Can't stand dsd's mum, makes me irritable with dsd

[agnes2404]

Hnnngggg. I feel bad. Dsd is 6 and a sweet little girl who has an amazing sisterliness with my dd (3). Thing is, i think her mum is a bit of a twat. So dsd walks in our house and I flinch, like she's an intruder. Argh! How awful is that? I do love her, but not like I love my dd. I am lovely with my dsd, we have a nice relationship, but I feel guilty for projecting my feelings about her mother onto her.

How do you get past hating the mum and get on with loving the dsc?

Anyone tried having a good relationship with the mum? Or is it too complex?

'a bit of a twat' - would you care to expand on that erudite statement at all?

Agnes, it may be difficult, but try to see the likeness between dsd and her dad instead?
I do get what you mean, little girls tend to emulate their mums more than their dads, but when my dsd was being a bit of a handful (and yes, her mother is "unreasonable") I'd actually say to her as sweetly as possible how much she was like her dad, she was delighted and that really changed the atmosphere.
Dsd is 17 now and much more her own person and able to make own choices, have own opinions that are not spoon fed by mum and is a happier kid all round.

Ps
When exh remarried I never said anything bad about the sm, I hadn't even met her, after all. It was always clear she liked my ds and when we finally met I made sure I came across as a like able human being so she'd continue to treat ds well. We like to think of each other as friends now and she once turned to me for help with health issues.
Ds used to thank me for this attitude as the dsc mum always clearly put herself first and the kids in the firing line between herself and dh. She still doesn't talk to me, her kids still suffer from divided loyalties albeit to a far lesser degree. Shame.

My dsd is the image of her mum, has her bad attitude, selfishness and bigheadedness. She idolises her mum and says when she grows up, she wants to stay home and have lots of kids and lots of boyfriends like mummy.

Sometimes, just looking at her puts me in a bit of a mood, but I always try to see the positives. For example, my kids are very academic and she used to get angry that they always get certificates at school. I (and my ds's) encouraged her to put some more effort into her work and she gets certificates too, which really made her proud of herself. Also, her manners have really improved and we've got her interested in things other than looking at herself in the mirror!

There are still days where she really reminds me of her mum, but you have to remember that they are just kids and they are influenced by what goes on around them. Try to look for the positives and remember that they are their own person. They are not (and hopefully won't become) their mum.

I know , I know, I know.

However , as the others have said, she's just a child and will pick up on negativity towards her. I know you realise this, but she is not her mum, none of this is her fault! I don't mean to sound critical, I do get how you feel. Dc live with us mostly FT. It's irrational, but it's your problem to deal with.

I am firmly in the camp of the ex being unreasonable and not putting her dcs first, I could write an essay on this week alone. It hurts that my dp gets a raw deal and is consistently upset by what comes out of his dcs mouth (repeated from mum)and there's nothing he can do other than kindly point out inaccuracies without telling the absolute truth as it would her dc too much. I digress.

Chin up, count to ten( literally).

I especially like queens advice. Hang in there. If her mum is really such a 'twat' dsd needs some support and stability. Although could it be that you will never see eye to eye as she is your dps ex?

Fwiw, I tried the friendly line with the ex... It hasn't worked, although I am and will always be civil to her for the sake of dc, even though I want to give the selfish being some home truths... Wouldn't solve anything though would it so I just 'paint one on' like some demented Cheshire Cat.

My step kids look just like their mum and sound like her too. Right down to coming out with stuff that kids should just not say. For example they share the same horrid opinions and they swear to the point I can't have them in the house when my kids are here. So I feel for you op. No helpful advice I just wanted to let you know I feel the same way.

My DSD is becoming more like her Mum - very entitled, money orientated and mercenary. She is looking more and more like her as she gets older too poor child
We try and ignore it and focus on the positives but I agree it is hard. More so for DP who faces seeing his precious little girl turn into a little replica of the woman he hates
As for getting on with the ex, its not easy. I get on well with my dcs stepmum, I don't interfere when they are there and never badmouth her (even when the dc do!) but DPs ex made me her enemy from the word go for no reason other than the fact I am with DP, who she hates!

Nigellasdealer - I realise calling her a bit of a twat makes me a bit of a twat! I was being flippant but really I should have explained how important it's been to me that I get along with dsd's mum. I think we are blessed by this little girl, never more so than when I watch my dd and her laughing and playing, they are so in love!

I hate the fact her mum sees us as a threat (my interpretation) and occasionally acts on her fears by being angry/hostile. I get it though, I really don't know how i would handle it if me and my dh split up and I had to think of dd partly raised by a stepmum. Tbh she's usually civil and fine - occasional problems (threatens to take dsd away from us) but mostly ok.

That said - dsd mum split up with my dh before dsd born. They never lived together as a family and I have always been around for dsd. We got together when she was still a baby.

I also realise, writing this and reading your supportive replies, that I need to let go. She will come round or she won't. Up to her, not me! I can still love my dsd and acknowledge that it's sometimes a struggle. I think in trying to be perfect. Mission impossible!