Resentment of DSD situation. Is it natural?

[AuroraSim]

I may well be being unreasonable and throwing my tests out the pram but I need to ask does anyone else feel this way.

My DP and I are looking at moving. A house has come up, I love it. He's indifferent. We share a two bedroom flat, I want a garden and for my DS and DSD to have separate bedrooms or a room big enough to share, not like the box room they have.

But the reality is that we can't afford it. It's an extra 250poumd a month in rent (were social housing ATM) and I feel a lil down about it. DP pays atleast 100pound extra to DSD a month for activities such as dance and bits when she's at her mums. (They have a garden there) I feel my DS is missing out.

I'm starting to resent DSD because of it, I love her to bits but I just feel like all our money goes to her upkeep or her mother (we already pay 228maintence a month)

As for us having another baby, forget it! We couldn't even afford a dog!!!

I know I'm being unreasonable just needed to vent, feel like tears tbh

If your DP is paying more than the CSA calculation, then you're entitled to feel resentful if it means you and your household are going short because if it. I think that all fathers should pay maintenance as per the CSA calculation, but some men pay over the odds due to guilt, or to keep the ex sweet (or both) which means their "new" families go short.

I used to think that it was the "first" families that got the thin end of the wedge, but quite often it's the "second" families that lose out.

The one plus point about the hideous bedroom tax is that you may well be able to find someone now who wants to downsize, try posting your transfer request on the council site, in local shop windows to where you would like to move, also facebook selling groups local to you.

IMO that maintenance amount sounds a bit high have you looked at the cm calculator?

It all goes through CSA at the moment anyway.

I am reluctant to move from social housing, it's like owning your own place without the huge bills. But the area we live is already over subscribed. We're looking at four years before they aren't allowed to share a room and by that time DS won't be interested in garden activities.

I don't know what to do off the best. Seems like you work hard and pay your way your stuck. The man at mhs told me if I had another child he'd help us. How unfair is that x

It's difficult because even when it gets to the point where they're not allowed to share a room you will have to pay bedroom tax as far as i'm aware, if you have 3 bedroom, as DSD doesn't live with you full time. But as someone who really really wants a council house as our rent is extortionate in our area, costing way more than our housing benefit helps with, I'd keep in social housing.

It's so difficult with the money, as if you were to not pay the extra money for those clubs then DSD may loose out, however, ask yourselves, what does her Mum spend her maintenance on? Is it food and rent or clothes and uniform for dsd or does she get extras like cigarettes and alcohol and regularly go out with her friends? If you think it's the latter, maybe you need to tell her frankly that your money is for dsd and while she can spend money on what she wants, you now need the £100 extra, due to an increase in your outgoings and that she will have to sacrifice her extras and pay for dsds clubs with the maintenance money. This is especially the case if you have no extras yourselves! Is your Ds dps ds too or just yours? If just yours does the maintenance you get go on ds?
Also if it comes to it then you'll just have to say to dp that he will have to take the £100 out of whatever extras he does get because theres no way your little one should loose out while his sister gets treated like a princess!

Have you tried looking for a mutual exchange on your council place? The one good thing about the bedroom tax is that there are a lot more people looking to downsize so it's well worth registering to see. You'd be fine yourselves even if it was counted as a spare bedroom, as I'm assuming from the amount of CSA you're paying that your DP is working and not on housing benefit. (the bedroom tax is not actually a tax, just a reduction in housing benefit for those who claim it). The extra rent you'd be for a 3 bedroom council place would be tiny.

But if you're resenting your DSD, because your DP is paying for things above and beyond the CSA calculation, and that means you and your DS are going without, then it is your DP you should be resenting, not DSD.

When you take on a partner with kids you take it on knowing that they will always come first, as is right and if you canâ??t handle that you shouldn't be with someone with children. This is a particular bugbear of mine due to personal circumstances. My ex is with a selfish, immature, demanding, self centered, bratty little tart who resents DD and has made her very unhappy and I hate my ex and think he is utter scum for allowing it and staying with this woman. His daughter should always come first but he allows he to make demands and control their lives. She hacked 8 inches off her hair against my will and definitely against DDs because she couldn't be arsed brushing it (I ever catch her sleeping and I'll bloody shave her bald for that one ). She has actually gone running home to her Mummy's house because she had a tantrum about DD getting the attention from her father that she wanted! She said word for word she resented DD for getting his attention. She was 6 years old at the time! She has also said she resents her because she feels her life and plans are on hold because she wanted to be married and have a baby by 30 and she's now 32 and her plan hasn't happened because of DD! Well don't get involved with a married father then you whore! She's going to have a fit when she hears I'm pregnant! Ex hasn't taken DD on a proper child centered day out in 18 months because his tart prefers to sit in bloody coffee shops every weekend, he had the opportunity to take her on the holiday of a lifetime and give her some amazing childhood memories but tart demanded they go on a make believe honeymoon & DD can just sit there and watch for 2 weeks in a totally adult environment, utterly boring and inappropriate for a 7 year old, and on the days I have her too. Tart gets all prissy over him maintenance and has stopped him paying towards things he should be because she wants to eat at Marco Pierre White's and Jamie Oliver's etc. She has no business being with someone with a child if she can't handle that the child has to come first and can't put the child first. She doesn't have any of her own so she has no idea. In your case I can see why you'd be upset if you think your step child is getting more than your own, but his child is his responsibility and has to come first with him providing for her before you or your children (presuming your DC is not his?) and it's up to you to provide for yours. An ex BF of mine had 2 kids and we split up partly because he was putting everything and everyone else including me before them and I thought it was really wrong. I would arrange days out and activities and presents for his kids more than he would but my DD always got 10 times more because she is my priority, his kids are his. I know you are just having a moan but in all seriousness if you are resenting your step child then you need to consider whether it is best for her if you continue in that relationship or leave and let him put her first as he should be.

