Building bridges, would you...?

[mrsdaisaku]

I'm not going to give too much detail as that I fear is irrelevant. I have not spoken to my dh's ex since she blew up on our doorstep and I told her not to talk to my husband the way she was. Subsequently she and my husband have had mediation and things have calmed down... This usually follows a pattern, when things are good they are really good, no bickering, each side tries to be considerate etc Then slowly little things will start happening and you can feel the storm building, until the big blow out. I think a lot of you will relate to this.

My step daughters mean the world to me and are my youngest daughters half sisters. They also have a half sister of a similar age with their mum. My dilemma is, I'm tired of avoiding their mother, I don't like the under currents of animosity that I know both her daughters and my eldest daughter are aware of. I want to invite their mother in with her youngest to try and build bridges (but understand that she may feel uncomfortable in our home). I want to broach previous issues, but don't want to rock the boat in the process. I know we will never be 'friends', but I would at least like to be mutually respectful to each other and show the children that we are able to be. I know I could just brush things under the carpet and pretend like nothing has happened in the past and just make the effort to be civil, but not sure if after 6 years I can do that this time.

Any opinions on this subject are welcome, things are fine at the moment and I don't want to cause trouble if there is no reason to.

How does your DH feel about your idea?
I think it is a wonderful idea in theory but in reality I think it could all blow up in your face unless it is all handled very carefully.
Would it be better to arrange a meeting in a neutral place to start with so that she doesn't feel ganged up on??

My husband is on board with the idea in principal, he understands and appreciates the reasons why I would like to mend fences. But he knows his ex and knows that if I put things out there, that it may cause me and his girls to get hurt again (and if I'm honest, I'm afraid of the same things).

A neutral place would be good, but difficult when you live in different counties. At the moment this is just my thought processes, we've not made any concrete decisions on the matter. I suppose I'd like to get the other sides opinion. I know that the ex has resentment over how my dh has changed since he's been with me. The more I think about it, the more I think it's a bad idea.

Would your DH be able to broach the idea subtly? As in this has been something he's been thinking about, how would she feel if... etc. That way you aren't being put in the firing line, he can gauge her reaction to see how receptive she is and if it causes some bristling then he can dismiss it and save you getting any hair dryer treatment for trying to be the 'bigger' person and reach out.

tension That's such a good idea and so simple and as you say no one gets hurt. Why didn't I think about it? This is why I like putting some of these things on here, sometimes you can get so blinkered.

I thought about a similar thing this morning.

I know DP's ex would jump at the chance and for a fleeting moment I thought life would be serene and we'd be able to behave politely and with courtesy towards one another.

Then as soon as the words behave, polite and courtesy came to mind I realised it would never work!

Your history doesn't with the ex doesn't sound as bad as ours though....

I have often pondered this but came to the conclusion that some people just aren't reasonable and that no matter how normal it should be to have a mutual respect and civility between a mum and a stepmum (my dd's sm and I have this) it isn't always possible.

Not everyone will like you, some may even hate you. And that's okay

I wouldn't rock the boat tbh.

I have never met DPs ex and she has formed an opinion on me based on I don't know what.
Sometimes I think that I would like to meet her, to show her I'm not what she thinks I am and that I do genuinely care for her DC and don't want to take over from her. I wish she could see that DP and I want to be reasonable with her to do the best for the DC.

But it will never happen. She is either too stupid or too nasty to want to make things right between us all and her dc are just collateral damage in her war against DP for doing nothing other than finding out about her affair and then not going away quietly but fighting for access to his own dc.
Russian Fudge is right - you just can't reason with some people.