first weekend with step kids

[mistressmiggins]

Hi girls

have asked your advice b4 over last 8 months so if you could just spare some reassurance

my children (4 & 2) have arrived at daddy's house - this is the first weekend where daddys "friend" (as DS 4 calls her) will be there all weekend. My ex hasnt told the kids anything - I have to fill in & explain things....DS knows SHE is living with daddy now

just a little anxious....DD (2) ususally comes in when she wakes up - its going to be weird seeing another woman in daddy's bed

Im hoping they will take it in their stride....to be honest, when they come home after a weekend with daddy, I have bed wetting, weeing during the day and early morning coming into my bedroom crying for me

Im OK - just cant help worrying about the children... SHE has not exactily gone out of her way to introduce herself to the childrne

oh well they weill be back Sunday lunchtime

I was the 'new' woman for 6 years before becoming SM. I would have moved the clouds to make DH's 2 children's stay pleasant and non-stressful. It's not the children's fault both X's feel the way they do. I made a conscious decision not to even stay in the same room as my partner for weeks when it first started, to give them time to get used to me. I was perhaps mored scared then the children were. I felt that the children should get used to me in a non invasive way, and then once they were comfortable (made noticable by leaping around the house - bangs and crashes - squabbles = normal household stuff), then I would become more settled. I would worry if they were quiet and subdued as that meant to me they felt awkward. It was a bit like that in the first few meetings, but soon vanished. I also made sure that their Mum was mentioned a lot and that talking about her was normal and acceptable. I would never even think about giving the children a cuddle. Towards the later stages, I'd give them a peck on the cheek hello and goodbye, but only if they came to me. It would have sent a very odd message to react coldly to an innocent child, who is responding naturally. Hugs etc were for Daddy and Mummy.

I feely admit that was hard for me as I'd never done the shared-relationship before and I had to bite my tongue not to be childish or precious - as it always feels like you play second fiddle. Don't be tempted to undermine either party, as it always ends in tears - trust me! (I've seen it happen from both sides).
Just a small bit of reassurance - as a step-mum or new woman - you NEVER replace a child's mother and we know that. We can become close, but no-one is as special as YOU. There is frankly no competition!! Fools rush in where angels fear to tread!
Retain your dignity and you will get 100% more respect from everyone.

to be honest, I wish that ex & HER would split up

I KNOW 100% that if ex was with someone toher than the mistress, I wouldnt bat an eyelid

Im sure it is hard veing the SM - Im sure that I will be in that position one day

BUT the difference in my situation is that this SM/girlfriend KNEW he was married with young children and clearly didnt give a F...

enough said...am glad and grateful for responses

will no doubt be on the Step parent threads for real one day (but at the moment thats another story and far too soon )

mm you have every right to feel the way you do towards the woman who broke up your marriage, I really do feel for you. Of course it's OK to feel hurt, or as caligula says fucking murderous! I know I would!! But likewise, it certainly will be OK too. It will get better for you

You have done brilliantly so far and deserve a massive pat on the back, do try to keep it up

Please try to keep smiling, and if or when you do become a stepmum remember we'll be here to help you through it

thanks
I do try but mostly cos I have had such great support
I guess having people in RL saying they wouldnt be so kind or generous makes me feel Im not unfeeling BUT am trying for my children

time is a great healer is certainly true

Spot on mm, time certainly is a great healer. And yes, lots of people wouldn't have been so kind in your situation, but you're doing it for your children and you know that's the right thing to do

It will get easier for you

MM you always sound such a lovely lady.

It's hard being a step-mum because it's difficult to know where the line is that you might inadvertently step over and upset the BM. And I think the line is probably in different places for different people. I just wondered, when your ex-h says the children are his responsibility not hers, because he doesn't want you to feel like she's going to be another mum to your children if she has any involvement. I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well, but it's a difficult line to tread because you don't want to tread on the BM's toes or upset her (well I didn't anyway) but on the other hand you don't want it to look like you don't really want the child around in your relationship.

The thing that's always struck me in our situation is that because of the lack of communication between the two parties there's been a lot of misunderstandings that haven't helped things. If you can find a way of
getting the communication going between the two/three of you then it will be a good thing.
I don't think it's completely off the wall to be thinking about phoning her to see how it went and maybe offering pointers. I would have loved it if dh's x had felt able to do that and I would have welcomed any advice. And on my part I really wanted to reassure her that replacing her as a mum was never on my agenda and I simply wanted to make sure her little girl was OK when she was with us. But 8 years later we've never had those conversations and never will, she still thinks dsd is nothing to do with me (oh, until she needs a costume making for school!). If you do contact her I think it just shows - especially her - what a lovely person you are and how far you're willing to go to make sure your children are OK.

I have taken your advice and emailed my ex explaining that

"DS is anxious that GF doesnt like him....please explain to her that I dont expect her to be a mum as he has one, but its OK (and necessary) that she shows the kids love & cuddles - I can deal with that - Id rather they came home having had lots of cuddles from "your friend" than me have to explain that SHE does like DS....I know its hard but we need to work together.

