access, pr and holiday up the swanney!!!!

[pinknfluffy29]

hello all
this is a biggie so get a coffee lol!!!

my partner has 2 ds (6 & 8) from previous r/ship. i have 1 ds(7) from pr/ship and together we have a dd (6mths) since we moved in together over a year ago we have had his ds's every other weekend (fri - sun) and all has been relatively well. in may one of my friends (who has already been through all this malarkey) told us we should claim shared care back from the CSA as we have the boys for more than 52 nights a year - excellent save a few quid that we can spend on them when here. at this same time we asked dp's ex about having birthday party for youngest and would she go halves (gave plenty of advance warning, prices and all info etc..) she ummmed and ahhhed for 2 months and then said no she couldnt afford it. because i really wanted my son to have b. party this year i suggested we stump up the cost. she was soo put out and refused any help with invites etc.. anyway had bp and only 2 kids turned up. once she received notification that CSA were reducing amount because of shared care she has kicked up a stink - and for past 2 months everytime dp has gone to get kids has been asked for money for trainers, haircuts, swimming lessons etc.. which dp has refused (we spend money on clothes for them here and holidays, days out etc) so she has told CSA about dp 2nd job (odd night working as medic) we wouldnt mind but her and her partner are on benefits so they dont get any more or less whatever we pay. last time we picked boys up she needed to speak to dp on the sunday so all weekend we were worrying about what was coming up next any way on sunday morning the eldest had wet the bed (had problems over year ago but since then nothing) so dp sat him down and asked what was wrong and in future to come let one of us know (he had hid his jamas down the side of the bed) he said he has been having nightmares. obviously on sunday this was what she wanted to talk about!!!!! anyway the conversation ended with her complaining once again about shared care reduction and her slamming door! we have been to the solicitors and had a letter sent to her asking for dp to be informed of any health, behavioural and educational problems and also asking her to sign a pr agreement. she has been away for 3 weeks and so got letter on sunday - phone call from CSA abpout other stuff but also saying she wanted to cancel shared care. we are now assuming she will not let dp have children this w.end. he still going to go as normal but no we worried as we have a holidsy booked for all of us in sept and think she might refuse dp to take them!!!

breath..... so sorry for such a long one but both me and dp are really getting upset and stressed over this. think it might just have to be the long road to court but really dont want to not see kids til then.

thank u for listening - any words of advice or anyone in similar situ please help???

so you informed the csa that you had shared care and they were going to reduce her payments and you didnt bother to inform her, you waited for the csa to tell her? and you are angry because she told the csa about an extra job that had not been declared? is that right?

tbh it sounds like you got her back up so now she is making things awkward for you, and while its not nice i can understand it. i can also understand why you wanted to pay less, but i think the situation has been badly managed. tbh i would apologise for going behind her back and try to get back on good terms rather than going through court. it will be extremely expensive (thousands) and will make the children very unhappy.

if you explain that you thought it would make no difference to her because she is on benefits and you were going to use the money on the kids it may make her feel a bit better, but i can imagine she thinks your dh is trying to wriggle out of paying for her kids. could you agree to send the clothes and extra stuff home as long as they travel back to your house with the kids?

hey pinkfluffy

Just keep breathing, i know it's hard and make sure that you are ready for the worst. I know it sounds awful but with mothers like this who are so volatile it's important to knwo your rights and that your partner know his rights as their dad! We're going through a similar situation. I have a 3 year old SD who comes to stay with us for 4 nights of the week every week and we pay out every month but recently there were arguments about the way in which we look after her little girl. The mother decided that because she feels that we are too strict (because we use a naughty corner and have time out) and because we remove make up and nail varnish off my SD every week and because we don't let her drink coke or have chips (only once a week) that we undermind her and that were not parenting her how she wants it to be done so she decided to punish us by not letting us see her reguarly for 2 months (we were only aloud to see her once every other week) this was a huge blow to both of us as we adore my partners little girl and my partner was reduced to tears. We have had her every week for 4 nights since she was born and because she didn;t like the way we do things we were punished. I think it;s ridiculous that mothers have this much power and can be so calculating. No two parents will ever raise thier kids the same, it's impossible.

We said we'd never change the ways in which we did things so we carried on. Within 2 months she begged us to take her back 4 nights because my SD's behaviour was appauling and the mother couldn't cope anymore. I think this is down to lack of discipline myself and my SD has no boundaries at home and on many occassions have seen her at her mothers home interrupt convosations by throwing herself on the floor and screaming to her mum. (who then picks her up cuddles her and gives her a sweet!)

I think that you need to know your rights and make sure that you follow it through. i said to my partner during the 2 months of hell we had of not seeing her that if we went to court now that although she may not let us see her for a few motnhs it would be a means t an end becuase it's better than a life of confussion and change for the child and that we'd get fixed time and holidays which would end this power struggle.

We haven't needed to go to court, but if things chnage again (which i'm sure they will) we will do anything possible to see his daughter.

