Date night ambush - what should we do?

[Russianfudge]

My DSD used to come on set days 50/50, she went through a stage of no contact following years of an alienation campaign by her mother, then when she started coming again it coincided with her reaching an age where a contact rota wasn't really appropriate so she comes and goes as she pleases now. Well, she's only allowed a certain number of times in a month as Mum wants to protect her CM

Anyway. Wednesday night has always been our "date night" midweek, no kids. We have really long hours, stressful jobs and it is so nice to have one night a week where we can just be ourselves, not step mum/ Dad/ Mum etc. DSD usually favours coming on a weekend so even if my DD isn't here, we have one kid at least.

Now, our view was very much that this is DSD's home and she is always welcome here. That is what we told her. However, since this has been in place, she has treated it less and less like her home. She doesn't contribute anything at all and she only comes on "fun" days when she knows she'll get taken out for dinner or similar. She has told us as much.

Part of me thinks - she's his DD and it's her home and she should come when she likes. Part of me thinks - why can't his commitment to his plans with me come first, why should we drop everything for her? And why should she get the message that our plans come second to her whim?

She's 15 btw.

A big part of me wishes he wouldn't ask me my opinion and just tell her no. I could just tell him "you decide" but that would be testing him and is therefore unfair.

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Right


Tell her ok she can come on Wednesday as your dd now goes away to her dads on, say, a Thursday.


Watch what happens then.


Agree she may be angling to come over when something nice might be happening, hoping for either an evening out or an evening in on her own chillaxing while you're out.

Either way although understandable it's just not acceptable - I would feel that I was being manipulated and manoeuvred if I were you/your DH,
Is there any way that you can find out if the wantin to come over means wanting to go out with you and DH, or if she wants some chill time at yours while you're out and doesn't mind not seeing much of her dad? Without being that obvious lol - of course you could bite the bullet and be straight up when you ask which will let her know (if she is game playing) that YOU know.
Then once you know how the ground lies you can deal with things better.
May well be she wants some parent free time and her answer will put your mind at rest hopes
Hope there's an innocent answer and she's not just trying it on x

[brdgrl]

My teen DSC are here all the time, at least the 15-year-old is, the 18 year-old has some nights out with friends (not many though). Our DD is small enough she goes to bed before 8.

We can't really afford to go out, and get a babysitter, pay for evening out, etc, so we try to have an 'at home date night' once a week. (I say try because lately I have been too busy with work to even manage that.)

The kids are told we are having a date - I actually think it is fine to say it that way, it models a loving adult relationship - and that we want to be undisturbed except in case of dire emergency. We eat dinner, just the two of us, after DD has gone to bed, and we tell the older kids that we have dibs on the TV room.

It's not a problem because we haven't presented it as anything but 'normal' - we don't apologise for it. If we have a planned evening, even an evening in, I expect DH not to change it unless something extraordinary has come up. If we had it on a standing evening, like you do, and the kids asked to do something with DH that evening (or for him to give them a lift somewhere or whatever), I'd expect the kids to accept the response "sorry, we have plans that evening, it'll have to be another time".

Unless she has fixed reasons why she can't make it another evening (work shifts, a class, a firm obligation at her mum's), I can't see why you should change.

[Russianfudge]

Things - we offered for her to come and stay in alone but she didn't want to. She has now said she will still come at the weekend so that is good, in the past the sulking would have lasted longer.

I think what I mean when I say it's sad is that we shouldn't feel like we can't do this, and she shouldn't feel the need to mess about this way. But it's an impossible scenario.

Brdgirl I can't imagine it would ever happen that we could have a private night in if dsd were here!

[purpleroses]

I think you did the right thing - she was welcome to come but chose not to because you made it clear you weren't going to drop your plans for her. That's a perfectly reasonable choice for her to make. Just behave as normal this weekend and it'll hopefully soon be forgotten.

[Russianfudge]

Thanks Purple. We had a very nice time, by the way

[DejaVuAllOverAgain]

Obviously I'm a little bit late for this week but I disagree with those who say you should give up your date night. Your marriage is important and if this time together helps to keep the relationship running smoothly then you should stick with it.

Look at it this way if your DH had an evening class, or a hobby that could only be done on Wednesday night, then he wouldn't cancel that barring an emergency. Presumably if your DSD needed to see him in an emergency he (and you) would cancel for that but if it's not an emergency then tell her she's welcome at any other time but that night you have plans.

