Help please our blended family is leaving our marriage hanging by a thread!!

[Debbsy09]

I used to be a regular member of this site but haven't been on here now for about six years but I really need some advice as this is causing everyone in the family to be unhappy.
I have a 7 year old boy from my previous marriage,my husband has an 11 year old boy from his previous marriage and we have a 2 year old little girl together.we gave been together now for six years and married last march, my ds does not have anything to do with his father since the age of 2 and my dh has taken on the role with my ds
.We as a family have been through many challenges over the past 6 years, I became Ill and was in and out of hospital from 2010 to 2012 for stomach problems having major surgery twice, dd been born by emergency c section after nearly losing us both, my mum in and out of hospital over the years after contracting swine flu and nearly dying, to my dear dad been diagnosed with cancer last November to passing away 10 days later.To issues with the family namely my son he has always had a very high demand for my attention and sometimes well daily really it's relentless, the relationship between my ds and his step brother is non exist ant,he constantly tells tales on my step son,he's done this he's done that etc etc, this obviously causes a lot of friction between me and my dh as we argue about it, I always side with my ds and my dh always sides with his ds.its stupid things they fall out about but it's constant!! I hate the weekends so much because I just know there is going to be arguing.To my ds causing upset in the house on a daily basis refusing to eat food that gas been cooked for him saying he doesn't like it, when it know that he does,to not doing as he's told even after been told five or six times.
There was one instant last year when my ds and his step bros had been tussling in the garden my dh separated them and my ds had a mark on his eye from the tussle, the next day my ds was taken to hospital because he had fallen off his scooter whilst with his childminder and cut his chin, the dr asked my ds what he had done to his face he said his dad had punched him! Needless to say we had the police and social workers all over us, we were all interviewed even my two year old daughter,until they were satisfied and my ds eventually admitted that it was an accident caused by the two of them tussling.this understandably gutted my dh and his relationship with my ds has never been the same, he saw this as the ultimate kick in the teeth as he has raising my son as his own,whilst only seeing his son on weekends.Things have got that bad that my step son is now saying to his dad that he is sick of my ds and doesn't want to come,obviously this is very upsetting for my dh, as from July my step son is moving out of the city to be 40 miles away this is also affecting my dh,because of the relationship between the two boys is fractious to say the least!! At the weekend my ds asked his step bros for batteries for his x box, he said he had none, my ds allegedly kicked his step bros in the balls so my step son punched my ds in the face allegedly, this is the first time my step son has hit my ds with intent to hurt him and through temper.This caused ructions in the house with my ds crying constantly( which he does do very easily ) to my dh and myself arguing and dh telling me he can't do this anymore... He loves me but can't be with my ds anymore, for the fear that if ds makes up another story and the social services get involved or the fact that his ds now doesn't want to visit.Please please help I am at my wits end with all of this and just want to run away!! :-( :-(

It reads like your son is the antagoniser.
What steps have been taken to combat this?

Why are you siding with your son when he's behaving so badly? He needs consistent, firm (but loving, obviously) discipline, and you're not giving it to him. Every time you side with him your undermining your DH and DSS.

You say you always side with your ds, why? he does seem to be the main cause of your family's problems. I obviously do not have balls but if I did and was kicked in them my instinct too would be to lash out. Maybe your ds needs to see someone to talk to about why he feels the need to tell tales and lash out and seek attention constantly through refusing food and not doing as he is told.

You need to start making a difference in the way that you treat your son when he acts like it. It is being naughty even if it seems like he is just upset etc.
my dsd 3 has learning disabilities and dsd 1 and 2 aren't much older, dsd 3 is often whining about them, telling tales, hurting or annoying them etc but she is always told off but in a fair way, we ask questions to find out what happened if we didn't see it and sometimes it's a case of both of you stop It or else. dsd 3 is told off if she comes to us crying or whining If she's not been hurt or properly bullied etc - it is not encouraged, the other will still be told off for what they did, but learning to have an appropriate reaction is important. We use the naughty step, no treats, having to apologise, having to wait for a treat, ab item being taken away etc as a way to stop the behaviour.
you need to start coming down on your for everyone's sake, if he can't be nice and reasonable he should have to play in his room by himself. The most important thing is to have a conversation with DP and come up with what is ans isnt ok and ways to punish different things so that you are both consistent. you may want to pick one or two things to work on per week.

