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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU about DSS illness?

36 replies

chocoholic21 · 27/01/2014 13:21

DP and I have been having a few problems recently and I'm really not sure if I am BU so would appreciate some outside views.

I have a DD (4) who lives with us most of the time. She's meant to go to her dads EOW but more often than not he is too busy. DP has a DS (7) who stays EOW.

DD and DSS can get on really well but sometimes don't mainly due to DP's Disney parenting.

I had lots planned this weekend and told him what I wanted to do with DD, asked him if he had plans or if he wanted to join in some of ours. He wanted to join in some, so we adapted them to suit all the DC and others he didn't want to. All fine.

DSS turned up and DD asked if he wanted to play something and he said no. Fine-she played on her own. Later she asked him something else and he got cross and said to leave him alone as he was ill. He said he hadn't been to school that day and needed medicine. DP and I were both in the kitchen and I said is that right? He said yes but he was fine now. I was a bit annoyed as I think he should have said something to me. DD has not been well recently with various things and I am very careful about keeping her healthy so as not to make things worse for her. DP knows this, but assured me he was absolutely fine. I took the chance to reiterate that if like to know if any of the DSC are not well so I can make decisions/change plans to protect DD. He said of course.

The next day we do separate things and when we meet up when we get home I see some calpol on the side. I ask why it's out and DP said he bought it while he was out as DSS looked a but peaky. I said he seemed fine which was good as DD and DSS needed to share a room that night and we'd have to squeeze them in another way otherwise. He said yes and then walked out of the room. All ok....DCs all went to bed. I was tidying up in the kitchen and went to put the calpol away and found the spoon inside all sticky and the bottle open, which means DP did give some to DSS!

He confronted him about it and he said it wasn't a big deal, just a cold and he knew if over react and didn't want the fuss (his plan obviously didn't work as he's got more than a fuss now) I was so cross and said that I have a right to know what's going on in my house so I can protect my DD.

I know it might seem like a small things but if he can't even say something like that to me, what does that mean? I'm so cross and disappointed and I'm not sure how to tackle it now to avoid anything else like this happening again. Or do you think IABU and over reacting? Sorry it's so long.....

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Dogonabeanbag · 27/01/2014 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMumsRush · 27/01/2014 13:30

Did he say he hadn't actually given ds any calpol? I can understand you being upset if he was lying to you. We have our dsc eow, ill or not. We have our own ds (12m) but I'd never say they can't come due to illness, that would only happen if their mum said the 1hr journey would be to much for them. In a "normal" family siblings are around each other even if one is ill.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 27/01/2014 13:33

I'm not quite sure what to make of this.

What did you want your dp to do?

It sounds very strange that your dp can't/won't admit to giving his unwell child some calpol incase you over react.

Do You often over react about things op?

This post seems all about you and your dd and not about the poor child who is feeling unwell.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 27/01/2014 13:34

YABtotallyU.

If DS was your son, would you go to great lengths to keep hom away so as to 'protect your DD'? Or would you do what every fucker else does and accept that colds / flu etc are part and parcel of normal family life?

Original poster

chocoholic21 · 27/01/2014 14:03

Thanks for your replies.

I really don't over react about things. DD has been very ill and her doctor has advised to keep her away from illness. She has had to stop going to school because of this. Sorry I didn't make that clear.

I really think DP has lied. In my opinion if DSS did just have a cold he should have been at school and shouldn't really have needed calpol, but if his parents thought he was ill enough to not go to school and need calpol then I should have been told. I don't expect him to run everything by me, but to me this was important. If he had left it at saying nothing when he knew he had been off school I would have been cross but it seems he went a step further in hiding the calpol and lying about having given it to him.

I would never have said DSS could not have come over but would have gone with DD to my parents for the weekend. Deep down I think the this is the reason DP didn't say anything-because he does not like spending the whole weekend alone with DSC and doesn't know what to do with them.

OP posts:

Dogonabeanbag · 27/01/2014 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kaluki · 27/01/2014 15:05

Do you think your DH was over reacting? My DP will dole out the cal pol at the drop of a hat and DSD loves it so she often says she feels ill to get some and DP gives in to her?
Did DSS seem genuinely ill to you or was he just a bit peeky?
Either way your DHs should have told you so you could have made the decision to stay or go elsewhere.

nocontactforevermore · 27/01/2014 15:08

You're massively over reacting. In fact it's strange. Sorry but it is.

NatashaBee · 27/01/2014 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 27/01/2014 15:16

nocontactforevermore I couldn't agree more, I found it strange in the op and after the update I still feel the same.

catsmother · 27/01/2014 15:17

I'd have probably said you were worrying too much - but then I read your later post about your DD being very ill, which I think puts a very different slant on things. You don't need to tell us the ins and outs but if a GP has advised she must be kept away from "illness" - and if that includes colds - then of course your DH should have been upfront with you about it, i.e. if he was concerned enough to treat whatever he thought was wrong with his son then he should have discussed it with you so you could make an informed decision about what the best thing to do re: DD was.

If it is a case of him not wanting to take care of his own child(ren) all on his lonesome then that's very selfish and he needs a boot up the arse for potentially putting DD at risk (based on what you said about the doctor).

