so bored of eggshells

[peppermint3]

Hello - sorry, first post and straight on to mini rant... less about SK's, but the the BM. Eggshells, loads of them - seems we always have to walk on them with DH's ex, no matter how annoying or manipulative she may be for fear she may "really blow up and make our lives miserable". Any tips for not letting her cr*p drag you down? and for your DH to feel he can set stronger boundaries with limited fall-out?

Just dont panda to her, if she blows up, detach detach. You can't control how she reacts but you can't live like that either so no point keeping her happy if you are not, might a swell keep yourselves happy. Sorry, no more advice other than that really. Just so you know, I see this is your first post. On this board the dsc's mum is reformed to as just that. Their mum. Only saying this so you don't get flamed in the future

Stupid auto correct

Ohhhh peppermint, I feel your pain......

Not sure I'm the best one to advise as the "fallout" in my DH case has been extreme, but from experience of my own Ex I'd say that the more accommodating your DP is, the more demanding his ex will become.

My ex and I get on fine as long as I enforce boundaries. It took a while - 4 years and several mediators, but eventually the penny dropped.

Even now, I can't afford to be flexible - if I agree an extra o/n to accommodate some special event he's planned and wants DD to be the guest of honour, then a few weeks later, he asks for an extra two weeks because he wants to rearrange a holiday so his uncles girlfriends cat can go with them. I'd rather take the flak of saying no to an extra o/n then deal with the drama of saying no to the holiday. At least now he's stopped telling DD what she's missing out on because I'm mean!

I didn't see it at first - it was my DP who pointed it out, so if this how your DPs ex behaves, it's worth you keeping a record and then discussing/highlighting it to him once you can clearly show him the pattern.

Frog, do you mean he asks to have her for two weeks to take on holiday? Sorry if I've got that wrong

No, I'm not that much of a bitch!

my ex has, several times in the past, demanded to have a extra weeks (in addition to the 50:50 arrangement care arrangement we have which includes 2 week blocks for long holidays) with some convoluted explanation about how some vaguely distant relative that DD doesn't know will be visiting from abroad and so he has arranged to travel to a far flung corner of the UK where they'll be staying and wants to take DD with him (or similarly tenuous necessity).

My DH pointed out that these more extreme requests from my ex always came after I had agreed to something a lot more reasonable, like changing handover day one week so they can go away for the weekend - my ex takes my agreement to a reasonable request as a green-light to expect the unreasonable!

No I didn't think you were,

I didn't realise you have a 50:50 arrangement and I now see that that would mean you wouldn't see dd for a very long time.

Thanks so much guys - it's good to know not alone in the bonkers ex stakes! She's either a complete nutter, does the totally vulnerable/poor me thing or like saccharine towards me. All a bit unsettling :) I draw the line at popping by our house to "drop something off" (not not DSD!) unannounced - urgh. FrogStarandRoses she has also just tried to change around dates in her favour via me not my DH. But insists we take DSD to weekend activity club because she is unable to, on the days she has her. Oh Joy. Thank god for red wine :)

I too feel your pain. In fact had a mini melt down this eve as I'm fed up with being dictated to because one persons belief of entitlement, fed up with dsc blaming Dh for everything because of ex and her loose lips and manipulative behaviour towards her own child.
Turned into a semi coherent rant. Apologies..

After years of similar I think my best advice would be to lock everything down in a written document and finish it off with something along the lines of 'all parties remain committed to stick the above wherever possible with the best interests of X in mind'.

My DH has a very clear contact calendar (try using co-families free app (google it) which both parents can access) and parenting agreement which was agreed after much deliberation. He refuses to deviate it from it. The more he refuses, the less she asks. Obv there has to be some degree of flexibility but not as much as his ex would like.

Like the mums rush says, don't pander to her.

Georgia82, your predicament sounds all too familiar to me, hugs honey

Boundaries, minimal contact and no favours for this type of parent. One favour will become 10 big ones and then you guys will be the arses for saying 'no' and being inflexible! You cannot win, so stop trying is my advice!