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Step-parenting

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Original poster

At end of tether

17 replies

Cuppachaplz · 16/04/2014 10:29

I posted this in AIBU, and while I probably know the answers, and font like them which is why I am venting on here, on suggestion was to try this board.
Help please, end of my tether!

I probably am being horrible, but I genuinely am at my wits end and don't know what to do.
My husband and his now 19 year old son moved in with my 10 year old son and I about 18 months ago, and we married a few months afterwards. I had previously always got on fine with his children (the other one being at university), and didn't anticipate any problems. I initially tried everything that I could to have ground rules, equally shared chores and family time, but he refuses to do anything except for sit in his room playing computer games. He won't help around the house or clean up after himself. He refuses to wash either himself or his clothes, and won't put clothes to be washed either. He refuses also to make any effort to get a job, but doesn't have any interest in going to college either.
If my husband is out he is aggressive and violent (but never in front of him or anyone else) so I have taken to staying out until DH gets home.
He told my son a while ago that if he could split his dad and I up then they could go home, and suspect that this is where things started so I have tried being supportive, and tried asking my husband to talk to him about if he would be happier on his own if we could help him.
Recently he has also started stealing or destroying my things, particularly things that are special to me. The one time my husband made him do some laundry he broke the machine, and since I have stopped asking him to do anything, it feels like he looks for ways to wind me up.
I hate the fact that my 10 year old will do chores without being asked, and yet I am expected to put up with a freeloader who has no intention of doing anything except bully me.
The only house rule for now is that if I am in a room and my husband isn't he must stay out of it. I know this sounds dreadful of me, but I am constantly frightened, and don't know what he might do.
I have begged my gp for counselling, and tried talking to my husband. I am grumpy, snappy and irritable. I can barely sleep and cry every night now. I am at the end of my tether and don't know what do next, and hate myself for thinking that now I just want him out.
He was seriously ill as a child, and has recurring problems and mild learning difficulties, and I think for all these reasons my husband has a total blind spot, as he would certainly have different expectations and attitude to DSD.
I have never posted on anything like this before, but would genuinely appreciate some advice as I don't know what else to try to make things work.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nomoretether · 16/04/2014 10:40

What is your DH doing to address these issues?

LyndaCartersBigPants · 16/04/2014 10:42

I was pleasantly surprised by the supportive time of the replies in your AIBU post. I agree with the majority of them, you need to state to your DH that you can't live with this situation and that either his DS fins somewhere else to live or they both do. Even if you continue in a relationship with your h while living separately it must be better than you and your DS living in fear in your own home.

Seriously, you don't need to put up with this, it's affecting your mental health and will be doing the same to your DS, even if you don't see that yet. He needs you to be happy and secure in your home and to feel that he is a priority. If he's being traipsed around the block killing time until he can go home, he is learning that his home is not a safe haven for him.

Challenge your H to step up and sort this out once and for all. If he leaves to live with his son then once his DS is older you might be able to get back to living together, but until then I'd be saying I want my own space. If he won't move out then you must.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 16/04/2014 10:42

Supportive tone

MilksteakCharlie · 16/04/2014 12:51

How awful for you, op

I wouldn't stand for that kind of behaviour in my house. Your SS is, for all intents and purposes, a grown man. If he is treating the place like a doss house and making you feel uncomfortable in your own home, you have to have stern words with dh about it.

Have a serious talk with dh, tell him calmly how you feel about the way you're being treated by his son and tell him what you want to be done about it.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want him to treat you with some respect or gtfo.

MammaBMamma · 16/04/2014 18:15

Hi,

You really do sound at the end of your tether, you need your H to talk to you SS, the situation can't be good for anyone. You need to think your your son and yourself foremost. Talk to your H about how you feel and why. And then he needs to make it clear to your SS that what he's doing in unacceptable. I know how men are, they turn a blind eye, because the child has been through enough and your H dosn't want to put him through anything else. But you need to get across to your H that not only is it upsetting you and your son, but it can't be a nice enviroment for your SS either, he needs to learn how to control his emotions and feelings, and how to express them appropriately.

