Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

The glorified babysitter has been made redundant.......until?

22 replies

entersandmum · 31/03/2014 23:35

DP has suddenly decided on a whole new approach to parenting DSD10. Instead of the usual leaving it to me, he is exclusively at DSD10's beck and call all weekend.

This does mean not involving the 2 other children, ( mine 15 & 4), or me as DSD10 must go out for 'treats' with DP by herself.

I have previously encouraged alone time as DP couldn't be arsed & I spent most of the weekend with a very moody and competitive DSD10.

It sounds great at first, esp. when I pointed out that working meant I only get quality time with DD4 every fortnight, when she is here.

I'm feeling pretty peed off as I have been slated by DP & ExW for not taking time off during school hols to look after DSD10 + I have booked part of half term to go away with my children.

Apparently everytime I've paid for DSD10 to come away with us is taken as given. The brand new parenting style means DSD10 gets all the exclusivity, mine are not afforded the same privalage.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

colditz · 31/03/2014 23:36

Sounds like you don't want to be his partner, really.

oscarwilde · 31/03/2014 23:39

You only see DD4 once a fortnight? Sorry I'm very confused

Original poster

entersandmum · 31/03/2014 23:47

With work, I'm lucky to get an hour with DD4 during the week. Every other weekend DD4 goes to her ExDP.

OP posts:

Original poster

entersandmum · 31/03/2014 23:48

colditz I'm afraid you will have to elaborate?

OP posts:

Original poster

entersandmum · 31/03/2014 23:49

colditz I'm afraid you will have to elaborate?

OP posts:

purpleroses · 01/04/2014 00:05

What is it you want? More time all together as a family? That can't be easy with DCS aged 4-15, but if it is then maybe you should suggest some things to do that everyone would enjoy.

Otherwise, then your DP taking his DD off rather than leaving her with you has to be a good thing surely?

Is your youngest DD your DP's too? Is it that she's getting left out? Your post isn't quite clear. If that's the issue, then you could suggest some time with just you and DD(15) and leave DP in charge of the 4 and 10 year old. Or take your 4 year old out to have some quality time with her - if that's what you feel short of, whilst DP indulges his 10 year old and let the 15 year old have some time to herself, or out with friends.

Original poster

entersandmum · 01/04/2014 00:06

Oops. Forgot the until.... I am expected by both DP & ExW to use my A/L to look after DSD10. If I book the time off & spend it with my own I am apparently, ' leaving her out', plus ExW, Could do with the break... 7 times last yr to the carribean & las Vegas. I feel soooo sorry for the pair of them that I will not be able to look after DSD10 this year!

OP posts:

Russianfudge · 01/04/2014 08:23

Is this a punishment for you saying before that you wouldn't look after her during your AL so he's basically said "fine, I'll look after her bur I'm going to ignore you in the process, see how you like that?!"

I don't think it's healthy. I think he's taking you for a ride. And he's letting his ex do the same. And to add to that he's using his dd as some kind of ploy to make you jealous, which isn't going to help the two of you get along (you and her, I mean)

If I have leave during school holidays I will often invite dsd round or along to what dd and I are doing even if dad's at work and I've never really minded. But it's never been expected of me that's her mum and dad's job. And DH will have dd for me sometimes if it makes more sense for him to work from home or whatever. We help each other out.

Saying that, I was always expected to have "access by proxy" when DH was working away if it fell on a contact day. Always fun tearing to and from work to collect Dsd AND my own dd then entertain them both so non working mum could have a break. I think it just showed dsd that dad was considered as a babysitter and that if he wasn't available I'd "do" as long as the contact days were ticked off.

Dim and distant past now happily.

Anyway, you need to have a good think about this relationship I think

Original poster

entersandmum · 03/04/2014 22:50

If I arrange a family day out,it's for all of us. DP has suddenly decided DSD10 needs special treats, even when she misbehaves.His way of having 'alone time' is to completely exclude all in the home except for him. All weekend.

OP posts:

Original poster

entersandmum · 03/04/2014 22:56

ExW was recently also pi**ed off I couldn't babysit during school hols......she naturally assumed I'd be off, ' because everyone has a break from signing on' .

OP posts:

Loveineveryspoonful · 04/04/2014 07:07

Entersandmum, I think I know at least in part what you are going through.

