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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Arrrrrrrrrgh.

17 replies

entersandmum · 01/02/2014 22:35

I don't know if it's that DP completely changes personality or the fact that DSD10 is sooooo pampered; The whole access experience pisses me off.

Been a step-mum before & never had this level of stress & entitlement.

I've even started to lie about when I have A/ L so I don't end up babysitting!

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Original poster

entersandmum · 01/02/2014 22:45

DP & Exw have decided between them that as I don't work 1 day a week I am open to be told I am babysitting. Arrrrgh get a job Exw and grow some ballls DP; I am not a glorified childminder & I spend my 1 day off on me.....not my own kids or yours, ME!

OP posts:

LyndaCartersBigPants · 01/02/2014 22:48

You need to say that, it's your day off and you shouldn't feel obliged to spend it looking after someone else's child, regardless of how close you may be to her.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 01/02/2014 22:49

I feel resentful even spending my one night a week off with DP AND his DCs. If he wasn't there, no way I'd be volunteering my services and DP wouldn't presume to ask.

Original poster

entersandmum · 01/02/2014 22:58

Normally I wouldn't mind but DP is working all weekend & Dsd10, I'm afraid to say, is hard work at it's best.

It is like having a sulky, unsatisfied teen. If I say anything I am having a go?

DP even had a go at ne, saying I don't treat Dsd10 as my own.

Of course I don't; My kids would be in so much trouble if they physically or verbally attacked me..

OP posts:

Original poster

entersandmum · 01/02/2014 23:20

I've actually booked half term off for Dd4, but haven't told DP as I know the weeks plans will be sabotaged by ExW wanting to go out.

OP posts:

shey02 · 01/02/2014 23:22

Enters, so frustrating, it's a no win. You're taken advantage of, but also have no authority, no voice, no appreciation I'm guessing. I also suffer with the dp personality change when around the kids and the frustration of being accused of treating them differently... when they don't act like normal kids around me. I get more laughs, hugs and kisses off my friends kids in a month, than I have the dsc in two years. It used to break my heart, now I just detach. I guess you need to have a word before it becomes regular, esp. if the child is reluctant too.

Original poster

entersandmum · 01/02/2014 23:31

shey02 I do detach, but Dsd10 is so much like a mini-wife. I bought 2 sofas for the new house because previously having 1, meant my kids & I had to sit on the floor.

In short DSD10 acts like DP's girlfriend & it really freaks me out!

OP posts:

shey02 · 01/02/2014 23:50

Oh god, lovely! I know the feeling. For me, two years on, I give the dsc all the space they 'say' that they need, all the family time they 'say' that they need... (DP and I don't live together). The odd behaviour is not down to insecurity or anything like that. They seem happy to see their father tripping over himself to accomodate them and exclude me and my children. And I see calculated efforts to make me feel small and excluded and it's not nice when your partner seems to become one of the children along with them!

LyndaCartersBigPants · 02/02/2014 01:00

Oh noooo. Spousal privilege, that's not good. Does she also want to sleep in his bed, front seat of the car etc? He needs to stop that.

bridalBOM · 02/02/2014 09:00

Eurghh that has brought back hideous memories of dsd wanting to sit in the front of the car

I feel for you, enters, does he know how you feel?

Original poster

entersandmum · 02/02/2014 09:57

Thankfully a good friend agreed with me about the mini wife behaviour after witnessing it herself. I did wonder if it was just my imagination.

Getting in my side of the bed if I get up, sitting on his lap for most of the day, eating only from his plate, DP is not allowed to touch me as Dsd10 gets jealous, holding hands at the table, having to sleep with DPs clothes so she can smell him, the constant kissing, touching etc. It really is bizarre & embarrassing when in public.

I have talked to DP once about this and the random babysitting & he partially agreed. Things were ok for a few weeks then it was back to normal.

DP informed me over Xmas that Dsd10 would be here for 2 weeks. He seemed shocked when I informed him I would be working and unable to look after Dsd10, as he and Exw had already made arrangements....WITHOUT asking me first.

OP posts:

bridalBOM · 02/02/2014 12:00

That would send me in to a rage! They are making arrangements for your time behind your back? Wtf?

TheMumsRush · 02/02/2014 14:09

Oh god op I feel for you I have the mini wife syndrome going on, I've already told dh about it. I wonder if it's only dsd's that do this? Do dd do this to dads when they are still living together and mum and dad are still together?

sarahquilt · 02/02/2014 18:44

That sounds so weird - not a normal father - daughter relationship!

Loveineveryspoonful · 03/02/2014 05:37

Themumsrush, I have myself wondered about your query regarding dds and their dads when the men are still in the original setup.
Dh once told me that his marriage was fine until the kids came along. The way he said it I was meant to think the exw began ignoring him and just hovered over the kids. Only when I first saw dhs office it was a shrine to dsd... (He has a ds too, btw).
I think its fair to say that after nearly 5 years together, it is always the parent who uses the child for emotional needs and the child will comply. Its so much easier (for a mamas boy) to get unconditional love from an offspring then pulling your act together in an adult relationship.
We've been in couple counseling for over a year, the problem is still the same. Dh indulges dsd, she treats him like she's the wife (without the demands) and turns on me at any given opportunity for coming between them. She'll be 17 soon.
I've told him I lack the capacity for putting up with this shit and am ready to walk. Atm he still believes me, but the coming eow might tell a different story.

fubar74 · 03/02/2014 10:04

That was the first thing I got straight with my DH (DP) at the time we moved in together, "they are your children and I am not her on call babysitter", this was when she started pressurising us to have them even when DH was working

Kaluki · 03/02/2014 10:36

Oh god the joys of the mini wife!!! I think you have it spot on loveineveryspoonful about mummys boys finding it easier to have the unconditional love of a child than making an effort with a partner. Or in my DPs case he allowed his DD to control him like his Mum, sister and ex wife all have all his life. I nipped it in the bud from day one and I would have ended the relationship there and then if DP hadn't put a stop to it, but I think he could see for himself how unhealthy it was and I think she freaked him out a bit too.
As for the babysitting - how bloody dare they?

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