Please talk to your H, and tell him that the issue needs solving.

HTH x

Aroundtheworldandback · 16/04/2014 18:29

Why would you say you are being horrible? Being in your position with a ss 19 who lives with us and refuses to so much as say hello or goodbye to me, I would guess that you feel you have no say as to what happens in your own home, and that you have no authority or control.

This is an ADULT not a petulant six year old child. When he doesn't put his clothes out to be washed, what happens? I ask because due to my ss's behaviour I refused to do his washing. I told dh he acts like a lodger and lodgers do their own washing. I wont let dh do it so now he has to do his own.

Stealing and destroying your things? violence?! The sickening thing is that he knows very well he can get away with it. Like a power game. This shows lack of respect from dh to you in his eyes. I think you need to have a good heart to heart with your ds to see how it is affecting him. Does your dh envisage ss staying as short term or is he 'welcome' into his 20's?!

LineRunner · 16/04/2014 19:33

Your DH is as much of a problem as the 19 year old dss. Such denial, such a huge lack of respect.

You must, I feel, tell the dss and if necessary both of them to vacate your and your son's home. Only then should you talk about your DH possibly returning. Sod them and their backlighting, their pathetic enabling collusion.

Your poor son. Get tough.

LineRunner · 16/04/2014 19:34

Gaslighting

alita7 · 16/04/2014 19:57

WOW your dss must have some serious issues if he is stealing and breaking your things, and treating you so badly, even violently, when from what you say you have done nothing but happen to be the woman his dad decided he wants to be with.

Remind your dp that you pay half the bills etc- it is half your home- and you cannot live like that- give him an ultimatum- either dss steps up and starts a. not touching your things without permission b. attempting to do his own cleaning and tidying c. acts like an adult- this means not being rude to you, if he can't say anything nice then he should not say anything at all and going out and looking for jobs or further education. or he has to leave until he is willing to make those changes. If neither of these things happen tell dp (and act on it) that you and ds will leave and you won't come back as long as dss lives in the house as you are not safe there. You don't have to leave your dp- explain its not him you are running from, you are leaving his son.

LineRunner · 16/04/2014 20:02

The house is the OP's, if I recall correctly.

brdgrl · 16/04/2014 21:41

Poor you. I have had just a taste of this with a younger teen DSS, and I cannot imagine dealing with it on the scale you describe, that is simply awful.
I just want to reiterate what Lynda has said. This is not a helathy situation for you but also not for your own child.

This is very serious business; you are being asked to live in an abusive environment. Your DH needs to sort it out, and since his son is 19 and not a minor, that means getting him out of the home.

brdgrl · 16/04/2014 21:42

what linerunner said.

alita7 · 17/04/2014 12:17

if it's your house not his they can both go until sense is seen!

croquet · 18/04/2014 11:07

I haven't read all the answers but if he is 19 he needs to shape up or ship out preferably the latter

Agree with alita - chuck them both out now.

croquet · 18/04/2014 11:09

Ok just read it again, deffo chuck them both out. You need to protect your child, not care about the backstory of this hideous young adult. This might sound harsh but I reckon you should leave this whole situation. I hate the idea of you staying out til your DH comes home. You can find a way nicer situation, or someone to date from more of a distance.

Courage!

croquet · 18/04/2014 11:10

Ps I mean protect your child in the sense of protecting his childhood

You only live once this is not up to par. Sorry for the multiple posts, I felt really angry reading this one!!

fubar74 · 19/04/2014 12:35

I had a similar problem with my dss, although my own two are older and have more respect I ended up being put in a situation with him that made me throw him out and my very new DH had to make a choice and he did, he stayed and we worked it out, it wasn't easy but I had to think of myself and my own children in our own home, his lack of action led to me taking a drastic one

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