Splitting up and Step Daughter

[NachoAddict]

I have had enough of my partner. I have at least three threads about his lazy, selfish, childish behaviour. I honestly don't think I can put up with him much longer.

However he has a lovely DD 6 (my dsd) who I have a really good bond with and who my children adore, and she loves them, they will all be gutted and miss each other a lot. My youngest is her half sibling so I imagine he will maintain contact when their dad, my partner has access to them both but my oldest two children aren't actually related.

Does anyone have any experience on ending a relationship but maintaining contact with a step child, especially one so young? It's not like the kids will forget each other as they share a sibling so there will be always reminders.

His ex and I are civil to each other and at times get on ok but not well enough to meet up for play dates and things. We currently have dsd here Fri to Sunday so if dp continues that arrangement when we separate there will be very little time for us to see her. Especially as mil picks her up from school a few times during the week also so mum doesn't see much of her as it is.

Seeing her at mils is not an option, we have been no contact for almost a year during which time she hasn't even seen her grandson, my ds.

Sorry its so long, blended families are so difficult at the best of times, trying to remove yourself from one is the hardest thing ever!

So sad. I hope someone will be along to give you advice, as I really have none I'm afraid!

It sounds like you are predicting the split will not be amicable, and your DP won't be likely to work with you on keeping the kids' relationships going? Is it possible that DSD's mum will make more effort in the event of the split - I mean, that she might be friendlier and more than civil once you are both on "Team Ex", especially if you can be direct with her about your sadness over losing touch with her DD?

Thanks for replying.

Dsd's mum is very much supported by MIL and relies on her help very much so she would be unlikely to rock the boat by cavorting with the enemy (me).

It didn't even enter my mind that my partner might work with me on this. It seems so obvious now you have pointed it out. He is so childish and stubborn though that I don't know if he would do it. Also he doesn't take responsibility for himself and access to his kids, he saw dsd before he met me because he lived with his mum and she and his ex arranged it and he happened to be there. He sees her now because either his ex and I arrange it or I nag him into ringing her up.

I don't even know if splitting is the right thing, it seems so selfish turning so many peoples lives upside down because I'm not happy. Its not like there is one clear cut thing to end it on, its just lots and lots of little things and his unwillingness yo even admit when there are problems never mind work through them.

I've been through this although dsd was a teenager.

I kept in touch with dsd and arranged my own contact with her - but it was easy as I could contact her direct. She came on holiday with dd and I, and she would still come to my family parties. She has actually ended up living with me!

It wasn't easy to leave but has definitely been the best thing for everyone. I worried about the effect on dsd almost more than dd. she can now clearly see that him ringing her was because I nudged him to, and he saw her a lot less after I left - I'd never have entertained that. What makes me so sad is that she realised how much I did now and what he's like. Left to his own devices he's not a great dad. He never rings either girl and pays no maintenance. I had to let go of my illusion of who I thought he was.

It's always fraught in the early days of separating. And all sorts of fears come up about how things might work out and who may react in what way. I think I'd say not to hold into any expectation, and wait and see. It might be that her mum would be amenable to you having her occasionally or taking her out.

I was in this situation and my DSD was old enough to visit us herself on her way home from school. Her dad was dead against it though and he would go mad if he knew we were still in touch. My kids think of her as their big sister and even though I have 2 dsc with my partner now I don't feel the bond for them that I do for her.
I think the key is to get on with her mum - once you are both exs with a common enemy so to speak you might get on better with her. I did - I even had a drink with dsds mum and compared notes on all the lies we were told about each other!!!

I am glad to hear positive stories although it seems these are with older children. I think I will hold out hope that my partner will maintain contact with dsd and us... Also his ex has relied on me to look after dsd a few times that can continue maybe.

My boyfriends ex wife (dss step mother) is still in touch with them. They go out for lunch /cinema once every month or so. They have no children together, but she was involved in his sons life for a number of years. Not everyone understands it but im actually quite proud of boyfriend for keeping it going when he'd rather not spend time with her and putting his son and her feelings first. (even if i do get insecure and jealous unreasonably every now and then :-D)

If my exh and his girlfriend split up id like to think we would keep in touch, not least for my childrens half sister.