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Original poster

Date night ambush - what should we do?

131 replies

Russianfudge · 26/03/2014 13:58

My DSD used to come on set days 50/50, she went through a stage of no contact following years of an alienation campaign by her mother, then when she started coming again it coincided with her reaching an age where a contact rota wasn't really appropriate so she comes and goes as she pleases now. Well, she's only allowed a certain number of times in a month as Mum wants to protect her CM Hmm

Anyway. Wednesday night has always been our "date night" midweek, no kids. We have really long hours, stressful jobs and it is so nice to have one night a week where we can just be ourselves, not step mum/ Dad/ Mum etc. DSD usually favours coming on a weekend so even if my DD isn't here, we have one kid at least.

Now, our view was very much that this is DSD's home and she is always welcome here. That is what we told her. However, since this has been in place, she has treated it less and less like her home. She doesn't contribute anything at all and she only comes on "fun" days when she knows she'll get taken out for dinner or similar. She has told us as much.

Part of me thinks - she's his DD and it's her home and she should come when she likes. Part of me thinks - why can't his commitment to his plans with me come first, why should we drop everything for her? And why should she get the message that our plans come second to her whim?

She's 15 btw.

A big part of me wishes he wouldn't ask me my opinion and just tell her no. I could just tell him "you decide" but that would be testing him and is therefore unfair.

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Original poster
Russianfudge · 28/03/2014 18:49

That last post makes no sense whatsoever

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Original poster
Russianfudge · 28/03/2014 18:51

Oh, do you mean because my daughter isn't there? As I said, my daughter is with her dad EOW and we have dsd then. Tonight, for example. And tomorrow night. And the next night.

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Beamur · 28/03/2014 18:57

Maybe she is just testing you and her Dad. Maybe she needs to come first, or at least feel that she would.
She's 15, so she won't be a 'child' much longer and all the constraints of contact etc will change.
I applaud your making time for your relationship, but I'd take a longer view on this and make 'date night' less fixed and make your DSD welcome and don't make your DP choose either one of you.

PortofinoRevisited · 28/03/2014 18:58

I (though a bit grudgingly) also agree with Hopeless. I was that 15 yo once. But I do see where you are coming from....

Sparklysilversequins · 28/03/2014 18:59

She's 15 and after "years" of parental alienation she should be able to come and see her Dad whenever she likes without you whining about it being "date night".

Grow the fuck up. I am SO tired of grown women pontificating about how The Relationship needs nurturing too as though it's a fluffy fragile kitten.

I won't return to this thread now because it's just so boring reading the same self justifying teenage nonsense over and over again.

Original poster
Russianfudge · 28/03/2014 19:02

Okay. Don't let the door hit you and all that Wink

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Original poster
Russianfudge · 28/03/2014 19:10

Beamur and portifino, it is grudging isn't it. I even feel like that about my own choices. I'm always so torn because I remember being 15 and incidentally that was the year my parents spilt. I understand exactly how she feels and I'm in a kind of constant limbo between "she's a child, indulge her" and "but if we do... Where does it end?!" Because of all we've been through. We do have to draw a line and disengage from it all to a degree and remind ourselves how "normal" people behave in these scenarios. We both beat ourselves up for protecting that piece of normality but I think on balance that we need to. Of course applying those loving caring things to both of our respective kids where necessary. For example as I say, this weekend DSD is here all weekend and my dd isn't. We've just had actually a really nice time at the pub for dinner together and are settling down to a film. Sometimes she comes and is hideous, and we bare that too, but tonight she's been lovely.

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Petal02 · 28/03/2014 19:13

OP, you can't win. It seems you're never supposed to say "no" to a child with separated parents.

PortofinoRevisited · 28/03/2014 19:14

I agree a 15 yo should be able to come and see her dad whenever she likes - within reason. Like I said above, I was that 15yo once. Most 15yos have their own friends and interests and should be able to cope with "oh Tuesday is fine, but we're busy Wednesday" I would say that to my OWN child - sorry I am going to pictures tonight but tomorrow we will do x,y,z - ie I am allowed to go and do things that don't include her sometimes.

Original poster
Russianfudge · 28/03/2014 19:22

Yes I think we should be able to do that when they get to that age. In a "normal" scenario it would help them with their independence. I remember being very please when at 14 my parents went out and trusted me to stay at home!! But with these kids, it's a sign they're not loved. Very sad, but there is no happy solution.

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Original poster
Russianfudge · 28/03/2014 19:23

With some Petal, yes definitely. Well as hat. As I find it sometimes I'm not sacrificing my relationship for the mistakes of my husbands last relationship

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Petal02 · 28/03/2014 19:32

Excellent post Portofino.

Beamur · 28/03/2014 20:41

I also agree with Portofinos approach - don't call it your date night to her, just say you're busy - and how about 'x' instead? But whatever you do, it will pass, she won't be a needy 15 year old forever. But I do believe (not in a religious sense) that what you sow you reap.

FrogbyAnotherName · 28/03/2014 23:34

I am SO tired of grown women pontificating about how The Relationship needs nurturing too as though it's a fluffy fragile kitten.

I can't speak for your relationship, sparkly but I know that my marriage needs and deserves nurturing.

It was neglect that contributed to the ending my marriage to DDs dad - perhaps the reason you see that pontification more frequently on the step- board is exactly because posters have experienced the fallout if not nurturing a former relationship?

