why am I feeling like this

[alita7]

hi all

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and dsd (10 but with ld lives with us).

before getting pregnant I loved her to bits, like she's my own and had loads of time for her and we enjoyed spending time together.

now recently since being pregnant my feelings have all changed. her and dp irritate me soooo much.

now her behaviour has changed a lot recently and I'm not sure if it's a reaction to my feelings (though I doubt it as the behaviour started just before I was pregnant) or hormones, especially as she started getting very emotional, touchy and argumentative around the time my period was due for a few months before I got pregnant and they say women get in sync if they live together, so maybe her bodies all confused now I'm pregnant.

but anyway the combination of her behaviour changes, she is much more argumentative, seems shocked when you ask her to tidy her things, is insisting on doing things her way and keeps just playing up when she knows your in a rush, and my lack of patience is causing me to really resent her, I feel like I'm always telling her off cos she keeps being naughty, which is making me feel guilty and I don't want to give her affection anymore, I'm starting to find even normal things she does annoying and I don't know why. I know it's mostly pregnancy related probably with her behaviour perpetuating it, but I just hate feeling like this, it's even making me stupidly possessive over my things... I'm finding It stupidly hard to interact with her which is so unlike me! I don't want to be one of those women who are lovely step mums til their own babies comes along, I want to include her and love her as my own again :/

has anyone experienced something similar to this while pregnant? I feel so bad about it, will it go away once my hormones calm down?

I was not a serene calm pregnant laydee. I pretty much wanted to punch everyone, especially dh

It will get better. Make sure you get time for you, and explain to dh that you're feeling tetchy so he doesn't take it personally.

It will get better!

Also wanted to add.

Before having my dd, I too said "I love dsd likemy own" - once you have your own dc you will realise this is probably not the case, and I know I struggled with that, as, although I didn't love dsd any less than I had before, I had suddenly appreciated just how much more love I had inside iyswim? Bit of a personal journey, but am glad to have gone through it. Also have found I am more understanding of why dh is at times with dsd, and have more patience than before.

pig thanks for your reply. my problem is that at the moment I'm not struggling with realising I love my baby more, but at the moment I'm struggling to feel anything positive for her.
If I wasn't totally scientific I would think this baby is jealous :p

literally everything she does is now annoying me, some things totally understandably, (like how just now I asked her to get ready for a shower and she literally didn't say a word...) others I know rationally are stupid.

Yep, totally irrational. I would say, just accept your pregnancy hormones have done you over, try to be the sensible adult and minimise the impact that has on dsd, and count down the days til the baby arrives when hopefully all will be well with the world. I found that doing things together, for the new baby, were a good, relatively non-irritating way to maintain a bond, eg. picking the sleepsuits for the hospital bag, discussing favourite baby names.

When I was pregnant with DC4 everything my DH and the other 3 did drove me insane, irrationally insane, the way they ate, slept even the way they breathed!!!!!!!!!
I even told my mother one day I couldn't stand the kids which she thought was hilarious as 6 months earlier I was mad about them and deciding on having another one!!
I was irrational about things that NEVER botherd me before.......I drove the whole house nuts........it did pass though and we all survived :)

Thanks mandi, I was terrified I'd end up being an evil stepmother!

I don't feel I can be truly honest with anyone in real life about how far the feelings go. I've only just stopped disliking dp so much- but I can barely even look at her!

I'm trying my best to minimise the effect it has on her- and act as normal as possible, but she must have noticed I no longer want to spend as much time with her and that I snap quicker than normal :/

When I was pregnant with dd (now 8mo) I genuinely felt the same as you towards everyone!! Friends, family, dp and dsc's. When I didn't have my head down the loo that is!

My dss is the se age as your dsd and believe me an up and coming teenager is a bloody nightmare! He has a disgusting attitude, a mouth I could happily wash out with caustic soda and just generally unpleasant at times. I found it really hard to be patient and at times even nice to him when I was pregnant. I do think the hormones of us both were to blame though!

I had real attachment issues to my dd when she was a bump though. I just couldn't connect to being pregnant and genuinely felt like it wasn't happening to me so it wasn't anything to do with feeling more love for my own child.

Try and stay calm or walk away if you feel like you are gonna lose ot. It will get better xx

I felt exactly the same about my DSD when I got pregnant. I think we are biologically hard wired to only want to spend our time and resources on nurturing our own offspring. Any other children around take away from that.

I honestly think this is hormones and there's not much you can do about it.

Now that my dd is here, the gulf between the absolute love I have for her and what I feel for DSD is apparent. I mean, I feel like I love my child more than I love other members of my family. And certainly more than I love a child I haven't borne myself.

Shes maybe getting to an age where things are beginning to change (puberty wise). Like someone before said you feel as though you love her like your own but once your little one comes along you may realise that this is actualy the case but thats perfecty natural! Its normal and probably a good thing that you love your own child more than anyone or anything! Thats a natural instinct and we cant help that, I cant really give you anymore advice but I know that its difficult with other peoples chidren. Just hang on in there and try and make her feel involved with baby plans without making her feel jealous (Its a fine line!) There are plenty of people out there who have got your back and understand you and your feings! xxx

Thanks guys, I think the holidays were making it worse as I wasn't getting much of a break from her, but she went to her grandads for mum contact yesterday so I'm hoping I'll feel better after a few days break. I had thought maybe my body wanted to devote all to growing this baby and didn't want her taking all my energy as she can be quite demanding... I don't mind if I love my baby more when it's here, I'm sure I will, I just hope that I go back to the level of like/ love I had before.
And yes her preteen, hormonal attitude and argumentativeness isn't really helping :p

I can totally relate to this. My LG is 20months, and sometimes I still feel that way with my DSD, I think so much pressure is put on step parents to love the step child like their own. Part of the reason why I get like i do with my DSD is that, i'm not her boilogincal mum, so i feel like i can't correct her attitude, behaviou. It's up to her 'real' parents, and because I don't have the same sense of control if she was my own child, telling her off, for example, it feels like there is nothing i can do. So the small irritating things she does just seem to be magnified.

It is totally normal, even more so during pregnancy.

It's so, so normal not to love a step child as much as your own.

Stop being so hard on your self, step parenting is tough, and that's magnifyied 100 times when your pregnant.

HTH x

MammaB in my situation telling her off is totally acceptable- DP and I act like we are both the parents in the house- a joint team, and DSD seems happy with this- obviously she knows I'm not her mum and she does have a real mum, but the idea is, as we split her care between us, it only makes sense for her to see us as equals. But it must be really hard when you feel like you can't!
I find that while it's fine and pretty much expected of me to do so, I feel really guilty for it at the moment as I'm too quick to get angry.

I hope things get easier for you MammaB!

I just worry that while I'm sure we both have a part to play in this- we are both hormonal for different reasons, she is getting to a stage where she wants independence, I am subconsciously prioritising my baby who she doesn't even know about yet... that our reactions to eachother will only escalate the situation- the more anti her I feel, the more some of that will come through, and then her feelings towards me will become negative and so she be more argumentative and rude to me, which will further enforce my feelings etc etc!