Although it is of course up to mum and dad to raise their children, as soon as the parents remarry and /or cohabit with another adult there must be some room made for new dps. Even if this is merely a token nod of respect to show how they are valued.

I know all about kids being used to make dps jealous. My dh and his exw were and still are masters in the technique. I thank God daily that my child isn't subjected to such mind numbing stupidity. Exh may not be my favorite person but I respect his dw who has always treated ds really well (I've always encouraged their bond and and he's grown to be a wonderfully considerate young man who naturally includes his sm on all his pressie lists, including Mother's Day).
Sorry digressing too much...
When I read your posts it seems your dh is as petty and passive aggressive as mine. Unfortunately our finances are too enmeshed to extricate myself and I'd hate to alienate the dsc as all our kids get on really well! They are close in ages and interests.
Take a step back and try to work out why you are still in this relationship. What are your kids getting out of this set up? What are you? Is it fair for both sets of families (I have stopped believing in blended families)?
Don't let resentment eat you up.
Btw, I think its terrible when non-step mums reply that it's only ever right and proper for dads to spoil their kids to the detriment of an adult relationship. It always sounds mean spirited, reflecting their own agendas and ignorance of how their children will be ruined for future relationships.

Petal02 · 04/04/2014 10:01

Is this a punishment for you saying before that you wouldn’t look after her during your AL so he’s basically said “fine, I’ll look after her but I’m going to ignore you in the process, see how you like that?”

That’s how I interpreted the situation. Not good.

ipswichwitch · 04/04/2014 10:33

Why the hell are they expecting you to take a/l during school holidays to look after her? Why can't your DP do it, or is this part of his "new parenting style"?

Both he and his ex are acting pretty entitled. He's now decided to be at her beck and call and indulge her while ignoring your DC (is tht not leaving them out?), but you can't take your own DC on holiday because it's leaving her out?

It's the DSD I feel sorry for, having feckless flaky parents. You've tried your best including her on family days out. Your DP and his ex need to grow up

Original poster

entersandmum · 05/04/2014 23:44

DP does not get paid if he takes a day off. I do.

ExW does not work but does pay half for DSD10 to attend holiday club.

Both of them see me as free childcare without a moments notice as I get paid for my hols...

This yr they are pissed off as I am going away with my own kids, (something I have not done in years as I have always included DSD10 & DP), and no-one else.

OP posts:

Original poster

entersandmum · 05/04/2014 23:46

I am also saving my A/L for when I need it rather than them.

OP posts:

Beamur · 05/04/2014 23:50

Hmm.

I never took leave to look after my DSC's - that was their parents job, not mine. But, we have SC's and child of our own and when we have days out, no one is excluded. DP may do activities with any one of his 3 kids that may include/exclude others but only inasmuch as not everyone wants to do the same things.
I think you need a serious chat with your DP about all of this. I would not be at all happy in your position.

MuttonCadet · 05/04/2014 23:55

ExW doesn't work - so why are you expected to take leave to look after her children?

EverythingCounts · 06/04/2014 00:01

Do you see a future in staying with your partner? He has no excuse for treating you like this and you sound pretty fed up with it.

Original poster

entersandmum · 09/04/2014 00:48

DP was previously not interacted with DSD10. Over the last few weeks DP has taken it to the ' other limits ' of exclusively interacting with DSD10 for the entire access.

I had informed DP how important it was to spend some time with DSD10 alone to build their relationship.

DP has now taken that to mean that DSD10'is only taken out, paid attention to, over the time she is here. No- one else is allowed.

It now feels like a them & us situation, esp. when DSD10 is vocal in letting DSD4 know!

OP posts:

oscarwilde · 09/04/2014 12:45

What a lovely f*ck you attitude. Why are you with this child?

Malificentmaud · 09/04/2014 13:12

Confused

Original poster

entersandmum · 09/04/2014 23:27

DP is now p**sed off. I am taking my own kids out as DSD10 is not included. Yet he has stated he will be taking DSD10 out on her own over the weekend????

It's almost as though he expects me + kids to wait in, incase Dsd10 gets upset by 'not being a family'. This is even though we had tears about wanting to spend time with her dad!

I can't win. If I take my own out I'm not including her, but why should my children suffer because Dsd10 dictates who can come on what outing?

OP posts:

Flip