DH burying his head in the sand as our relationship is in tatters

[fubar74]

We used to be able to talk about everything, anything, we used to be on the same page, now after DSS came back, we are anything but, even on issues unrelated to DSS.

His defensiveness and over-protectiveness has destroyed us, I now feel that I have lost the war as well as the battle. I am scared to say anything about anything anymore.

I asked him to make sure next time he makes a decision that affects me or my home or my children, to 'discuss' it with me first and make sure the circumstances can be accommodated, but he got angry and said he shouldn't have to ask my permission to have his son at our house when I said I hadn't 'barred' him, but it wasn't just a visit, this was much more.

Basically his son and pregnant GF (both 16/17-yes he got her pregnant!) jumped college cos she had morning sickness even though she lives with her parents, they wanted to come over and hole themselves up in our living room, unfortunately I had been ill that morning myself (doesn't happen very often) and was planning on coming home and having a duvet afternoon after work, which obviously I couldn't do and had to make other arangements to go out, DH expected and assumed that I would be in the utility 'working all day' and just agreed to it.

The argument that ensued was due to the fact that all I wanted was to be consulted FIRST, is this unreasonable?

After telling DH many times that all I wanted was situations discussed first he still couldn't tell what I needed him to do, which was "talk to me first"....

now he is basically saying that I am only saying that because I hate his son, and he is cutting me out of the equation all together, now we are practically not speaking at all and I feel so lonely in this.

I was on the other hand was angry that yet again he didn't do what a parent should do and tell him no, you should go to college and she should go home if she's unwell.

Is this an unreasonable expectation?

It's not about "telling" him what to do - the stupid, ignorant, arrogant man. It's about showing some respect and courtesy towards his wife - you know, that other adult in the house, whose home it also is, who also contributes to the household and who also has feelings and opinions.

If he'd asked up front about a prospective DSS visit that's different - and I could understand him being put out if you said no without a good reason. But on this particular occasion, he was in effect bunking off school (college is the same thing IMO given the ages) and his dad shouldn't have been condoning that - regardless of the whole "it's his home too" thing. Of course his dad should have told him to go to college - and of course the girlfriend should have gone home. Added to which you weren't feeling well and didn't want to be disturbed so had every right to object - even if it were a normal working from home day for you I wouldn't want to play host to a couple of teens who should have been studying.

How would he feel if you just invited your mum or your cousin or whoever over when he thought he'd have the house to himself, and you hadn't consulted him beforehand ? I bet he wouldn't like it one bit.

How hard is it to show a bit of courtesy ? ..... I admit that when "unexpected" SKs' visits have occurred at the last minute - when I'd already been looking forward to a relaxing weekend say, that I haven't been best pleased. But if DP "asks" me - even though it's a question with only one acceptable answer - I can't really complain. It's just about keeping you in the loop and giving you the opportunity to express an opinion - for example, in case there's something difficult about an arrangement that he hasn't thought of or remembered - because you're an equal.

If I was in your shoes, I'd most certainly have objected because I'd have expected my DP NOT to encourage (any more) teenage irresponsibility by providing them with a crash pad for the day. I'd have expected him to impress upon his son how vital it now is for him to work as hard as he bloody can at his studies to give him the best possible opportunity of good qualifications and a decent job as he'll have a baby to support etc etc. If the GF was feeling that ill, surely she'd have just wanted to be at home, on her own anyway.

To say he's now "cutting you out of the equation" - presumably, doing whatever the hell he wants, is contemptuous. You deserve better than that ...... dare I say it, you may well be better off out of it all anyway before you're also potentially facing being on call babysitters, paying for baby stuff and so on. I know that sounds a bit heartless - but he's not your son, you're not allowed to have an opinion - why should your life therefore be affected (and I suspect there's a big chance of that happening) by a pregnancy you (obviously) had nothing to do with.

I'm sorry he's being such an arse.

Its ok catsmother, I just needed to hear that I had it right and i wasn't being unreasonable, his son doesn't even live with us!

