Mother of step-kids doesn't agree with sex education.

[KashaUK]

I've pre-teen step kids who are a little over-due for basic sex education, and certainly they'll need more comprehensive sex education in the home within the next few years. However their mother is of the belief that teaching children/teens about sex results in teen pregnancy, and their step-dad is a born-again-Christian who believes in abstinence-only education and teaching girls they're dirty if they have sex. sigh

Anyway...

I've talked to my partner about this, he's 100% okay with my answering any of the kids questions and discussing sex if it comes up, also as I work in sexual health so I have a lot of books and he's okay with the kids having access to these in our home. He's also fine with my helping the daughters if they need to use tampons, birth control, or even if they need an abortion - their mother would be 100% against all of this.

The problem is that the mother is a nut-job. When they were together she abused my partner to the point where she put him in hospital on multiple occasions, even today she is verbally and physically abusive towards him and far from nice to me. She's manipulative to the point where she will hurt her children emotionally to get to us, she'll come out with the most outrageous lies to get money from my partner, and she is constantly screaming and threatening to deny access to kids to get her own way.

Because of her behaviour my partner has to walk on eggshells and gives-in to her demands a lot, he really has no choice in the matter, but on this he plans on putting his foot down. The kids know not to lie to their mother but they are ridiculously smart kids so know not to tell her about this either...but what if she finds out anyway?

I'm sort of uncomfortable going against her wishes given as I am not the kids mother or even really considered a parent at all. I'm also terrified of the sort of trouble she could cause us.

Am I wrong for teaching her kids? If dad is okay with it then that's okay, right? They need to know this stuff and not giving them this information or support could put them at serious risk...I think I'm doing the right thing, but I'm just so worried about what she might do!

It depends on the relationship you have I think.

Are you like a cool aunt/ older sister? If so I see nothing wrong in putting your point of view across. Why not?

Are they likely to ask? You can hardly lie to them. I think books may be the way forward as that way you are facilitating them educating themselves.

What is school sex ed like these days? Won't they get a fair but there? Maybe that's naive.

Maybe their dad should be stepping up. What would he be doing about it if he were on his own?

What are they getting at school? My DCs have covered puberty in Y5, the basics of sex in Y6 and contraception, STIs etc in Y9. All of which seems about right to me. If you talk to them about what they cover in school and use that as the basis for any discussions then I'd have thought your DSC would have the wit - from what you say - to tell their mum they learnt stuff in school rather than from you. Or is she having them withdrawn from sex ed classes?

I do answer questions that come up with my DSC but don't tend to initiate talks about sex. Though I'm lucky that i have no reason to think their mum would get too het up if they did find stuff out. If your DP is comfortable doing it it might be safer for him to check they know what they need to for their ages as he's their dad so their mum would have less reason to kick up a fuss if they found out.

I guess the main thing you need to support them through the teenage years if a good open relationship so they know they can come to you if they need to - that's not something their mother can "find out" about as such

What are they getting at school? My DCs have covered puberty in Y5, the basics of sex in Y6 and contraception, STIs etc in Y9. All of which seems about right to me. If you talk to them about what they cover in school and use that as the basis for any discussions then I'd have thought your DSC would have the wit - from what you say - to tell their mum they learnt stuff in school rather than from you. Or is she having them withdrawn from sex ed classes?

I do answer questions that come up with my DSC but don't tend to initiate talks about sex. Though I'm lucky that i have no reason to think their mum would get too het up if they did find stuff out. If your DP is comfortable doing it it might be safer for him to check they know what they need to for their ages as he's their dad so their mum would have less reason to kick up a fuss if they found out.

I guess the main thing you need to support them through the teenage years if a good open relationship so they know they can come to you if they need to - that's not something their mother can "find out" about as such

What are they getting at school? My DCs have covered puberty in Y5, the basics of sex in Y6 and contraception, STIs etc in Y9. All of which seems about right to me. If you talk to them about what they cover in school and use that as the basis for any discussions then I'd have thought your DSC would have the wit - from what you say - to tell their mum they learnt stuff in school rather than from you. Or is she having them withdrawn from sex ed classes?

I do answer questions that come up with my DSC but don't tend to initiate talks about sex. Though I'm lucky that i have no reason to think their mum would get too het up if they did find stuff out. If your DP is comfortable doing it it might be safer for him to check they know what they need to for their ages as he's their dad so their mum would have less reason to kick up a fuss if they found out.

I guess the main thing you need to support them through the teenage years if a good open relationship so they know they can come to you if they need to - that's not something their mother can "find out" about as such

You shouldn't initiate the sex talk but there is nothing wrong with giving them truthful answers to any questions they may have for you and their dad.
Never ask them to keep anything a secret which you know and just be honest and open. If they know they can trust you it will be so good for them because clearly they can't turn to their mother & step father for help.
Their mother & step father sound just awful so I suspect you'll be answering a lot of questions in the next few years.

I don't agree with the mother in this at all but I would expect their dad to be answering these questions. Is she opting them out of the lessons at school?

As Lunar said, if the mother is against sex education then (assuming they live with her) she is likely to not consent to them participating in school sex education lessons. She's daft if she thinks not teaching pre teens/teens about sex will stop them doing it, they just won't have the knowledge of how to do it safely. I think your DP and you together should be talking to them and educating them about sex to an age appropriate level if their mother refuses to.

I'm not sure about this one. I think honestly you should leave it to their dad.

I don't mean that to sound like I agree with their mum on this, or that I don't think you have a right to talk about your views with the kids. Just that making yourself the primary point of contact for this seems like a mistake in several ways, including the simple fact that it is likely to inflame a situation with the kids at the middle.

Also, where the views are so different - you say you'd help one of the kids obtain an abortion; she doesn't even want her children to have sex ed! - I would personally find it tough to present my own views while still encouraging the kids to respect (if not agree with) her's - which I do think is the right thing to do, even if it sucks. It might be better for your DH to enlist another family member or friend to handle the sex talks if he doesn't want to do it himself/thinks the girls would be more comfortable with a female to talk to. That doesn't mean you can't answer their questions, but it sounds in your post like you are thinking of a much more pro-active role and I'd be wary of that.

I used to leave the mummy laid an egg book lying around

Stupid parents who don't prepare their dc for adult life don't deserve to be parents imvho

I think you need to back off a bit t h.
Not that I agree with the ex and her DH at all.
It's just that as brdgrl says you shouldn't be the first port of call. Obviously if you are asked and your DH is there then advise away but I think helping to arrange an abortion or contraception is stepping over the line.