Changing arrangements. Bit of a rant!

[SeaSaltMill]

I'm starting to really get annoyed with the constant changing arrangements with my DSCs.

DSS is nearly 14 and DSD is 11. There is no court order or CSA arrangement. Its always been EOW, Fri - Sun and DSD comes 3 times a week after work - not overnight. DSS sometimes comes but not always.

Things change quite a lot, sometimes DSS will call on Friday and say he wants to go out with friends or to a party and therefore wont be over 'til Saturday night or something. Generally this is fine unless we have plans - like a wedding or something. DSD generally doesn't change things, but sometimes if her brother isn't coming she prefers to stay with her mum. We sometimes swap weekends over with the ex if she wants, or if we are away or is DH is working. We are aware that as the kids get older they may have other things they want to which we appreciate.

However, every change is always made at the very last minute. One day we went home from work on the Friday waiting to hear from the ex, after trying to call everyone all day. She didn't call until 10.45pm and she said 'do you want to pick them up now or is it a bit late?' !!!

DSD is currently away for the week with a friend. Due back Friday. But she told us Sunday, she might be there all weekend too - which is our weekend - and they would 'see how things go' As far as I'm concerned the mother of the friend should respect that DSD has arrangements to stay with her dad and therefore bring her back on the Friday as arranged. BUT the friend's mum is up the arse of good friends with DSCs mum so if she says its ok, we cant do anything.

DH said yesterday that if DSD isn't back Friday, then he would talk to the ex and swap weekends with the following which is Easter weekend. While in theory this is fine, I'm a bit annoyed that we won't know if this is happening until Friday and therefore cant make plans for either weekend! AND this is the first bank holiday in the 7 years we've been together than we're not due to have the DSCs and to be honest, I was quite looking forward to an adult only long weekend.

I feel as though our lives/plans get dictated by when the kids are round, and when that changes at the last minute, we cant make plans etc. DH doesn't seem bothered, well he wouldn't, he loves having them there and would have them all the time if he could, but I need to know when I have step mum time and when its us time. I also don't like feeling that we have no control over our time. I don't know what I'm after from this. Perhaps just a rant!

No advice but you have my sympathy - this sounds intolerable!

Oh mate - it's shit isn't it. Those ages are really hard because although they have social lives, they are still needing lifts and supervising. I have to say I think it's a bit like that for all parents of young teenagers until you can say "come and go as you please but we won't be in because we have plans" because they are independent.

Mum should be teaching them to be respectful of your time and to make proper plans but I'm unsurprised that she doesn't

It's all very well that your DH wants the kids as much as possible, but he should also want you as much as possible and respect time that you have set aside.

I have had some success recently with blocking out times in the calendar and telling DSD we have plans. Simply planning "time alone" wasn't enough to keep DSD away so as awful as it sounds we make a plan for one of the weekend nights of every other weekend and tell her we are sorry but we have plans. We give her a key and let her come and go even if we're out but some SMs on here are understandable not up for that.

There really isn't any point in contact if their dad isn't home after all! We just offer it to DSD so she can escape her Mum if she needs to.

I guess this is the trouble as DSCs grow older - the rota becomes less rigid, and they pop in and out. Which, if you think of both their mum's and yours as home, is how it should be really, and is how it would be in a nuclear family.

Although I do feel your frustration too, having said that. It would be ok if DSCs were older and it didn't interrupt any plans you might have.

I guess if you make a plan to go away or something for the weekend, you'd just have to say "no, sorry we are away, so it isn't possible for you to stay this weekend". Does your Dh do that, or are you completely at the whim of the children, who decide at the last minute, thus stopping you from making ANY plans at all, ever?

I would talk to your DH, and together come up with a plan of how you're going to deal with this. Eg. every other weekend we are free to make plans. If the DSCs change their plans, and want to come those weekends, that's fine if we're around, but if we've got plans to go away, then we will have to say no. Talk the DSCs through the plan too, so they know where they stand. They aren't not welcome, this is their home, but you and DH can't avoid ever making a plan just in case they decide to be around.

That's exactly what we do

UC, I see the sense in your comments - but you can end up where the only way you can preserve your child-free time, is if you arrange to go away. Whereas you might just want a chill out weekend at home.