Thank you for the advice,We both do it dh sides with his son and I side with mine and then we have an almighty row :-(. My ds turns on the tears very well and uses it with me all the time,thus I feel like all I'm doing is rollicking him all the time x

The difference is it sounds like your dh is siding with his son because your son did something wrong where as you are siding with your son just because he's yours which creates rifts in families. I'm not trying to be mean I'm just pointing out what I see to be the problem. Your son will see that you support him no matter what and use it to manipulate you and cause problems between you and dh, kids do it all the time.

I agree with alita7 - from what you have written, both you and DH should be siding with DSS because he is not doing anything wrong. Your DS, on the other hand, is being naughty and should be punished for each transgression.

If and when your DSS is in the wrong, then he too should be punished.

You siding mindlessly with your DS irrespective of how badly he has behaved is the problem here.

But your DH should be siding with his son if his son is doing nothing wrong!

Whereas you seem to be siding with your son even when you know he is being a brat.

You are the problem here. If you keep on doing what you keep on doing then you keep on getting what you keep on getting. Your son knows he can drive a wedge between you and DH by causing grief and upset, throwing in a firework, and then standing back and letting you blindly defend him. He's loving it. He's getting exactly what he wants.

This situation won't change until you change. You need to take the wind out of his sails pronto otherwise not only is your family and your marriage going to be in shreds but he is going to grow into the worst sort of spoilt manipulative brat who is universally disliked.

Your DH will reach a point where he spends all his weekends drving 40 miles to be with his son outside the home, and no-one could blame him, but your daughter will suffer for it.

And you will have the same problem with him and your DD as soon as she is old enough to start feeling like a rival to him. If you don't stop him in his tracks you'll be doing all this again in a couple of years.

OP how is your son doing at school? Does he have similar behaviours there, or is it really focused on his relationship with his step-brother?

Sibling rivalry can be very difficult to manage in 'traditional' families too (I know two pairs of siblings who couldn't be left in the same room as each other because it was feared they would seriously hurt each other) but I can see that it must be particularly hard in your situation. Have you tried asking for help with either your son's behaviour or for your family as a whole? Something like family therapy/counseling might help.

if you pick sides with 'your' child, what are you going to do when your DS and DD begin to argue and fall out?

I think you need to start enforcing rules with your DS, starting with not getting his own way every time he kicks off!

I agree nooka. They have been together since OP's DS was so young that this situation is not new to him, and he gets to live with his parent full time, his stepfather has pretty much always played the role of his full time, only father, so if anyone deserves to be understood over acting up over this it should be the DSS, not him.

Some children just are insanely jealous and competitive for parental attention and need to constantly get one over on their siblings. You should try to handle it in just as balanced a way as if they were both your birth children rather than making excuses for him on account of it being a blended family. That may well be a red herring.

OP, what was your stance when your son told the teachers that your DH punched him in the face?

Did you punish him? Talk to him about the consequences of his actions? Set up a family meeting for everyone to talk about their feelings?

Or did you defend him and not punish him?

We get this in our house from time to time but we have learnt that even though we are a blended family and have our loyalties we as parents need to stand as a united front. I am the one who makes the rules and my dh sticks with them and backs me up. If my ds hit my dss my ds would be punished and my dh would back me up. It's a no brainer. If my dss were to hit my ds (it's often this way round) then my dh would punish his ds and I would back him up.
Sorry op but you are clearly the problem and you need to stop backing up your ds when he is clearly in the wrong. It's hard I know because you worry they will no longer love you but he will of course and it'll be better in the long run. Good luck to a new harmonious household.

Hi badly it was the dr at the hospital he said that too, he was spoken to quite severely and we scared him as well saying that he could've been taken away and had to go and be with someone else,it was a very upsetting time and it has changed the dynamics of the relationship with my dh and ds, my dh is paranoid that ds will say something else one day. We also had a family meeting my dh cried and his son dss saw that, that's when things changed between my ds and my dss.

Have you thought about taking your son to counselling? It sounds like he needs to work through some issues and you could take the opportunity to apologise to your dh and ss and start over if you want to save your marriage.

Sweet Caroline I think you have hit the nail on the head my son is jealous. Red focus if know your right, I don't always back him up it's only when I'm not sure which one of them is lying I always defend ds because he is younger, and I say to dss just stay away from each other!!

If you don't know which is telling the truth then you should treat them both the same, not side with one over the other.

If you allow your DS to continue with the lies and bad behavior he will turn into an unlikeable child and then adult and lead a lonely and unhappy life.

Perhaps you need some child rearing advice and training before it is too late. Where can you get this? The library would be a start.

I would put the DS and DSS in separate rooms and insist they stay there (with toys, games etc) and the one who moves out of his room is punished.

I agree DS sounds jealous of the relationship between DSS and DP. Not sure how you fix that, counseling would be recommended for an adult.