Does the relationship change with your disc as they get older?

[Trumski]

Hi everyone,
I've posted a few times but not on this board.

I've been with DH for 6 years, married just over 2. Dss is 13 and dsd is 10. We have no dcs ourselves, TTC for 18 months and 2 losses :(

As they get older I'm finding myself worrying that our relationship will change for the worse. We've always got on well, they're good kids. I sometimes find maintaining that happy go lucky attitude when they're here simply because DH worships his dd even though she is a mouthy little cow sometimes and I find it very hard to relate to dss simply because my only experience of teenage boys was when I was a teenage girl!

For those who have known their step kids from a young age, does your relationship change and how? I feel like I'm counting down to the day they start being rude and screaming 'you're not my mother' etc.

I also wonder how their relationship with DH will change and whether it will affect our marriage?

I suppose I'm just after any experiences from others.

Oh fgs, I find it hard maintaining.

On iPhone!

Jesus. Obviously not the relationship with your disc!! I'm rubbish at this!

Well I don't have DSC but am one. I had a great relationship with my DSM (from my p.o.v. at least) when she first came on the scene when I was 8, then slightly less so when she had her own kids during my teens. Nothing bad, no fights, but my DSis and I always had the impression that we were intruding upon 'her' family. Then, oddly, during my 20s we had a couple of strange fights which seemed to me to be coming from nowhere - me a bit, but even more so with my sister. But now in my 30s, since I've had my own daughter, I feel like we're getting on better than ever. My daughter calls her 'nana' (I suggested I would be pleased if she would like to be Nana, but it was totally up to her what she would like to be, and she chose Nana). And it's very nice. So from my experience the relationship does change, but not necessarily for the worse!

From what ive seen on these posts, it seems like the relationship changes as dcs get older. They obviously get their own lives and don't want to stay at the nrp (usually their dad) less often.

I have known my stepchildren for 10 years now my eldest DSD is 24 then 23, 19 and DSS of 15 our relationship has changed many times for many reasons not solely for their ages but for big events such as when we told them I was pg with DS and then DD as well as getting married and other things. I think if you already have a good relationship you will be able to work through the teenage years

I think your relationshipswith your own kids change as they get older so it certainly will with dsc too.
I think it's important to instill the basic values and boundaries while they are young so there's more chance of them respecting them when they are older.
I'm hoping that things get easier as they get older but I think I may be deluded on that front

I've only known my DSC for 3.5 years, though in that time 3 of them have entered their teens, and oldest is now 16. It has changed, but not all for the worse. I think actually that my relationship with my own DS (14) has changed much more - he seems quite distant from me sometimes, and in his own world, which is hard to get used to when I remember so clearly him being my precious little boy. As the DSC weren't ever really my "babies" I think I find their growing up easier.

Teens are different to younger children - though ours are all so different it's hard to generalise. DSD1 is hugely independent and young-woman-like most of the time, then every so often does something that reminds you with a jolt that she's kind of still a child. DSC2 and 3 are still finding their way in independence really - much less independent than my own DS, but it can be lovely when they do accomplish things for themselves - felt v proud of DSD (a very young 13) recently when she succeeded - with my encouragement - in catching a bus into town and meeting friends for the first time. DP - as her dad - finds it harder to let go, so being a step parent can be quite a nice role in helping them grow up.

We do have a good relationship. As much as they annoy me sometimes! but then, thats true of most people.
I enjoy being the person who teaches them things. They cook with me and I will sit and read with them or tell them little facts etc. They always believe me too, even when I told DSD that fairies exist about a year ago (the look on her face was priceless as she said 'REALLY??!!!') I almost dont want to lose that innocence. As they get older they might decide they hate me. I suppose I am worrying needlessly, the only way I will know whats going to happen is by just getting on and doing it.

Ours got easier because over the years dsd has got wise to her mothers evil ways and doesnt blindly believe that I am some kind of Disney wicked stepmother anymore.

Also, now she is older I don't have to parent her/ discipline her etc. like I had to when she was little so there's less resistance. Plus, I've "detached"

Hi Trumski, no crystal ball here, but just from my own experience of being DSM to my DSS, I have found a couple of things really strengthen my relationship from aged 8 to now age 16 is to recognise and respect growing maturity, eg when DSS makes a comment or suggestion, I take it on board, discuss it and give him credit for what he has said. Its amazing the things they learn from school, friends etc, that they will come out with, even if I know the info I will respond as if he is teaching me something (sometimes if it is definitely incorrect or I feel he ought to see another pov, I try to do it in a way thats not Im right you aren't iyswim.)

Also I may suggest he washes hair, change out of wet socks but just the once, then let him decide. Over time he realises some of what daisychain says isnt complete crap!

Its a very gradual process and requires a lot of patience...