Feeling a bit ground down by the usual holiday drama

[balia]

We have half holidays (court ordered) with DSS. His mum is chaotic, has MH issues, I do try to make allowances and be patient but it just gets to me sometimes.

DH writes out the holiday dates, asks her if she agrees, asks if she wants to make changes can she let him know by x date and then he'll book stuff. Every bloody holiday there is some great drama. Half term it was a great big screaming fit about pick-up time (in front of DSS, natch). This Easter we have changed the dates twice (once so she got 'all' of Easter as we had half last year) and then again as she wanted to fit something else in.

So tonight DH picks up a voice mail from his ex demanding that we make a swap because she wants to take DSS to London but she hasn't booked it and she's lost her travel ticket and she just hasn't had time to sort it out etc etc. She wants to swap to this weekend. Now we already have plans for the holiday, campsite booked etc, plus we can't have DSS this weekend - DH is going to visit his parents (FIL is in hospital). And as she rang during the working day (when DH can't take calls) by the time he saw the message he had already missed her deadline by which to reply.

Which seems very straightforward, no is a complete sentence etc, but I know what will happen now - another big screaming rant when he goes to collect DSS. The fact they couldn't go to London will be all DH's fault, he'll somehow have done it all to upset her, on purpose. DSS will be upset and feel guilty, and if DH doesn't stand there and take all the verbal abuse she will deny the contact.

Why can't we just have a nice holiday? I'm sorry she couldn't get herself organised but she doesn't work - and she has known the dates for months.

Aaaaaaaaaaand breathe.

No advice but sending hugs and

I have lots of sympathy. It's incredibly frustrating not knowing what you're doing with your time and just waiting for the whims of someone else.

Dp's ex managed to have the decency to let us know last night at 9pm what we are doing this holiday despite dp asking and suggesting things nearly 3 weeks ago and her ignoring him.

I suppose in some ways the fact we can't have him this weekend makes it easier - there isn't that awful 'should we just agree to it to avoid the fall out' feeling. We don't want DSS to miss out on a trip but we're long past taking responsibility for her actions. I just wish it could be different. Ah well.

I really empathise balia, we had years of this with My DPs ex, every bloody holiday it was the same palava. Weeks (sometimes months) in advance DP would write to her with proposed holiday dates, never ever got a response to say it was OK or if a problem to suggest alternative dates. Nope, it was a complete nightmare!

Mostly we ended up with the dates we needed, but all the stress, uncertainty and game-playing, which of course DSS picked up on with her stirring things up big time about how its all your father's fault was so pointless, but obviously she enjoyed it. She must really miss it now that DSS is more in control of things!

What you describe is just the same sort of thing, just delay, delay delay then demand the dates she wants, not any consideration for plans that might be in the making . And delaying giving DSSs passport, was another stunt my DPs ex used to throw, so we couldn't book the holiday for fear of her not handing it over in time.

Its all very well me saying "rise above it, dont play into her hands" but it isnt that easy, when you just want to scream!

In the recent few years, DP actually started sending her the holiday dates for the whole year and also writing all those dates into a pocket diary that DSS carried around from his mother's house to our, and he sat with her and transferred the dates into her diary. But oh no, It didnt stop her playing games but it limited the damage, because DSS knew the dates and started telling her. It was "oh dear, I didnt check my calendar, I must have got it wrong again". Agreed it could be seen as involving the DCs in it, but actually it can be empowering for them to know the holiday dates in advance, provided it is an equitable split.

I am sorry not to be able to offer much of a solution but as your DSCs get older they will put two and two together. Until then lots of and sympathy!