YANBU. I would feel resentful too but then it's these things you need to think about when getting together with someone who already has kids.

My ex used to pay £350 a month for his son as well as pay for a holiday for him yearly and spending a fortune on him at weekends. Then he'd say to me that he couldn't afford to go away for the weekend to whitby with me. One of the reasons I never moved in with him, I didn't want to be financing someone else's luxuries whilst me and my own kids were missing out.

Random you've clearly had a very rough time with your ex and his new partner. But I don't think "first family" children should necessarily come first when there's a "second family" to consider - I think there should be parity, not a situation thats completed loaded in favour of one side or another.

random - if your ex is as awful as all of that, there is a high chance that he is handling this situation very badly and that the story his partner tells her friends and family is very different to what you speak about here. Does he pay his maintenance? If so I think it probably best for your sanity if you just take it and leave it up to him who he wants to be with. She won't stick around for long I don't expect if she's that much of a nightmare.

Plenty of parents don't put their kids "first" all the time. My DD frequently moans that we are going to a coffee shop on Saturday morning or whatever. Show me a parent who doesn't have their kids nag them at being dragged around where they don't want to be at times

OP - It's rubbish that you feel like this It can be so hard when you want to set up a little family and all you see is money coming in to one hand, and leaving from the other immediately.

As others have said - is maintenance being calculated properly? £228 isn't a huge amount but if you're in social housing I imagine he is on a low salary and £228 seems high for that. The problem you will have is that it is his decision what he does and how much he pays and it is up to you to provide for yourself and your DD (I didn't get the impression it is his child - if so then completely different matter!) you may find yourself in all sorts of bother if you try to push him in to doing something he is unhappy with.

When you take on a partner with kids you take it on knowing that they will always come first, as is right and if you can’t handle that you shouldn't be with someone with children.

Bullcrap. My DH has three children now. It would not be right for the older ones to come first.

It would be more fair if DD could have the same standard of living that her older siblings enjoyed at her age. She can't, because that's life. Things change. Times got harder, and DH and I can't give her everything they once had. But no way are the older kids more entitled to anything of what we have now. No way.

Isn't this just a variation on 'you knew what you were getting into'? Can I propose an alternate worldview please?

How about this: "When you take on a partner, you take him/her on knowing that life is strange and unpredictable and often quite sad, and your partner might die or leave you for someone else or annoy/bore/grow apart from you so much that you leave them yourself, and if you can't handle that possibility you probably should not have children with them."

sorry, OP, I meant my own DD in that post, which was a response to random, not your's.

Random I half agree half don't. In your situation that woman sounds like the woman in parent trap :p utterly awful and considering how much I happily give up for DP to have a healthy relationship with dscs and for me too as I love them to bits, she is not suited to someone with kids. But in ops case she is right, her ds should not loose out because of her dps child, whether he is both of there's or not. Even if he isn't, how much tax credits etc that they get for him will be judged on her dps wage as well...so the money that goes on maintenence will be seen as money they have for ds when they don't. Obviously he should have to pay maintenance but my experience of csa is they decide you have to pay way more than you can afford as they don't take into account expenses. I'm a student nurse so I only get £600 a month. DP was getting £200 a week and one week did over time getting £270 anand they judged his maintenance on that week. He also had areas from before the first contact months before they gave him an amount. We'd only just got dsd so were waiting on tax credits etc and were having to somehow pay £825 rent for a 2 bed when he was being told he had to pay £80 a week. The amount went up not down when they found out dsd lives with us. So when he was made redundant we decided he should go on carers allowance (dsd has ld) for a bit as we could not afford to feed her. (This is all because the other mother wants more money to go out drinking with when he had a private arrangements for 11 years where he was buying all the nappies then uniforms and schools dinners etc but when we were hard up his parents would help out) anyway sorry for the personal rant but csa do not look into your responsibilities and costs... like living in an area with astronomical rent. They basically deemed dsd as less Important as her mother doesn't work so wouldn't have to pay us anything anyway.

I can see why it all seems unfair but as others have said it's not your DSD fault which I'm sure you know really.

You say that you pay through the CSA so I'm assuming that the £228 is the calculated 15% of your DH salary? If so then that needs to be paid and there's no point in getting upset about it. I certainly would start questioning what it's spent on.

With the £100 extra for clubs if you can't afford this then you need to rethink it. I don't think you would be unreasonable to cut down on this amount as long as your DD isn't getting clubs paid for. If she is then obviously you'd need to cut down for both.

Your oh is paying csa so should not be paying 100 pound a month extra, I would put a stop to that straight away...that is what csa is for. If he refuses then your with a Disney dad and unless you leave then just put up with the situation.

Be careful about going private!we are in social housing but my DH was private with his ex and they ended up homeless more than oncd