Hang in their and maybe have a meeting, get someone to look after the kids, have a meeting and clear the air? and if their real monsters (some are!) then just stand firm and turn up to pick the kids up as normal and find out what the kids want! They should have their say.You can always have a social worker come and assess the situation aswell, and help advise you on parental responsability if she refuses to giveit. its worth a try if worst comes to worst. But i'm sure it won't keep loving them and supporting your partner for now.

I can't believe that you suggest that pinkfluffy send the clothes back to the mother! i'm sorry but thats ridiculous. We buy all my SD's clothes and things for her stay at our house not for her mother to use. Thats the reason we pay in the first place! i'm sorry but mothers on benefits don't necissarily all struggle. I know that my SD's mother doesn't and i would begrudge sending clothes that i had paid for over to her house when she should be able to spend the money you pay her on clothes.

And if the situation is difficult i think it's ok not too tell her about the decrease in payments, because it's not really any of her buisness how much money you earn and it's the CSA's job to deal with the money. it may have been wiser to tell her but if things are breaking down with communication then i know how difficult it can be to bring yourself to tell someone something so difficult.I think you said you did tell her anyway, when you metioned the party to her?

hi goblin
once my friend told me about the shared care my dp phoned the CSA to enquire if this was true - within 30 minutes csa had been on the phone to his ex got all the info wrong saying it would be 104 nights and the whole of the holidays. we had not decided to go ahead at this point and were going to speak to his x when we next picked up the kids. we tried to explain that for the nights we had the children we were spending money on food, bath, clothes (had the hassle of her demanding clothes back so now they strip when they walk through the door into our clothes) we have always been up front about any plans we had for the kids and now its escalationg - she has even contacted the school and told them not to inform dp or any reports etc... when previously he has always gone to parents evening and had reports. we have absolutely no qualms paying via the csa but when we are buying clothes and trainers + days out and holidays and expensive xmas/birthday presents parties and then she still wants money for school trips etc.. we kind of think she has the arse becasue we chose to give little one birthday party when she could have had the money for something else. my dp has now given up his day job as he cant afford to pay her extra CSA and pay for holidays and such and our thinking is we get what we can for the kids while they here - ive been a single mother on benefits and i always dressed and catered for my son before myself. it seems what we are paying via CSA is not actually going on the kids and rather on her Partner and their new baby. sorry for the rant

ok, sorry i thought you had just gone ahead and done stuff without telling her which really would have annoyed me.

i am suggesting letting them take the clothes back because it might help the situation, not because she has no need to buy clothes herself or anything else, but if she sees her x is paying less and her kids are losing out it may help for her to see the money is still being spent on them.

i have been through court a couple of time swith my x, it has literally cost me thousands and although it helped when things were really bad, ultimately it hasnt helped much. if you can avoid court then do, for everyones sake.

my x buys stuff for the kids and refuses to let it come home with them (and im sorry, but he only has them every other weekend so this is their home, not his house) and it upsets them. they see it as a battle and they feel uncomfortable. if there is no reason why they cant pack a bag and bring the stuff they want then that may work better, and if it makes their mum happier then it isnt a bad thing.

im not supporting her at all, and fwiw i get no maintenance at all from my x and never have. i just think if there is a way to make things easier between the parents then that is the best thing for the children. and if it means they get to have their nice new things all the time, why on earth shouldnt they? do they belong to the kids or the parents? my ex used to send my boys home in bare feet because they didnt want me to use the shoes they bought. it was utterly pathetic and no way to teach kids how to behave.

i would only recommend court if she stops you seeing them. i do think it is fair he gets pr and it is very unfair to stop dads being involved in schools etc. if you have to go to court then you have to. buts its not an easy option for anyone, least of all the kids so if you can avoid it please do. i just thought that talking it through may help more, as it sounded like previously things had not been too bad. if you are going to try talking i would recommend it is just your dh and his ex tho as new partners tend to stir up a lot of negative emotions and it probably wont help if the extra pressure is there (thats not intended as an insult to step parents btw, my dp is a brilliant step dad but i would not take him to talk to my ex either)

whenever we have sent clothes back with them (nice smart casual clothes) they are never returned and its like she sends them in their scruffiest, tattiest clothes to us so when we do want to take the boys somewhere special we didnt have the right clothes to take them in, hence this whole stripping the minute they get through the door. we bought his 2 and my son a gameboy each for xmas asked his ex if would be ok. we said they could take them with them while they are at home otherwise they dont get much use out of them but even that she started using as a punishment - the boys were not allowed to bring them with them one weekend because they had misbehaved, thats our present to them, if she wants to punish them she should take something that she got them. we just seem not to be able keep her happy and what it now boils down to is are the kids happy and their our main concern!!!

got a text today saying we could have the boys sat 10-6 and sun 10-6 but not overnight just for the sake of a few quid that we would rather was spent on the children. we havent even claimed a reduction for the 2 we have with us all the time when we are entitled to a reduction for relevant other children. dp got an appt with a solicitor on tuesday as we havent heard back from her about the pr agreement. and we cant ask about the holiday in case we rock the boat - doing it all by the book step by step!!! and now me and dp have started rowing over silly little things - can see this all ending in tears!!!!