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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

when is it OK to change/cancel contact?

21 replies

wishingonastar123 · 19/04/2014 09:36

DH has never cancelled contact, on the rare occasion that contact has clashed with other plans he has just juggled things around so he has them extra another time.

I know it's last minute but I really want to cancel contact this weekend.

I'm currently miscarrying and I just don't feel like I can cope with the DSC here this weekend (ages 7&9).

I can cope with the pain, I get heavy painful periods so it's not too dissimilar but emotionally I'm not coping with it very well.
DH has said he'll take the kids to his Mum's and I can have a rest but, as selfish as this might sound, I just want DH and my DSC at home with me, I want him to myself.

We had them last weekend as an extra as their Mum went away and they've been staying with both their Grandma's this week as it's school holidays so basically their Mum hasn't seen them in over a week. So personally I don't think it would be such a bad thing for them to go home a day earlier. And they have already seen their Dad most days after work this week.

Would it be unreasonable to tell her that we can't have them stay over tonight?

As lovely as they are, the house is total chaos when they are here, I usually love the chaos but today I just feel like I can't deal with it.

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 19/04/2014 09:44

I started off thinking, no you can't cancel - but reading all the circumastances ended up thinking it would be ok. Get yours DP to ring their mum ASAP and discuss with her so everyone knows where they are?

Icantstopeatinglol · 19/04/2014 09:46

I think given the circumstances I would think this is a totally fine request. Even in a family where parents are together others would help out so you can be supported by your dh.
So sorry op, hope you get the support you need

RedFocus · 19/04/2014 09:54

Oh op I'm so so sorry you are going through this and of course it's totally fine for you to just want your dh. If it was my dc then I would happily welcome them home early and I often do.

Original poster

wishingonastar123 · 19/04/2014 09:54

Thanks.

The other problem is though that I don't really wanting his ex knowing what is going on.
Nobody even knew I was pregnant apart from my best friend and my Mum. We had trouble conceiving so I just don't want her knowing our business.

But she's going to kick off unless we tell her what's going on isn't she? She will because that's what she does.

OP posts:

MiconiumHappens · 19/04/2014 09:59

OP I really feel for you, I hope brighter days are ahead for you soon.

With regards to cancelling the contact I would definitely say this is a good reason to cancel contact, and I would want to do the same. If you don't want their mum to know the exact reason why, could you say that you have been in hospital and it's really not a good time for the kids to be there? It would get the seriousness across without the details.

Look after yourself it's allowed sometimes even for us step mums!

Chasingsquirrels · 19/04/2014 10:00

I did think that when I posted. I didn't necessarily mean tell the ex about the mc, wouldn't she be pleased to see them if she hasn't all week?
Could he spend some time with them at his mums and then they stay there overnight. Could he just say you are ill without details?

MiconiumHappens · 19/04/2014 10:04

Or make up something that's contagious? I know it's horrible having to lie and make things up but I completely understand why you would need to. My DH is currently long term I'll and his ex has a horrible nick name she uses for him poking fun at his illness, So I totally get it.

Sort out cancelling the contact, know that you are doing the right thing and make sure you are looked after. Right now you are the priority. Big un-MN hugs for you x

purpleroses · 19/04/2014 10:46

I would tell your DP that you need him around this weekend. The DSC should go to their grandparents without him, or back to their mum if she's available. I'd suggest he tells her you're unwell and that it's a one off .

TheMumsRush · 19/04/2014 11:30

So sorry to hear this op, I think under the circumstances it's totally fine and I hope their mum would understand, as any woman would.

Dwerf · 19/04/2014 11:41

So sorry for your loss. I'd say cancel. If she's flexible enough to allow you to have them extra for her benefit, she can't complain too much if she has to be flexible for your medical emergency. There are stupid reasons to cancel contact, this is way at the other end of the scale. Hopefully their mum will see this.

alita7 · 19/04/2014 11:43

I totally understand and I'm so sorry you're going through this!

just get dp to either tell her you are very ill and he is needed to care for you and it may be contagious or that you've had a bereavement and you need his support. its not unreasonable at all.

Flixy102 · 19/04/2014 13:11

Absolutely ok to cancel, sometimes real life gets in the way of 'perfect scenario' contact time. I started misscarrying about an hour before DSD was due to arrive and my DH didn't hesitate to cancel because on that day, I, and we as a couple took priority. So sorry to hear that you're going through this.

WaitMonkey · 19/04/2014 20:23

Hope contact was cancelled and you're resting up.

