Disney...mum?!

[BigPigLittlePig]

Just after some thoughts please.

Background in a nutshell - Dsd (6yo) lives with her mum and step dad, we have her every weekend. Her mum remarried 18m ago and has another dd (12m). Dh and I also have another dd (16m).

Left to their own devices, both parents would be disney parents and then some. I have managed to educate dh in the ways of disney parenting and why it isn't good. He has got heaps better. I have always had the mantra that, if Dsd is here, she lives by the same rules as we all do, and rightly or wrongly, have always told her off when she has done wrong. Her mum seems incapable of staying at home, so they always have to be somewhere, buying something, visiting someone. Step dad I am told doesn't say boo to a goose.

Now the problem is her attitude. It is really dreadful. Not to me. Ok to her dad. V v bad with her mum and step dad. They have asked our opinion and what we suggest. Dh has said, well try spending time with her, stop spoiling her with material goods, discipline her. Whilst this discussion was going on (in front of dsd ) dsd said to her mum "see this is why I don't want to live with you mum", got put on the naughty step, then mum laughed at her whilst step dad rollex his eyes in the background.

So dh thinks the 4 of us should get together to talk tactics. is that a good or terrible idea? If you were mum, would you want to hear some (nicely put) home truths from stepmum? Gah.

As a step mum, I have had a similar conversation with dsc's mum although slightly more lighthearted in so much it was over getting them off the computer to anything else ie reading or watching a film (she refuses to actually interact with them) I quite flatly told her to take the bloody computer off them and learn to use the word no!

If they have asked you to help then they can't complain if you give your opinions. It seems like dsd prefers your methods and appreciates the boundaries.

Good luck

I think it sounds like she would definitely benefit with some more rules and boundaries but I also think that your DH is agreeing with you and playing your opinions lip service but isn't actually that on-board. I would advise detaching now or you're at risk of trying to change the way this kid is parented by both of her parents.

The point about keeping to rules in your house and respecting you and being punished for misdemeanours at your house - 100% yes. But anything beyond that - save yourself the hassle.

I actually have a theory that 99% of men take their parenting lead from Mum. Whether they consciously agree or not they usually think somewhere deep inside that mother knows best. I don't know why because it often isn't the case, but a man who will actually break the parenting mould created by mum are few and far between.

My DH proclaims to despise his ex and thinks she is a crap parent but when it really comes down to it, I see him do a lot of the things he criticises her for. He knows his DD needs discipline and boundaries and can wax lyrical about his ex's short comings in that area... but very little actually materialises in terms of actions.

I really wouldn't try and give advice to the Mum however badly it is needed. It will backfire on you horribly. It is fine to stick to your own rules in your own home though.

I think you can offer, but it must come from DH. DH's xW asked us for suggestions with regard their DD about a similar age. We passed on basics that we did such as, you're in charge, don't argue with her, no TV in bedroom, consistent discipline etc.... All of which she ignored. We leave her to it now.

Saying all of that - I don;t think a round table with the four of you with Mum and dad talking and the step parents taking notes to save chinese whispers so you are all on the same page wouldn't go a miss.

Thanks for the thoughts. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of me telling her mum where I think she's room for improvement, I wouldn't take kindly to that if it were the other way round! I suppose as you say, maud, a round table sort of chat with all parties present would probably help.

I do worry that if hey copy our methods but are slack at following through it will cock things up here...its a bloody minefield!

Don't look at it as pointing out her failings. If you approach it with the view of "well we have tried X, y, z" you may feel better about it?

They obviously think you have the right idea or they wouldn't have asked you. Yes it's a minefield and needs handling with care but I would take it as a positive and surely the most important thing is the kids

I don't think it will mess anything up for you as it sounds like DSd is pretty clear where she stands with you guys and behaves well.

Even if they 'try' your methods and fail, I think you'll be fine as she's at a different house and knows the expectations. I saw a job share at the school where I work last year eith the class from hell. They were literally out of control for one teacher and fantastic for the other teacher as they knew where they stood and had the boundaries constantly enforced :)