Can we have dsc more even if dp is working?

[Sampanther]

My dsc are 7 and 8. I have a 6 yr old and dp and I have a 2 yr old plus we're expecting a baby in October. Dp works shifts that means he works a lot of weekends. It's his career and unchangeable but unfortunately means he can only commit to having his dsc one weekend per month which simply isn't enough. When he goes back to court next month, if he were to ask for eow contact with me collecting them from school/caring for them while he works, would he be likely to get it? He's out from 7-7.

I understand it isn't much extra time with him, but feel it's important they feel a part of our home and family as their mum tries very hard to make them feel alienated when actually, they're very welcome here. Their mum often leaves them with grandparents or other carers all or some of the weekends and they have said they'd rather be here. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

It's a tough one. You are suggesting that you would be taking sole charge of five young DC (including a newborn) on your own all day at weekends. Do you believe that you can manage to give all five - with three different parent combos - enough attention?

Definitely. The eldest three get along fantastically and are all well behaved and listen to me. They are all kind and helpful and encourage the two yr old to join in where possible. I am super organised and would plan activities to occupy the eldest four while I have to feed the baby.

I suspect you will need to think up a very convincing storyline to get a court to agree. It isn't exactly intuitive that your two DSC will be better off spending their weekends with their stepmother and her three small DC than with their mother or grandparents.

Surely it's better getting to spend time in their dad's home and town, with their siblings and to see their dad for around six hours over that weekend rather than not see him at all for a month?

Maybe - all I'm saying is that it isn't a no brainer and the status quo always has an advantage in this sort of negotiation so you will need a very good storyline.

Do you live a long way from your DSCs' mother?

But if the status quo isn't altered she'll always argue it'stoo big a jump from once per month to a week or two in the holidays, for example, and they'll never get to see much of their dad. We're 90 miles apart.

90 miles x 2 is a lot of travelling for 6 hours with their father during one weekend, especially as he will be tired from working and there are competing DC. Contact is for DC to see their parent, not be in their parent's home or be with step or half siblings. As I said, it is not intuitively a good arrangement for your DSC.

FWIW my (much older) DSC never go to their mother's home any more if she isn't there herself. Their stepfather and stepsister are not sufficient reason.

Hmm... Strange one. They may listen to you now because they don't see you much, if they were to come more often they will get more used to you and I think once the newborn comes they may become much more difficult. I appreciate one weekend a month is pretty poor, but I don't think the court will go for an access by proxy scenario... Does he have days off in lieu of his weekends at work? Could they come then? I guess that could be hard due to school etc.

Afraid i don't know the answer to your question about how likely it would be successful

But how would you be able to collect them from school of you have your own DC to collect too presumably at the same sort of time 90 miles away? I don't think I'd be keen to submit a 2 year old and a newborn to a 180 mile (3-4h?) round trip twice in a weekend.
Could you try and get a bit more holiday time with them instead, given your distance and DP's working hours?

Firstly lots of women juggle 5 children all the time so I can't see the problem there. Secondly the op said sometimes they are with other carers at weekends. Shame when they could be woth their dad and half siblings and step mum. Thirdly I thought contact was about being with half siblings as well as the parent. I think this was the reason Bob Geldof got custody of the child of Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence. I'd give it a go in your shoes, especially if the children have said they would like it.

I have been in a fairly similar situation for about 9 years, and yes, it did work very well for dsd who thoroughly enjoyed spending time with dh and my children, and also with me. There were some weekends that dh couldn't help working away and she didn't see him at all. On others, we had days out/playing etc during the day, then a lovely family meal and DVD/board game etc evening when dh got home from work. It was considered very beneficial for dsd to bond with her siblings. We didn't have such a long trip, but would just have to have managed if we did. We very often split the journey with dsd's mum which also helped.

My argument is that it is very important for them to see their siblings. People are too quick to dismiss paternal siblings as half siblings while calling maternal siblings full siblings without question.

Is there anyway you can avoid mentioning the work problem all together?

If not I still think it would be brilliant for the kids to be able to spend time together that extra weekend. I would maybe say that dp will try and negotiate flexitime, so leaving a bit early on a weekend, or having annual leave or talking to the employer about have 1 extra weekend day off or even trying to swap shifts with others where possible?

I agree with the argument above re. siblings, while their Dad won't be home, the time they will spend with their half-siblings is important. Although...I'm not sure the court would agree....I may be wrong but I don't think there's anything in the Children's Act about a child's right to contact with siblings, half or otherwise?

It depends how Mum feels about it I guess. If she's anti-it and denies that the kids are spending weekends with other carers (can you prove it?) I think you'd be lucky to get an order that basically grants your DP access by proxy. Are you married? If not, you may find the argument that you're not officially their step-mother is thrown at you. Did your DP move 90 miles away from his children? If he did, you may find that's thrown at him too.

I'd be careful about assuming you can cope with 5 kids under the age of 8 including a newborn as well OP. I've had DSD8, DS5, DD3 and DD5months home for the Easter hols while DH has worked and I've struggled - the baby's got a bad cold and I'm not getting much sleep. I had DSD for the entire Oct half term 3 days after my youngest DD was born (by C-section) while my DH was working and that I found extremely hard. Even with my in-laws staying to help out. The simple truth is, it would have been much easier if my DSD wasn't here.

I had a period of about 2 years when my DH had 50:50 shared care of my DSD yet he worked 12 hour days Mon-Fri and then some weekends so DSD was more often than not, being cared for by me alone. I ended up feeling very angry and resentful about the situation. I mention it because like you, when DH secured the 50:50 order, I too thought it was a brilliant idea. The reality was very different. I ended up feeling like DSD had 2.5 parents while my own children had 1.5. Please think about that.

In my experience it would be unlikely to be ordered by a court unless there was an issue with Mum.

If there are no underlying welfare concerns then the court will tend to take a view of prioritising extended quality time with a parent. So the 6 hours your husband would see his children over the space of a weekend wouldn't often be seen as priority over Mums time because she can offer a more substantial amount of direct one on one care.

If Mum was in agreement then it would be different. Is this something you think she would agree with you on?

It's a tough one. In theory, I think if the DSC really want to spend more time at yours, and you are sure you are happy to facilitate that without your DH, it is perfectly reasonable to try to make it happen.

On the other hand, there are some potential issues: the 90 miles between you and DSC's main home, and the problem of whether DSC are old enough to have their wishes taken into account (especially if they are doing that kid thing where they are being more enthusiastic about it to you when it's all a theoretical possibility than they really would be in reality or when pressed by a third party)

I think you need legal advice don't you, as to whether you'd have a hope in hell of getting anywhere in court with this? No point rocking the boat if you're extremely unlikely to be taken seriously.

It raises an interesting question of whether fostering relationships with half siblings should count for something in contact/residency negotiations, though.

I really hope you do get this!

To people saying 5 children may be too hard- I think it all depends on the kids. If DSD 1 lived with us I think I would find things more difficult, but if it was just DSD 2 then I would find things easier as she's like a little mum already, and seems obsessed with making everything clean and tidy :P I have to force her to leave the washing up alone hehe

Ny dps parents live halfway and would bring the dsc here and I'd return them to them to return home on Sundays, so they'd get time with their paternal GPs too. Their mum moved away, not us.

I have been with dp since they were 1 and 2, at which point we (and often me alone while dp worked) had them up to 80% of the time. Then their mum decided to move and that combined with school has made contactvery ddifficult. However the foundations because of the massive amount of time they spent with us for the first years of their lives are strong and they're very close to my dd and I.