This is not a dig - just letting you know its ok for HER to show DS & DD affection - they do need it

please dont reply in a negative way to my last comment - Im trying to keep the kids happ0y - you cant imagine how hard it is to encourage the woman who helped break up our marriage to cuddle & hug my children"

my ex has just emailed me thanking me...

I am crying - I have to cover holidays/speech therapy etc....and all ex has to do is ring every night.....I have to pretend to EVERYONE in RL that Im ok but Im not....today has been really hard regarding speech therapy - I not have to juggle work to fit in his sessions, while ex couldnt even ring on time tonight cos in a meeting at work - great so he can be so committed at work whereas Im seen as unrealible....fed up of looking after everyone's feelings/job apart from mu own

ahh MM you are amazing you really are.

You are doing the greatest and most fantastic job of being a mummy to the highest level possible.

You know in 20 years who is going to remember or give a shit that your x was at work for a meeting and didn't have to take time off?

On the other hand your children are going to remember and realise what an awesome woman and mummy you are.

Yes you are going to have lots of shit, you children will be monsters, tell you they don't love you, you're not fair, you don't understand etc.

But with your example they are going to grow up to be fantastic adults. If they are half as awesome as you then you will have accomplish that.

I know this is only words but you need to look at yourself in the mirror realise what YOU have sacrificed (compared to your selfish bastard of an x).

Be proud of yourself. I know we all are (-:

thanks Kathlean - r u my SIL
she has just phoned me & said the same thing

I really really thought ex would phone to see how we got on but obviously his job is more important

the joke is that he CAN be 100% for his job as has no responsibilites....whereas I am now signed up for 4 weekly sessions for speech therapy whic makes me look UN reliable....ex doesnt see this

Well would you expect him to see it? From what you have posted previously he is quite big on being in denial - but not so good on self-denial.

Just would like to agree with kathlean's post.

stupidly YES I expect him to appreciate/acknowledge....but he didnt when we were married if Im honest, so I guess the Rose coloured specks are finally falling

sad reality for me to face

That's because your ex is an arse. He is too stupid to realise what he has given up/lost and too selfish to care about anyone but himself and his own needs.

Yes he loves his children (in his own way) but they are not important to him. There are many men out there desperate to be included in their childrens lives and who do play a big role.

He even thanked you for your e-mail. I don't think that he has the slightest understanding that you did this for your CHILDREN not for him.

Out of interest would he have taken time off before you seperated or would it still have been all your doing so? He probably would only have asked if you had still been together because he would have come home and seen your child and remembered then.

Trouble is you are a mummy so your children come first that is why you cannot imagine their daddy not thinking the same way.

I'll second all of Kathlean's post. I can't tell you how amazing I think you are, MM for sending that email. Step aside Kerry Katona, Mistress Miggins is Mum of the Year.

And can I send a {{hug}} too.

no he wouldnt have taken time off
a year ago in July when DD was just 1, we had to call an ambulance cos she was behaving oddly....I went in ambulance and from 10pm til 3am the hospital staff were worried.....then at 3am she reacted...at 8am the dr told me they thought she had menegitus......(SP)....ex turned up next morning - brought me spare knickers - thong(not exactly appropriate) barely looked at DD, and that night drove to South coast on business, and stayed til Thurs "because hed had to take the monday off cos DD in Hospital".....so I spent the following night by myself with sick DD (1) and DS (3) and he didnt give a F.....

I never told anyone in RL cos I am loyal but it was an awfully stressful week

Im not amazing...just looking after my children as all mums do.....unfortunately hafe a twat for an ex

Not sure if I should ask this but was he seeing HER then?

Even if he wasn't you are so well rid of him no matter how difficult life is.

You are amazing. Never forget that.

Many women would have refused to allow their x access, many would have bitched, insulted and put down their x to the children.

You have done everything to the point of breaking your own heart for the good of your children.

You are amazing.

it was last June and so yes, he was defintely seeing her then

shows how he felt

he was annoyed as had to take mon off work as DD was in hospital....so then stayed away rest of week - no doubt with her....

I mean - who would take THONG to the hospital for their wife when they'd been there all night>>>>>

Can't say anything except how right Kathlean is - keep reminding yourself of what a fantastic job you're doing.

what annoys me is that I was so upset tonight that I got cross with him for not caring enough about DS - who is too young to understand & so didnt realise daddu hadnt phoned....AND I cancelled a date with a great guy cos felt too emotional....thankfully he is disappointed but not pout off and so comign round tomorrow when he gets bnack from theatre

oooOOOOOOOOooooooo

Now we know yer!

Miggy and whatsisname sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G

(light-hearting teasing about prospective piece of ass, not nastiness, btw!)

I tell you - I have deffo been kissing

he is fab

has a 9 yr old daughter (full custody)
is soooo nice and even though I cancelled dinner tonight, he has been txting asking if Im ok and still want to see him....so now coming round tomorrow just for a cuddle

weyhey snogging eh?? That must have seemed really strange at first. I hope you are getting used to it though (-:

Buy yourself some sexy new thongs(-:

Time for me to hit the hay. Take care MM and remember

YOU ARE FANTASTIC