw) has mentioned that he finds it strange when people who are not the parent discipline the child (this must be the only thing we disagree on!)

Dp also doesn't give dss a strict bedtime when he is here as it is during the holidays, so I feel like I never get any time to myself.

If I want to watch a programme in the evening I have to do it to the sound of quite loud playing in the background, so its impossible.

I am a teacher so my only time off is during the school holidays.

In the summer holidays, we normally have him every other week.

This year, his mum wants us to have him for five weeks. Five weeks.

I feel like a horrible person, but I am gutted. I look forward to the summer holidays so much. Time to myself, spend time with dp, chill out, do whatever I like. But it's been taken away, I won't be able to do any of those things. The entire holiday (bar one week which I'll spend in school because its the week before we go back) will be child centered.

I just don't know what to do to make it easier and feel quite upset. I do like my dss alot, but it makes everything so different. I just wanted some time to relax, and I feel like I will never get it :(

Its just the little things, like getting up late, chilling in my pjs, goinf for a walk at my own pace, coming back and watching whatever tv I fancy. I was so looking foward to it :(

I'm so sorry if I sound horrible, I'm not I promise! I'm just abit upset.

What vodka jelly said. That's massively unfair op.

She's taking the piss for free childcare.

Has he got 5 weeks leave to use during the hols?

If I were you - and I have been there - I'd make sure he is the one doing the holiday childcare not you - after all it's your holiday too; and you have lesson planning and prep and research to do around having a break yourself. If you let this one go you will have the whole holidays taken up with childcare from now onwards.

After all, if you aren't allowed to discipline him then how can you be left alone with him? It just doesn't fit.

And I'd support your MIL in him offloading onto her as well; sounds like she wants to have some time on her own as well.

And yes, he needs to keep to the bedtimes of school time plus 30 mins/1 hr during hols. Otherwise it will be ultra hard to get him back into it when term time comes.

And again, it's your evenings too...you are allowed some adult time in your own house. If he lived with you full time, you would stick to established bedtimes, wouldn't you?

Book two weeks of those week long holiday clubs. My DC love them and beg to go! He'll be out 9-5 maybe wearing himself out and should sleep well.
Book yourself a week away. At the end before you have to go back into work?

That should make it more bearable.

I do think though, you know, what if his mum died or became very ill? You'd have to do this all the time. Think on perhaps before you decide to settle with your P and get married if you aren't sure you want that commitment.

I always think it's about strange when someone says "don't be prepared to live with a part time dad unless you're prepared to have the kids full time".

No one ever says don't buy a house with your partner unless you can afford to pay for it on your own in case he dies, or don't get married unless you're prepared to have your in laws live with you full time because they might get made homeless.

You can only make decisions on what you have at the time. You can't commit to being a full time step parent if that's not what you're being given. Yes things do and can change but you can't live your life on what ifs.

As for the op, I think you need to set some firm boundaries now both to the ex and to your dp because if you don't, you will become 13 weeks of free childcare.