Just a thought. If you are confident that relationships will survive neglect and being a low priority, then that's great. Those of us with different experiences may believe something very different, and actively enjoy making time to live, love and laugh with our DPs.

Back2Basics · 28/03/2014 23:45

My relationship is slightly different since dp moved into his own place in August although we have have managed to stay together just.

We have Thursdays as our night. He has his dc and our dd and my ds at his most weekends, he runs around after all the dc mine included most of the week and most weekends they're all there. (we have 6 all together)

So Thursday's is ours unless it's an emergency. If I didn't have my Thursday we wouldn't be together, yes it might be selfish and teenagery of me to feel left out and coming last when we make plans but then his dc want a lift to their club or a parents evening comes up but so what. if I didn't have our night where we don't make any plans I wouldn't be able to smile and say don't worry about it we'll do whatever was planned later/another time and not feel slighted or put last.

Op keep your night.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 29/03/2014 01:16

It's a good job you're not the same as me op, I didn't feel in the slightest guilty when I said I didn't want sc coming for at least two weeks after I gave birth to dd.

Smile

Polishes Wicked stepmother badge...

Original poster
Russianfudge · 29/03/2014 06:39

Thanks guys. I think Frog is right about our experiences making us realise. Often, second families know only too well what can happen if a relationship isn't nurtured. I often marvel at how my ex will give time to his wife he never gave to me, not in the sense that I am annoyed by it and I actually don't think he loved her more in their first couple of years than he loved me in ours, I think he's just learned the hard way what happens when you become complacent and take a relationship for granted. As we've all said, often your step children do have to come first (in an emergency or when you do send that they need you) but their every whim and game (and anyone who says 15 year old girls aren't capable of being manipulative is being deliberately obtuse) doesn't take precedence over the relationship. It's not treating it like a fluffy little kitten ffs.

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purpleroses · 29/03/2014 07:29

I don't think it's just about having learned from past experiences about the need to nurture a relationship - though DP and I would both relate to that. It's also that with a step relationship you've never had that pre-child time together. Time with just the two of you is vital to establishing your relationship as a couple, which you need firmly in place beneath the blended family parenting one. So you do need to run the two in tandem really.

Original poster
Russianfudge · 29/03/2014 08:12

That's very true purple. I always feel fortunate to have any child free time when I hear friends who've had children together talking about how they never get out, but generally they had that time before children came along. Plus, we decided not to have children together, so right or wrong it feels a bit crap to not have kids together and still not get time alone Wink

Dsd really was cool last night though, we had a nice evening together. And she shows no sign of getting up for quite a while so we may have the morning in our own Smile

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Monetbyhimself · 29/03/2014 08:24

So your relationship is so fragile that it's future hangs on having a forced 'date night' scenario every week ?

You could however quite easily pay for a babysitter for your own daughter to have a 'date night' on ANY other night but choose not to.

Yet another example of grown women 'scweeming and scweeming until they're thick' because a child has to take priority over them. Very sad.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 29/03/2014 09:44

Lol sometimes I put things I do with my friends or p before my children.
Being a parent isn't about being a martyr y'know, no one likes those type of people..
And I have a shiny parent nurturing certificate - part of the course was 'take time for yourself' - you can be a mum, step parent AND an individual you know.

sigh

Original poster
Russianfudge · 29/03/2014 09:59

Monet for heavens sake, if you read the thread you would see that she picks the night we have plans, if I organised a babysitter for another night, she'd start asking to come then. Then what, mess the babysitter around? And it's fine for me to leave my own dd on a night that she's here? As long as my dsd can have access to her Dad whenever she likes. My dd (who is also gasp the product of divorce) might like to feel that I am home on the set days that she is there. She is much littler. When she is 15, she will be left home alone if she chooses to come on a night my husband and I have plans too.

My relationship doesn't hang by a thread, that's ridiculous. It's just nigh on impossible to nurture a relationship that has so many (entirely step related!) stresses upon it without giving good, regular time to it.

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Original poster
Russianfudge · 29/03/2014 10:00

sigh indeed things

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ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 29/03/2014 10:33

I wonder how non step dc feel about their parents packing them off to gp's to spend a night alone the importance of which is emphasised in the many maternity and new parent leaflets info whatever that got thrown at me when expecting dd

So you're even told to nurture your relationship when you have a new tiny baby, also I was asked numerous times by hv if I had any 'me' time. I assume therefore it must be important to self nurture in order to be 'there for the dc' at any age or stage of your relationship.

Yep. No one likes a martyr and there are no special awards for it either.
Take yer axes somewhere else to grind Smile

FrogbyAnotherName · 29/03/2014 10:33

Yet another example of grown women 'scweeming and scweeming until they're thick' because a child has to take priority over them. Very sad.

It is very sad - that such 1950s attitudes are still so prevalent, and that otherwise intelligent and educated women dismiss multiple, and extensive research and advice because they are so conditioned to put themselves last.

Can all the professional advice really be wrong? I'm yet to see parenting advice that states that children's wants and desires should be prioritised over everyone and everything else - but maybe I've been engaging with the wrong professionals. Funny though - they all say the same thing. It must be a conspiracy by WSM, I'm amazed there's not more of an outcry - most of these programmes and research have been funded by charitable or government funds - if they are peddling misguided advice to support the WSM of the world, why hasn't there been an enquiry?