Hmmm I don't know really.... (I am remarried, dh is step dad to dd aged 11 and we have a toddler ds)..

To be honest I can understand your dh. Your son is about to become a dad. He wants to be there for his girlfriend who is suffering morning sickness and they are both very young. It's nice they want to support each other. Personally I would have let them spend the day at home (and it is as much your dss' home even if he normally lives with his mum) but obviously explain the importance of going into college the next day and making sure they knew it couldn't be a regular occurrence.

I wouldn't have felt the need to refer to my dh to make that decision or discuss it because it would be such a non issue in our house. Just like we don't discuss every parenting issue with each other.... just the massive ones!

I don't understand why you couldn't just go home and let them use his bedroom to hang out in and say to them you weren't well either and needed some peace and quiet. You didn't need to keep out because they were there!

At least that's my view on it all anyway.

OMG
You are absolutely 100% right and he is an irresponsible inconsiderable idiot.

OP, I’m so annoyed for you. I totally agree with Catsmother’s post. And it’s just another ridiculous example of a non-resident step child being put before the resident wife.

And as Catsmother points out, I doubt your DH would be too pleased if you’d allowed one of your relatives to use your home as a crash pad when your DH wanted to have the place to himself.

Whilst I agree this is primarily about respect and consideration, I think the other big issue (and something I come up against myself quite regularly) is “does a non-resident step child (particularly one who’s a young adult) need to visit their father’s home when he’s out”????? People can state “it’s his home too” til they’re blue in the face, but if he doesn’t’ actually live with you, then it isn’t. Very few people have ‘crash pad’ access to a house they don’t live in.

If your marriage is anything like mine – then your DH is normal, decent and shows you consideration with every other issue except for DSS. But if it’s you versus DSS, your needs will be trumped every single time.

I don’t think that our marriage got quite as critical as the way you describe yours (although DSS will be home from Uni for 3-4 months over the summer, and will no doubt want to use our house as a leisure facility if he gets bored …… ) but I know how horribly frustrating this is. You just want to have some control over what goes on in your own home, but your DH thinks your needs/wishes come second to that of his son. Talk about getting your priorities wrong. I do honestly think that sadly, quite a few men would actually let their wives go rather than say “no” to their children occasionally.

The “cutting you out the equation” comment is horrible. Although in reality you are already “out of the equation” if you’re not being consulted about DSS’s visits.

He doesn't have a bedroom here our home isn't big enough

If anyone is interested I have a history on here going back to about sept, it'll give you a bit more of an insight. Basically I'm fed up with him playing 'Best buddies' instead of the guiding father

I think I must be a lot more cynical than you Fairy. Having had a 17 year old son myself (who thankfully didn't get anyone pregnant!) he used every trick in the book to swerve 6th form .... had he had a pregnant GF I've no doubt he'd have used the idea of "supporting" her to get a day off school. I just don't see how much "support" you can give a woman (girl) who's suffering morning sickness. Personally, I just wanted to be left alone ..... attending scans etc with her is rather different, but it sounds to me like he was just looking for an excuse in this case. My cynicism also wonders why he couldn't have "supported" her at her house - where presumably she'd feel most at home and most comfortable - or even at his mother's house, where he actually lives ? Can't help thinking they went for the option where they'd get least hassle - about going into college - i.e. dad's house, where dad wasn't even going to be there to question any of it.

Anyway the whys and wherefores of DSS bunking off isn't the main point here - it's Fubar's DP's attitude towards her which is the shocker.

personally I don't think her mother knows of the pregnancy why else would she be happy to hole up I the house of someone she doesn't even know, I've never even met her yet

personally I don't think her mother knows of the pregnancy why else would she be happy to hole up I the house of someone she doesn't even know, I've never even met her yet

personally I don't think her mother knows of the pregnancy why else would she be happy to hole up I the house of someone she doesn't even know, I've never even met her yet

personally I don't think her mother knows of the pregnancy why else would she be happy to hole up I the house of someone she doesn't even know, I've never even met her yet