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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I've just had a huge bust up with my teenage dss and told him to leave.

20 replies

Carmenere · 02/08/2006 14:29

I totally over reacted and his dad is furious with me as his mums dp(and his mum) threw him out of the family home so it's his achilles heel iyswim.

My friend rang and dss answered the phone nad was very overfamiliar to my friend(ie he took the piss and was a bit unkind)I was really annoyed and told him not to be so disrespectful to my firends, he argued back and was rude to me and it just escalated from there. Dp did tell him not to be rude to me but then had a go at me too.

It just really pisses me off that this f*cking child that I have provided a loving home for is really disrespectful and rude to me and that his dad sticks up for him.

The little brat had the nerve to tell me that I ignored my dd and spent all my time talking to strangers and that I was pathetic. I lost it with him and told him to get out at that stage.

I did apologise almost immediately but he wouldn't accept it and has gone to work with dp who is not answering his phone.

I knew this was going to happen as the lazy lump has been sitting on the sofa since his school holidays began doing nothing, eating, making a mess and putting his hand out for cash from dp whneever he feels like it. He is supposed to be 'working' for dp, filing and what not and he is just taking the piss. We are absolutely smashed atm and this is really irritateing me.

I am very sorry that I told him to leave as I know this hurt him but I just lost it. I have left a messege on dp's voicemail saying as much but have had no reply.

It's very very hard having a teenager in your house at the best of times and worse when you have no athority over him whatsoever
I'm so fed up.....

OP posts:

7up · 02/08/2006 14:36

aw carmenere, poor you.i do feel for you. you lost it in a mad moment and regret. i think your dp needs to support you here rather than ignore you.praps when they come home you could be really really extra nice to dss and get your dp to have a word with him about his rudeness.

im dreading my 11.5 yr old son becoming ateenager, i think rudeness is all part and parcel of it from what my friends tell me

NotActuallyAMum · 02/08/2006 14:38

{{{hugs to you}}}

Can't offer any practical advice I'm afraid, just wanted to offer you support. It certainly is hard - in fact almost impossible - having a teenager living with you when you have no authority over them, I've got one myself....

Really hope you can sort this out but please realise that, although you did wrong, you were very angry and had very good reason - it's certainly not all your fault so please try not to beat yourself up

Your dss should also apologise to you too IMO. Also totally agree with 7up that your DP should support you more

Hope you're OK, thinking about you

Caligula · 02/08/2006 14:38

Hmm, not sure what to say really C except go and get some fresh air, or a bath, or a bar of green and black's or whatever will make you feel better.

The key for me in this post is that you have a teenager in your house over whom you have no authority whatsoever. Maybe this big bust-up might (after things have calmed down) be a catalyst for addressing that?

Palpal · 02/08/2006 14:39

Get over it. You think you're the only person to go through this.

Charlottesweb · 02/08/2006 14:41

Palpal... very constructive.

FoghornLeghorn · 02/08/2006 14:41

Helpful comment Palpal

fairyjay · 02/08/2006 14:45

Not much of a palpal!!!

SherlockLGJ · 02/08/2006 14:46

Goodness me PalPal, what a charming piece of work you are.

SherlockLGJ · 02/08/2006 14:47

Nothing to add to the phone call, but just posting to say ignore PalPal.

Misspiggy · 02/08/2006 14:50

I am in a similar position to you except the teenager loafing around after exams is my son and DH is his step parent. DH is finding it very hard ATM having DS at home, doing said loafing and nowt else. Sometimes IMO he is a bit hard on DS but I would never let DS know I think this and I support DH whilst trying to moderate his slightly fascist attitude to teenagers in general. It's easy to lose it with teenagers at the best of times but when frustrations have built up from feeling disempowered in your own home it's almost inevitable so don't beat yourself up over this, it happened. Apologise to DSS but he also owes you an apology and an assurance that he will try and act more maturely in the future. DP also needs to listen to how you feel and between you decide on a parenting strategy that presnts you both as united with the same amount of authority as each other. As for the comment about spending all your time talking to strangers, is he the only teenager in the universe who doesn't spend their life on MSN?!

quootiepie · 02/08/2006 14:51

hiya... no words of wisdom im afraid, BUT my husbands dad told me and him to get out once and we've never gone back - 2 years on. DH will never have a relationship with his dad now - but he (his dad) never tried to apologise, just kept making things worse. You've tried to apologise and im sure it will all end up ok. Just be sincere, swallow your pride. Its when people refuse to apologise etc. that problems really start to occur.

NotActuallyAMum · 02/08/2006 14:51

Palpal people come on this site for support and advice - they get it, every time without fail. That's what we're here for

Well said SherlockLGJ

You OK carmenere?

FoghornLeghorn · 02/08/2006 14:51

Ignore her/him/it Carmenere, only posted twice and both posts have been along these lines.

Anyway, It must be so hard to keep your cool all of the time with someone who clearly has no respect. I agree that DP should really be supporting you in situations like this.

Original poster

Carmenere · 02/08/2006 14:52

Thanks all, especially palpal (new to mumsnet? wellcome)I have calmed down a bit and am thoroughly ashamed of how I handled this. I'm supposed to be the adult. Poor kid has been kicked out of home and I swore I would never do the same.
I shall just have to do my best to make it up to him and have a good chat about how we are all going to be more respectful of each other in the future.
That said I will be expecting an apology for him saying I neglect my dd, cheek of him.

OP posts:

mytwopenceworth · 02/08/2006 14:59

i think it would be good to break this down and look at the bits independently.

1 - parents should present a united front to the children. so your dh having a go at you in front of his son - even if you were unreasonable, is still not on as it undermines you. i would have a chat with him and agree that all such disagreements take place out of earshot of the kids! last thing you want is your dss playing you and his dad off against one another.

your dss needs to show a bit more respect. teenagers are trained by Beelzebub! but you and his dad need to lay down some rules - like be polite, tidy a bit, get off the sofa at least once every day!!
no work/chores = no money. no money. no money. (this going out to you daddy!)
spend some time with him. he's at that horrible child/adult/child again phase that makes you want to lock him in his bedroom and call in a priest! but he would love some fuss and attention (secretly!)

Alternatively - arrange to have him shipwrecked and rescued sometime after his 35th birthday....

xxxx

NotActuallyAMum · 02/08/2006 15:16

He certainly does owe you an apology Carmenere. Good idea to have a chat about you all being more respectful, and please make sure he realises that means him too

Original poster

Carmenere · 02/08/2006 19:21

I have spoken to dss on the phone and told him that I love him to bits and that for the rest of my life there will be home for him with me. I apologised unresevedly and told him that I was very proud of him and that he is very important to me.
I've also told him to come home as I am making his favourite curry He is on his way.

OP posts:

quootiepie · 02/08/2006 20:39

well done xxx

SherlockLGJ · 02/08/2006 20:41

Misspiggy · 02/08/2006 20:48

Aww..must have taken some courage to make that call Carmenere, good on you! Hope he was as "gracious" as you were! Enjoy your meal.

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