Need some support as I'm new to all this!

[bitpredictable]

Been with my dp about a yr and over the last 3 months we have been very slowly introducing our kids to one another. It was going well until this weekend... Previous thread from Aibu is here... I was advised to head over here!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2048987-To-be-really-upset-after-first-weekend-with-Boyfriends-kids?msgid=46335552#46335552

I really love my DP but it seems like there are so many complications awaiting us I am feeling very scared of how it might go from here. He has been very quiet on me all week (he's had his kids so I haven't seen him since Monday) but we've hardly spoken and I worry whether he is ready for this all, or whether I am. We will chat this weekend as we have some child free time. Just reaching out really as nobody I know is a step parent. My two divorced friends have new partners who are both childless.... Maybe they know something!!

They probably do!
I was a lp for 8 years, my dh divorced for 2 years when we met. Our kids were between 8 and 12 and yes, it was a whirlwind romance.
I've regretted so much, mostly dh behaviour.
He never pulled up his dd for being openly rude and obnoxious to me, she being the oldest then at 12.
Dss is fine with me, lives with us 50:50, wanted to from the start. His mum allowed him at 12.
Ds was always fine with dh, has good and regular contact with own dad and luckily has a lovely stepmum too.
Exw has always hated me with a vengeance, I was described as that woman and her son, although we met only once and she was pleasant enough.
Unfortunately this negative attitude rubbed off on her dd who was committed to righting some undefinable wrong done to her mother???
Thankfully things have improved, but dh still does not dare confront his dd rudeness to me (but to be fair, she gets away with being rude to everybody, perhaps his way of showing her she will always be his princess...).
If you have the slightest doubts of your partners loyalty and undying devotion to you, leave him before he ruins you and drags every bit of self esteem out of you.
If you need a good read for yourself and himself, try Wednesday Martin, Stepmonster, its a classic and was recommended to me on mn. It's about her own story as stepmother to girls.
Good luck and keep a look out for childless men in the meantime

PS
Exw also found a new partner pretty soon after we got together, and guess what? He has no kids! I suppose she didn't want to risk getting a dose of her own bitter medicine

Stay away from AIBU in future!!!
We are much nicer over here (mostly)
If either of my dc behaved like that to a guest in our home they would have been made to apologise and punished.

Ok fair enough she is finding it hard and he was right to talk to her about it but he should also have told her that it is never ok to lash out and hit someone and yes she should have apologized. 6 is old enough to know right from wrong.
He should have called you to check you were ok too.
He is being a Disney dad and if it doesn't stop it will make your life a misery.
Have a read of the other threads on here and you will see what I mean!

I think of course kids dealing with emotional turmoil need leeway and understanding, but there has to be a line and hitting someone is pretty much it.

If I understood from your AIBU thread, you had met the DD before and got on well with her?

I think you and your DP need to have some discussions going forward about boundaries for the kids, for your individual relationships with them, etc. Maybe even looking at some threads from this board and discussing how you both feel about different stepparenting/blending scenarios?

He is surely struggling with this too though, and while it seems heartless of him to have withdrawn and gone quiet on you, maybe that is just his own knee jerk way of expressing the same uncertainty abd panic you are feeling.

If he wants to continue to have a relationship with you he has to find a way to nurture his kids AND you/your relationship. But this can be a delicate balancing act, and I think it's understandable he would need some time to work it out.

I think your DP should have made his DD apologise really. But being both a parent and a GF/BF at the same time for the first time can be really overwhelming do I'd go a bit easy on him for this one. In a way it's like your relationship has to start all over again. So when you're used to quite a bit of physical contact it feels odd to go back to very little and build up again gradually in front of the kids.

Your BF's DD's reaction suggests she's struggling with him having a new DP in his life. That's not a reason to back off the relationship but it may mean taking things more slowly. Your DP should also spell out for her in no uncertain terms that he and his ex are never going to get back together regardless of whether you are around or not.

But kids can get used to new people even when they're hostile to start with. DP and I had trouble from several of our DCs at first. As long as your DP is willing to talk to you to work out together how to handle his DD's reaction whilst working towards what you both want then I think it is possible to move on

Why should bf be given leeway, but not the child?
So much went wrong in our relationship because I was always so bloody understanding of poor dh and how awful his exw treated him, how disrespectful dsc were towards him, and me, etc.
These men need to pull their socks up and decide if they want to work for the companionship of another adult. I feel that many men decide family is woman's work and shrug their shoulders and say, oh dear, my kid is being a brat, but it's not my job to parent her, you're the woman, step up!
After a year of counseling which has made it consistently clear that dad parents his kids, not me, dh is slowly turning into a responsible adult at home too, not just at work. And the results have been quite obvious, too.
I of course also need to stop enabling his behaviour and detach a lot more, being a teacher it's sometimes difficult not to jump in first.
The way I see it, either your partner chooses to support you as an equal and you will be able to model a loving relationship for all the dc, or he takes the easy way out, will never push his kids to respect you so as to avoid hassle and will find another gf who is more docile and undemanding. Please don't be that doormat.

I agree with loveineveryspoonful.
Your DP needs to parent his dc and that means sometimes being bad cop and disciplining them.
If he can't (or won't?) then he shouldn't being anyone else into the mix.
These men can't have it all ways!

Just had a look at your thread on AIBU and reiterate the view of others that it us best avoided.

The situation is tricky and I feel for you as you obviously have made steps to ensure that you aren't physical in front of the children which is great, but ultimately, if you have a future, they are going to have to get used to it.

I think you need to talk to him about how you feel as obviously her feelings need to be considered but she can't dictate either.

Good luck

Thanks for all the messages. We had a good discussion about it this weekend and are continuing with the original plan of gradually introducing the children. He has had a chat with his dd and said that he really likes me and will be spending more time with me and on the advice of another poster I had a chat with her and said that I really hoped we could be friends cause I liked her a lot and she said she would like that too. I've no doubt it will be very bumpy so I guess I will be back here! In the meantime I do feel supported by him.....

We will be spending sat and sun together (with other friends) this weekend so hopefully that will all go ok... (Famous last words!)

Good Luck.
Don't be fobbed off by him though. You have as much right to be respected as his dd does.
I get so fed up with this attitude that we have to tiptoe around the children and daren't upset them because of 'THE DIVORCE'.
Obviously be sensitive but don't let it override your own feelings.