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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ex visiting SC in your house

18 replies

Libby10 · 01/02/2014 13:36

All SC are at university now. Last summer DP's ex moved away from the town where we live and SC grew up. She is only about 2 hours away by car or train.
Up until her move we used to have a strict 50:50 rota. Last holidays we ended up with the SC most of the time and they are all treating our home as their main home now.
SD has now said to DP that his ex has been saying that we should be making her feel more welcome to visit the SC at our home. I did agree with DP that SC could invite her in for a cup of tea / loo break when she drove over to pick them up / dropping but that's stretching the limits of my comfort levels as far as she is concerned.
Is anyone else is this situation?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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croquet · 01/02/2014 15:34

pahaha! NO WAY. They're lucky you still let them all live with you /stay when they're over 18. At that age I had to give my key back and make my way.
18 is the benchmark age when most step-parents imagine they will breathe a huge sigh of relief having finally been able to have a life beyond their husband's ex... the idea that she's now welcome in your home is like a final torture. Just say no. Will give these kids impetus to move on and get their own homes set up.

croquet · 01/02/2014 15:35

It's not even the kids asking it, it's the ex. Finally cut her loose. She's no longer relevant / important and you no longer have to cede to her demands. Just treat it like if any other ex was asking to come round: no way. Seriously I cannot believe this. I've heard a lot of exes do this when finally their power grip on the home of their ex-P is gone (as kids all adults).

JoinYourPlayfellows · 01/02/2014 15:40

his ex has been saying that we should be making her feel more welcome to visit the SC at our home.

Maybe she should be making her children feel more welcome in her home?

Just because they have decided that their main family home is not with her doesn't mean she gets to invite herself to wherever it is they have decided to stay.

Does she also think she should be made more welcome to visit them at their college halls?

croquet · 01/02/2014 15:42

Yes - the point I was making is it's fine for you to be a little rude to her now, nothing rests on it. The DSCs are grown. You can say no to having any of your DHs exs in your house!

Original poster

Libby10 · 01/02/2014 16:28

Thanks - I must admit that in my head I always had uni as a sort of cut-off point when we wouldn't have to deal with her any more and have been a bit shocked to find out that's not the case.
I'm happy to say no to her. DP finds it harder and I do understand that there will be family occasions when we need all be civil to each other but can't ever imagine getting to the point where I'd be happy for her to drop in and see the SC when they were at ours.

OP posts:

croquet · 01/02/2014 19:34

she's trying it on! Seriously, tell her where to go (politely)

Philoslothy · 01/02/2014 19:41

Ideally the mother of your husband's children should be welcome into your house. I didn't breathe a sigh of relief when my SS turned 18 either.

Onesleeptillwembley · 01/02/2014 20:01

Wow. You'd kick them out at 18? That's awful.

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot · 01/02/2014 20:14

Cup of tea or a loo break sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Anything more is unnecessary if you're not happy with it.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 01/02/2014 21:13

Ideally the mother of your husband's children should be welcome into your house.

Well presumably the relationship isn't ideal, or after all these years it would come naturally for her to be welcome.

But the non-ideal reality is that she's not welcome, so she needs to suck it up and arrange to see her children at her own home.

daisychain01 · 01/02/2014 22:13

My DHs Ex wouldn't step inside our home if it were the last place on earth (world's longest sulk) so thankfully we wont have to face that problem.

As regards DSS, he will always have a home with us and another home with his mum, there wont be any age defined cut off point. But I could understand why some SPs want there to be - I have read some very sad stories on here of appalling behaviour, so why should someone have to prolong things and extend hospitality into their own home, against their will just because they are a parent of the DSCs. Thats a very big ask, IMO.

croquet · 01/02/2014 22:35

Sorry - it was me who mentioned 18 as a cut off point and only in reference to my own growing up. I think I gave my key back at 18 and moved out for good, only returning as a proper guest (when it was convenient). I was just trying to say they're very lucky securely coming back to yours every hol as it is, and that other families would expect them to be more grown up and host their mother at their own place.

Nothing about step-parenting particularly.

Philoslothy · 01/02/2014 22:39

They should if it because they are a step parent daisy chain . The child never chose you to be their step parent , the step parent did make the choice.

Original poster

Libby10 · 02/02/2014 10:02

In our case the relationship has always been far from ideal which is why I would be reluctant to let DP's ex into our home and feel it is very unfair on her to even suggest it.
As far as the 18 year cut-off date went it was more an assumption on my part that once the SC had 'left home' to go to uni they would be responsible for making their own arrangements to see their mother and that we didn't need to be involved in that.
The SC all know that they can stay with us in the hols and usually spend the odd weekend with us too. Now they are grown up I really don't see why we should have to facilitate any times they spend with their mother.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 02/02/2014 11:02

I don't think you have any responsibility to facilitate contact at that age - though a toilet stop or cup of tea is civilised for anyone who's driven over to pick up someone in your household

But I guess what she's asking is if she can be treated the same way you might treat friends of your DSC - presumably they can invite friends round more or less as they like as long as they check with you first? I do think it depends how you get on with the ex though - she is also your DPs ex-partner as well as the DSC's mum. If there's tension and awkwardness about the relationship then she shouldn't be expecting to use your house as a base to spend time with the DSC. She can either invite them over to hers, or come up and take them out somewhere for a bit.

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/02/2014 06:52

Ideally the mother of your husband's children should be welcome into your house. I didn't breathe a sigh of relief when my SS turned 18 either.

Why is this an ideal?

I have no beef with the mother of my DSD but I don't want her in my house. At all. Ever.

ElenorRigby · 03/02/2014 07:27

Stuff that, no way.

She can see the kids at her place or at a local pub, coffee shop if she's in your area. Bloody cheek.

Hell would freeze over before I let the ex near never mine in my house.

Kaluki · 03/02/2014 11:11

Like most things it depends on the individual doesn't it.
My ex comes into my house to see my dc and DP doesn't mind a bit. In fact I came home from work the other day to find my ex and my DP having a cup of tea and a chat before ex took the kids off out for dinner. I have always felt that it is my dcs home and they are entitled to invite their dad in - but he is a nice guy and respects me and DP.
However - hell will freeze over before I let DPs ex over my threshold (for a wee or anything else) and DP would die before setting foot in hers.

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