I got into the habit of booking an overseas trip for DH and I over Easter; which might sound a but extreme, but the only way to protect our time against the whims of the ex, was to literally be out of the country!

Households with non-resident step children have far less flexibility/freedom than 'together' families; in a 'together' household the adults run the show, but it's far more complicated in a step family!

I just realised I didn't come back to this. Sorry!

Its not the kids fault, they are allowed to dictate when they come over. If they tell their mum they don't want to come round, she enjoys called DH to tell him. If they decide they want to come round when its not been arranged, DH says yes. He doesn't consult me first. I would never say no, unless I was ill or we had plans that the kids wouldn't fit with (on a weekend we wouldn't normally have them) but it would be nice to be asked!

As it was, we did have the DSC that weekend, though DSS didn't come over til Saturday night and DSD brought her friend with her who was with us all weekend. I didn't know this would be happening. DH apparently did. Things like this really annoy me. Its like, he doesn't think to ask because either 1) he knows that I can hardly say no or 2) he just doesn't consider me in the equation.

Grr.

calling, not called.

I think it depends who's altering the routine and why. My DSD is 16 and her social plans tend to alter by the hour!

I wouldn't go trying to swap around weekends with the ex because one of the DSC has made other plans with a friend for a weekend - especially not if this happens at short notice. That just mucks everyone about. I do think that if you have regular contact time with teens, then it should be about them using your house as their second home during that time, but carrying on as any other teen would in arranging their own social life. Only if you see them quite rarely should they be expected to prioritise contact time above social plans that come up with friends. EOW with dad is a normal and regular contact arrangement - they shouldn't need to be turning down social opportunities in order to see their dad.

You could suggest they come for tea some day in the week if they've missed a whole weekend, but only if that suits everyone.

If it's the ex that's changing things last minute then worth your DP trying to reduce that a bit- are there really unavoidable last minute changes to the plans, or could she tell you earlier what time to come and get them.

It is also good I think to try and be relatively relaxed about who'd there when. The good things about teens is that they don't need looking after the same as younger DCs, so your own social life doesn't need to hinge on who'll be there when. Ours are expected to let us know which meals they'll be in for, but apart from that I'm OK with them dropping in after school sometimes if it happens to suit them, and DP doesn't try to stop DSD deciding for herself to go back to her mum's early some weekends if it fits in with her other plans.

I'm with you completely about wanting to be asked! It's not that you'd say no, but simply acknowledgin that you have a right to a say in what happens in your life. I've spelled that out to my DP quite clearly and he does always ask me if possible, or at the very least (if put on the spot) say yes, but then check with me straight away. If your DSD has communicated her plans to your DP and he hasn't thought to tell you then he's being very inconsiderate. But best plan is probably to make a time to go through plans for each weekend at some point.

Why can you not say no? you have a rota of EOW. Ok be flexible but don't put yourself last

Re-read the thread. Ok, I think your issue is your DH actually, rather than the DSCs. He is allowing this to happen, and so you are, understandably, resentful. The way Malifcient and I suggested up thread will only work if your DH buys into it. Like Purpleroses says, not consulting you at all is very inconsiderate.

He loves having his DCs which is understandable but does he love having them because you work hard to make it a nice weekend, do you do last minute shopping etc for meals. Plan things to do.

I think I would get a life of my own and if that then fits in with DCs well and good and if not then you might not see them for a few weeks. Can you find hobbies that DSCs can join you in if they choose to but otherwise you are busy with your own life and DH can pick up the slack.

I think it's all well and good saying raft you need to make your own plans and let dp pick up the slack but then really if you're not making any time together as a couple then theres not much point being in a relationship.

I think op probably just wants her dp to put their relationship first some of the time. After all, what's the point otherwise?

Yea I completely agree its DH. He just expects me to be delighted that they are coming over like he is, and most of the time I am, but there is part of me that just wants a child free weekend sometimes!

I'm relaxed about them having their own plans, DSS usually stays home Friday night and Saturday day to see his friends which is fine. But DSD is 11 so its different with her.

TBH I ranted about this when I thought our first child free bank holiday was going to be changed, and it wasn't so its ok! haha