Thanks for your warm welcome, NAAM! And for your clafirication on these abbreviations It can get cloudy, there are so many!
Yes, the BM is really mentally ill. She's on multiple (17) different types of mental medications each day. She's been in therapy for ages. She has extreme personality disorders, and it really is hurting this precious little girl. And yes, my DP is doing what he can to get the process in motion for 100% custody, but it doesn't look good right now. BM is a divorce attorney and quite manipulative. The woman has the brain smarts, but she's so ill, she doesn't understand the difference between right and wrong. She's miserable, suicidal, and tells her daughter she wants to kill herself. As a result, my SD has begun to repeat things she hears her mommy say - she doesn't want to live either. It's so devastating, it brings tears to my eyes. Therefore, the divorce is not final because the BM wants a blood bath, and my DP wants to protect his daughter from being dragged through the courts for her entire youth. We're counting on this new therapist to see the light (my DP's family is going to testify about the abuse) and assist in professional testimony and recommendation that my DP get full custody. I don't even feel it's right for visitation, but we truly fear what she might do if someone takes her "right" to control her daughter away.
Regardless of this cruel and exceptional mess, I do and will always respect their mother/daughter connection. If the BM could only see what she was doing to her daughter - it's really sick. And the DP and I are both at a loss as to how to handle this efficiently, before it does too much damage, because we have no money to afford attorneys every moment! BM makes much more money than my DP right now (we're building a start-up, and it takes time!), and she is demanding money from him. She has shopping and medication addictions. She is angry and all over the place. She will demand her daughter every other week but then will cancel and say she's working too hard and doesn't want to see her. She has done this so many times, I've lost count. We can never make plans, and my SD has no sense of consistency right now, which is tremendously damaging in itself.
This BM needs to be an in-patient at a hospital. We have tried so many things to encourage her to take some time for herself in hopes that she'll see how much she likes not having any responsibility, but she's also smart. She knows if my DP will have his daughter the majority of the time, this will reflect poorly for her in court and will also get her less money in the settlement. She constantly hangs carrots of abuse and threats in my DP's face, and all of us are miserable for it - most importantly, this beautiful 5 year old girl.
This is the exception where it disgusts me that the law, regardless of sickening circumstances, weighs the BM's rights over the well being of the child. Simply because the child comes from her womb does not make this woman a mother. It takes nurture and love and mental health, at the very least! She is single-handedly dragging my DP and his daughter through hell just to prove to the world she can. How does one handle this? It seems impossible, but we're loving my DP's daughter, showing her that the world is kind and good generally, taking her places to play, entertaining her at home, and being patient with her as she tries to adjust to these difficult extremes.
My DP also struggles with disciplining his daughter because he feels he wants to show her love in his world since she has none with her mother. We have discussed endlessly that this could severely compromise her in the future if he is not loving but firm with her now. He is quite loving, but I believe he lets her get away with too much, even for this delicate situation! She goes to bed at 11:30 at night sometimes. She refused to go to sleep unless her Papa goes to sleep, and she still sometimes sleeps in bed with him, although we finally got her to sleep in her own bed the majority of time earlier this year. She interrupts him during his adult conversations with others, and he will not tell her to wait her turn. He simply disregards his current conversations and attends to her immediately. She also is all over the place with behavior (I completely understand this, btw), and when I bring some things to his attention (gently), he agress and says he may not have even noticed. But he's so exhausted after all of this, and I am not yet in the position with him to assist. It's much easier when we all are together. When I can, I help them both get ready for school in the morning. She's in summer camp school right now (Pre-K), but she never gets in to school on time with her Papa because he lets her take so long to get ready in the mornings! So, I get her dressed, fed, teeth brushed, etc. while he gets ready, and we take her to school, but it's still late. I ca't be a disciplinarian right now since officially I'm still just a "friend" of theirs. At night, I read her bed times stories to try to get her to bed, but once I tell her I need to leave to go home, she starts crying, begging me to stay over or to sleep in her Papa's bed.
He and I have never held hands or kissed or done anything to remotely expose her to our relationship yet. It's not the right time. I have never stayed the night or spent too much time with them when he has her. I give them their space and always meet with them upon invitation. In the mean time, my DP is wonderful in making sure she respects my friendship with them, he involves me in their decision making with plans and going places, etc. We're both doing our very best to set this up so that hopefully the transition can be easier down the road once he and I tell her we are together.
She's truly a delicious girl. However, she is already showing strong signs of damage herself, and it kills me and my DP. And the rest of our families. My DP and I have been sacrificing endlessly in our young relationship to tend to these matters kindly and patiently. He and I have our own therapist we go to, and now he and his daughter have a therapist for her. In that situation, she just started seeing this therapist, and he has been going with her (the BM refuses to go because she says it gets in the way of her work), but the therapist will soon begin to see each parent alone and family members and other adults who spend solid time with her. We're basically putting all of our eggs into that baskett in hopes that this therapist will recognize quickly the BM's illnesses and will put a stop to it.
Wow, another long one! This has just been on my mind constantly, and this forum is such a great way to get it out there and see it from another's perspective! Do you recommend any books for step moms or for women just entering these situations, preparing for what is to come? I've read many posts of women who wished they had thought twice before entering a 'stepmom' situation. For me, that is not an option. I adore my DP, he is the love of my life, and if that means going through these issues for the rest of my life, then I'll do it with a feverish commitment. Of course, there are times when I find myself "wishing" things were different, searching desperately for ways to bring closure to this situation for all of us. But this is really out of my hands, and even when my DP and I marry, and the three of us move in together, it will always be trying. Hopefully, genetically my SD is not inclined to take after her BM. Otherwise, I fear for the teen years. I fear for so much. But the larger, bigger, stronger part of me only wants to see what good could come of this and what we need to do to see positive results come to fruition.
Thanks again for your response, mine is lengthy but filled with good intentions and pure love.