[HopelessDei]

Christ, just seen your own child doesn't even live with you either. So you are basically a couple with no kids and, presumably, plenty of freedom, complaining about changing your poncy "date" which could take place any time? Meanwhile, there's a teenage girl going through a crap time, product of a divorce she didn't ask for, being shoved from pillar to post and probably blindingly aware neither wants her around.

To whoever said "power play", the poor kid probably feels anything but powerful. And comparing dinner out to a hobby? wtf? I actually find the sniping about a mixed-up child on here very distasteful. Oh, but if your therapist said Weds night out was essential...

I just don't know what to say to you about your standing on ceremony comment. You partners child comes to visit, he doesn't see her every night and yet he resents having to stay at home actually interacting with her when she comes? She's his child, his responsibility.

What a sad situation. I thank my lucky stars my parents didn't screw me up like this. Resenting having to stay in looking at me when they could be out making eyes at each other...and bitching about me online for wanting to go where the fun is.

[Petal02]

Hopeless you've misread this. The OP's daughter lives with them FT, except for Wednesdays, which is when she sees her father. So why shouldn't they have a regular date night on a Wednesday? The DSD can come over on any other night.

And it was me who mentioned power-play. Are you suggesting that a 15 yr old girl is incapable of being manipulative?

[brdgrl]

Hopeless, do you really think your parents never moaned to a friend or coworker about having to miss out on something they'd rather do, because of their kid? How sweet that you think so.

People speak to their friends, or in this era, post online, about issues with their children. I rather doubt that all the mums currently posting on this thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2037874-be-honest-do-you-think-having-kids-has-made-you-happier-or-less-happy? - have told their children how unhappy they are.

Or do you think they are all terrible human beings as well?

[Petal02]

It's the double standard we've all grown accustomed to - moan about your own children and people will sympathise, moan about someone elses and you get flamed .......

[HopelessDei]

Well, I guess referring to them as "someone else's" explains a lot...

[brdgrl]

They are someone else's, Hopeless.

Believe me, even in the moments my DSC's love or like me most, they don't want to be considered "mine". They have a dad, they had a mum. They were practically teens when I met them. They would not welcome your expectation that they are "my" children.

[brdgrl]

Do you have stepkids, *Hopeless"? I hope you aren't one of those pirate mums we hear from now and again!

[Sparklysilversequins]

I could not agree with Hopeless more.

Utterly pathetic.

[Petal02]

Sparkly, so do you suggest the OP runs her life to suit the whims of a non resident teenager?

[Sparklysilversequins]

No but I suggest she stops using aggressive terms such as "ambush" when referring to the flighty whims of a teenager and try as I might I just cannot see the problem here. Just continue with your plans OP, she'll soon get bored. She's not ambushing anything she's just being a self centred teenager.

I also don't think you have the right, certainly at that age to stipulate when she can and can't be in her own home.

[Sparklysilversequins]

Is she resident or non resident because in your last post you said she lives with them full time except for that night?

[Petal02]

The OP has a bio daughter who lives with them FT, except for Wednesday nights. It's the DSD who is non resident.

[brdgrl]

Just continue with your plans OP, she'll soon get bored.

But sparkly, that's exactly what she was intending, and did. I thought you agreed 100% that she ought to change her plans!

[Sparklysilversequins]

No, just the ridiculous date night being of paramount importance crap.

[Russianfudge]

What a strange way to interpret my posts...

As the others said, I have one dd who lives with me but is at dad's on a Wednesday and a dsd who can come whenever she likes but keeps picking a Wednesday for no reason at all. We said she could come, but that we wouldn't be in as had plans and she declined. My DH and I feel guilty about this and I wanted some support. Thankfully lots of sensible folk on here helped me to see that a regular child free night out (call it date night or whatever) when a child is 15 years old, isn't really a crime.

Thanks all

[HopelessDei]

I think it's obvious why she keeps picking a Weds.

[brdgrl]

Yep, it's fairly obvious. Hence the word "ambush".

[Petal02]

Yep, ambush is exactly the right word.

[HopelessDei]

I'd also choose Weds if it was the only night I could see my dad without "someone else's daughter" hanging around.