Lazy step daughter

[BohdiSaurus]

I am increasingly fed up with my step daughter and my partner. She does nothing around the house. She is 16. My partner will occasionally ask her to Hoover a small hallway if and when I remind him. He seem completely against the idea and terrified of upsetting her by asking. Am I unreasonable to think a 16 year should help out regularly?

Of course she should - she is practically an adult. Can you sit down and talk it over properly with your DP? How does he explain his attitude - is it to avoid confrontation with a difficult teenager? It sounds like a pretty bad relationship then? Does she have an allowance? Why not both talk it through with her and decide what she will do in order to "earn" her allowance? Surely you should be able to tell her to do things, not just your DP?

Hi BohdiSaurus, by the age of 16 yes, ideally they should be regularly helping out. To my way of thinking, by then they should have been taught about doing some set chores round the house (we are a family, it isnt just down to your father and me to do housework, yada yada) from around the age of 11 or 12, lets say at least by secondary school age (before that, it is probably a bit hit and miss )

Do you mean your DSD has reached the ripe old age of 16 and hasnt gone through that process? That's a difficult change to make, she may be resistant, but it isnt impossible. Could you chat to DP to see if he would be willing for a short list of chores to be put on the fridge and agree who does what (on a rotating basis if that works for your family to swap things around).

The only other thing of course is that, at 16, they are into GCSEs so the amount of homework, coursework, revision is much greater, so we have been cutting my DSS a bit of slack but he normally does drying up, keeping his room tidy and bringing his washing through from his bedroom.

Tbh, help from a teenager isnt likely to make a huge difference, its more about them realising parents /SPs aren't there for their convenience waiting on them hand and foot

Agree with dromedary that it is a sign of a bad relationship, that's only going to get worse the more dad panders to her.
I have dss and dsd. Dss, 13, has been doing own laundry (like ds) for years now, dsd, nearly 17, refuses to do it (I used to for everybody until it became clear to me that dsd was changing clothes 3 times daily to up my workload, so then all the kids had to do own. Did not want to appear to be victimizing her!). Her stuff now festers in her room until dad sneaks it in the wash with his jeans... And of course dries it and puts it away too.
Dh also in charge of dishwasher duties. As he doesn't want dsd to put herself out, none of the kids need fill it anymore (used to be after one meal a week on a set day).
Needless to say, dss and I have a good relationship, he respects both dh and me, like ds btw. There is no way in hell dh would ask dsd to lend a hand. And yet he can't see her lack of respect for him, and her rudeness to me, is due to his refusal to parent her. I know she does own laundry at her mums, but as far as other chores go, I have no idea. We have a regular cleaner now as I won't clean up after her.
Daisychain, spot on with the amount of "help" given by teens, its teaching them life skills that matters, including respecting their parents...

DSD 11 has to do her share though DP is a bit soft with her.

Ive said Im not having some entitled princess sitting on arse waiting to be looked after. It is disrespectful to us and would be doing her no favours at all.

Tee hee. In my world by 16 they should be helping out and capable of self sustaining at least for a limited period.

So that would include being able to use domestic machinery like washing machine, tumble drier, dish washer, iron and be able to cook and clean up.

But my dsc's are way behind on that, oldest is 16 in two days. No idea, just hopeless. Can't trust her not to burn the house down.

Not sure she even knows where the washing machine is.

And even the mention of washing dishes, a basic life skill, brings howls of protest.

Just keep at it. The price for their independence is just that, independence!