Petal02 · 27/01/2014 15:20

Or could this possibly be a case of the DSS having been genuinely ill, but the DP didn't say anything because he feared the OP may have suggested access waits til he's better, just in case he made her DD ill?

Petal02 · 27/01/2014 15:22

Sorry, I hadn't read Catsmother's post when I pressed send.

Thumbwitch · 27/01/2014 15:24

So - your DD has been very ill and is not supposed to be in contact with other bugs where possible.
Your DP has allowed his unwell DS into the house, despite him being unwell and therefore possibly putting your DD at risk
He has lied to you (by omission initially) about DS being ill, and hidden from you that DS has needed medicine (even if it's just Calpol).

Which bit is pissing you off the most? Would you have said to your DP that his Ds must stay away to safeguard your DD? Or would you have just kept them apart while he was staying?

I can understand you being pissed off about your DP lying, that's never a good thing and fucks up trust between you; but WOULD you have said his DS couldn't come if it might have affected your DD?

Thumbwitch · 27/01/2014 15:26

Sorry, after "Which bit is pissing you off the most?" I meant to add "the lying, or the potential risk to your DD?"

CheeseandGherkins · 27/01/2014 15:29

What if it was your own child that was ill? Would you have wanted them living elsewhere until they were better? My dh has a suppressed immune system and we have no choice other than for him to be around the kids when he's ill. 5 kids, he's step dad to my 3 and 2 together.

SparkleSoiree · 27/01/2014 15:31

The impression I get is that your partner felt you may get upset if you thought your DSS was ill and didn't want to make a big deal of it. Yet I am assuming he realises how serious the situation is with your DD if you are trying to protect her from other illness? Is he is fully informed and understanding of the situation?

My stepchildren have never had visits here cancelled due to illness, and sometimes it got passed on to my children and other times it didn't. It's part and parcel of being in any family really. So whilst your concern for your DD is understandable I think you both need to work out a longer term plan for how illness in your stepson will be managed if you are not happy for your daughter to be in his company when he is under the weather. I don't think it's fair for him not to visit his dad if he is unwell if both parents agree he should still visit.

Petal02 · 27/01/2014 15:34

So if the DD has been very unwell, and should be protected (as far as possible) from illness, then it’s VERY selfish of the DP to hide DSS’s illness, just to ensure access takes place.

I fully understand that in a bio household, siblings all mix with each other regardless of illness. But in a step family, when the two households do provide a degree of control over who mixes with who, you have a natural quarantine situation should you choose to use it. And I can’t imagine that utilising this quarantine occasionally is going to cause any lasting psychological damage to a step child.

However sadly I’m not surprised to hear of a father who will risk the health of another child, just to ensure access takes place. DSS once had something horribly contagious, and whilst there are no children in our household, even the ex suggested that access should be postponed til he was better, but DH insisted that contact took place. And tried to cover everything up, til DSS casually mentioned what he’d been suffering from.

There was a very sad thread on here a few years ago, about a little girl having aggressive chemo, having to endure visits from her two step brothers who both had chicken pox.

TheMumsRush · 27/01/2014 15:37

Oh petal that's so sad about that little girl

LaurieFairyCake · 27/01/2014 15:39

How long is your child to be kept away from school ?

If it's that serious then yes you need to keep her entirely sequestered and not taking her out!

Never mind not having your sick step kid around - if your child is that compromised then surely you can't go out?

If she can go out then you're being daft - as we come into contact with more than 12 0 variations of the common cold while outside every day .

So either your kids not sick and you're overreacting.

Or your kid is sick and you're not looking after her properly.

So which is it?

Original poster

chocoholic21 · 27/01/2014 16:54

As I said earlier, I would never for a minute have suggested that DP could not see DSS. I would have either gone with DD to my parents for he weekend so DSS could have stayed here with DP as usual, or DP could have arranged to go to his parents for the weekend with DSS.

I didnt want to give too much away but underestimated how much detail was needed to get the whole story across. DD is currently off school and meant to avoid public places. At the moment we are just staying at home and visiting my parents for a change of scene- they live 5 minutes away and are on board with all the procedures I need to follow to look after DD. I am doing my best to look after her properly and would never do anything to compromise her health.

I think I am most annoyed about DP lying, and to me it seems it is because he didn't want to spend the weekend with DSC alone or go to his parents, which I think is selfish.

I will certainly be having a talk later with him about what needs to happen in the future, and hopefully we will be able to come up with a plan.

Thank you for your responses.

OP posts:

TheMumsRush · 27/01/2014 17:07

Good luck op, Hope your dd's health improves soon

lunar1 · 27/01/2014 18:29

Had you made it clear to your dh that you would just go to your parents if ds was I'll? If you had then what he has done is horrible.

Could he have thought you would want to stop access over it? If so I'd be a bit more sympathetic to him but not much.

I hope your dd is on the mend.

nocontactforevermore · 27/01/2014 18:47

Choco that changes everything - your DP was wrong to put her (and you) in that situation.

Petal02 · 27/01/2014 19:14

But it still seems silly that the resident daughter should have to de-camp elsewhere for a few days to accommodate an ill visitor? Would it just not be easier if DSS stayed at his mum's til he was better, and then make up the 'lost' access time a few days later? I'll never understand the'access at any price' mindset.

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