Letitgoletitgo · 20/04/2014 09:01

So sorry to hear what's happening. I don't think it unreasonable at all to ask to alter contact for this. Btw, when I miscarried, it was fine for a week and then I started to bleed so heavily I ended up in hospital for 4 days. So it is very reasonable to want DP to yourself incase you do need extra support or medical care. Lots of hugs to you. X

MissWimpyDimple · 20/04/2014 09:10

Sorry but I think it probably is a little but unreasonable. I feel for you, but as your DP has offered to take them to mums I think you have to let that happen.

They are part of your family.

catsmother · 20/04/2014 11:43

Another "not being unreasonable" here. I totally understand why you want to rest up at home, and also to have your DH there with you - as opposed to him being away with his kids at his mum's.

It isn't as if they've not seen their dad for ages so I really don't think "missing out" on 1 or 2 nights (which could be "made up" if necessary at a later date) is going to unduly traumatise them. They will be with their mother FFS .... you're not suggesting they're dumped on the doorstep of the local orphanage.

Having had 4 miscarriages myself it's not just a physical experience, but also an emotional one as well .... and it's perfectly understandable that when you're going through this (which can take several days) you may need to talk (perhaps repeatedly) about the "injustice", about the shock and upset you feel, and about the worries you may have (e.g. fear of what's to come, fear of pain, fear of future conception - all sorts) with the man whose baby it also is. Most women want to share this horrid experience with someone who's almost as close to the situation as they are - even if "all" they want is a hug whenever they want it, or someone to pass the tissues. Most women probably don't want to be on their own at such a time, or on their own with only children for company. As Letitgo quite rightly said, complications can arise, and if you did require extra medical attention it's usually far easier to access that if you have another adult to help you out - and I speak as someone who was once placed in a position of having to drive myself 12 miles to A&E with extremely heavy bleeding (flooding) because my DP wasn't there. The worst part about it was having to also take my 11 year old child with me - and therefore had to explain what was happening, and subject them to a late night trip - until DP could get there. In that case, no-one was really at fault because the m/c wasn't expected - but had I found myself in a similar position because DP was off out with his kids (so as not to "upset" the ex) and I was already miscarrying I would have been beyond furious.

I really don't think you're wrong for wanting him "to yourself" just once all things considered and I really hope that that's what's happened. If there's other children at home, having another adult there also means they can take over childcare you aren't really feeling up to as well - and whilst some people might think what difference does it make therefore if the stepkids are also there, it makes sense to me to minimise the number of people there if at all possible. It's usually harder to organise alternative care for resident kids IME ..... and again, from an emotional perspective, I think it's also fair to say that if you're going through something so personal and intimate, it's generally "easier" to do so with people you feel most close to, and like it or not, that's probably going to be your own children rather than your partner's (despite some people who often aren't stepparents themselves thinking that you should love them "as your own").

Hope you're taking care of yourself and that your DH is doing the same.

Kaluki · 20/04/2014 11:53

I find it sad that this is even a question.
It's a no brainer. You need your DH to be there for you. His dc have their mum and it won't hurt them to miss a visit this once.

If your DH is even hesitating to support you in this horrible devastating loss then he's an arse!
So sorry for your loss OP - I've been there and it's awful

TheMumsRush · 20/04/2014 13:09

Thinking about you op. Hope you are being looked after

MiconiumHappens · 20/04/2014 17:50

Another thinking of you here OP

swissfamily · 21/04/2014 14:56

Of course YANBU.

Nor should you feel under any obligation to tell Mum / SC the truth about why. Lie away. It's a one-off.

I wouldn't think twice about farming my own DC out under the circumstances.

SeaSaltMill · 23/04/2014 15:45

I've been in your situation. 3 times in fact. And its shit, I'm really, really very sorry for your loss. Lots of hand holding available on the miscarriage/pregnancy loss board. xx

On each occasion DH made other arrangements for the DSCs. One time he took them to his mums, stayed for a bit, then left them there and came home to be with me. On that occasion it was a later loss so the ex and the kids knew why. The next 2 times, no one knew, and DH simply told his ex I was really ill and we couldn't have them. Its none of her business what is wrong, she doesn't need to know.

I understand the position that someone above has taken on them being part of the family too and therefore still having them, but if I were in the same position again and the children were my own and living with us, I would still have tried to find somewhere else for them to go. Miscarriage is a very difficult time and having children around while you are screaming and wailing into a pillow (I did this a lot), bleeding heavily and often needing to spend hours at a time sat on the toilet, is not the idea scenario.

Sorry to be a bit graphic but that's the truth of it.

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