undermined?

[LynseyFaz]

just wondering what people think of this.....my 15 year old step-daughter intervening and telling my nearly 2 year old (her half-sister) that she will go in the hall if she carries on, she was wiping yoghurt on the tv! I said to leave it to me and my partner as we were both there at the time...my partner said the 15 year old was in there first and this is ok...he said this in front of me, so feel undermined....then he gets annoyed with me and thinks I'm wrong....I just think its parents job not hers. Don't mind her doing it a bit, like saying don't hit or whatever, but time out is last resort and up to us not a child!!!

Totally agree with you. My reaction to any of the kids in our family who attempt to lay down the law in a similar fashion - and it does happen - is to say "errr excuse me, we'll handle this thank you". It's absolutely not on for one child to determine the mode of punishment for another - regardless of the age gap.

And clearly your DP should NOT have undermined you. Even if he thought you were in the wrong to object - and I personally don't think you were - he should have raised that with you in private, away from SD. By "allowing" her to threaten a punishment, he's effectively raised her to parent status, i.e. equal with you. Which isn't on, at all.

he says she was helping me and really doesn't see what the problem was so I am on a hiding to nothing. He says she's nearly an adult, to which I said she's nearly but NOT. Thanks anyway.

p.s he also said as it's a mode of punishment we use anyway (which it is) it's not a problem...I still think it's up to us, she can help sometimes

Well. If it helps I have a 16 yr old ds so nothin to do with step anything.
He knows he can not set punishments for ds2 (4) but he can tell me and then I deal with it.
Its a blanket rule - however the lines are fuzzy if you allow dsd to tell off but not punish that's fine but either make the line in the sand clear, or allow it to be either/or and set clear rules, or blanket ban like I do, your choice.
It may help I suppose if she is to become a parent one day but IMO the blanket ban is easier to understand.
I ask ds1 if he would like it if ds2 was responsible for setting punishments for him
As for your dp. You both should speak to each other about disagreements away from the dc's.
If it helps, I set the ban because I don't think siblings should have any power of that type over each other. It can lead to other problems and one being that the younger or 'weaker' one won't feel able to come to you and say they feel picked on iyswim.
Good luck with this one, it needs to be nipped in the bud pretty quick

Yes, actually I don't like it when she tells her off at all, mainly as she does it quite loudly and when I think the behaviour should be ignored. I do tell her to leave it when she does it. My partner thinks my SD can't win as I want her to help sometimes...but that's to play with for 5 mins whilst I clean my teeth! I don't think it's her role to discipline at all really, but if it's just don't do that the occasional time it's not too bad, but deciding when she goes in the hall is too much. My partner still thinks she's nearly an adult and can join in so bit of a stalemate. He always thinks he's right, he's hard work. I told him last night that he treats her like too much of an equal and she's a child still (albeit not far off an adult), she can't even put her dirty knickers in the wash half the time so I get a bit riled when she's telling my daughter off!!!

This is a difficult one and I battle with my thoughts on it. I have 12,15 & 17 y/o DSC's and 2 y/o DS. DH works long and antisocial hours and DSC's live with us (I don't usually refer to them as 'steps' and I don't think that has anything to do with it).
My DSC's have always been very hands on with DS, I've encouraged them to help out and DSD1 now occasionally looks after him for a couple of hours if I need to go shopping something. I think that it's important that she feels that she can discipline him while I'm not there and I'm not sure I can ask her to stop doing that while I am here. The younger 2 just feel that as they are a lot older than DS and do generally help out quite a lot with him (their choice) it's what they should be doing.
To a certain extent I agree with this but there are times that they can be ott, to the extent that DS thinks the naughty step is a funny game! I have felt undermined before but I realise that that's only my view of it, not what is intended by anyone else. They just want to be grown up I think.
I've found that a quiet chat, telling them about what I think works with DS and what doesn't has worked well in stopping this a bit. EG, once I explained to 12 yo DSS that the best way to stop DS doing something he shouldn't would be for his big brother,( one of the people he admires most in the world) to completely ignore him, things have got better.

yes, I can see that in a way, but she doesn't look after her on her own yet, and we were there. I do feel undermined. It may not be intentional but think she needs putting in her place in lots of ways not just this,but her dad doesn't do it. It feels like I'm told off in front of her! Which makes me angry but he doesn't get it. Not sure howmuch more can take of this

She probably does it loudly for the same reason as most other kids

'Ohhhh LOOK what dsis/dbro is doINGGG'

Lol. Normal but feckin annoying.
Blanket ban then on any and all discipline.

And totally understand the 'ugh' on the dirty knickers .. One of the reasons I used to be 'pleased' about sc's not coming any more.
As it was my job to pick up.

she also lives with us full time by the way. I think I will just say 'I will deal with that' when I hear her lording it! she just talks loudly too! Ijust feel like 'who do you think you are, her mum?!' and look at how you are etc!

Oh Lynsey I really do get where you're coming from. I've been in that situation (not really with this issue though). I'm saying something thing to DSC's and then DH comes along and says that I'm wrong to say it. It's so frustrating, especially as he only sees us fior a couple of evenings a week & 1/2 a day at the weekend and I deal with all the day to day things.

Have you spoken to your DH, out of earshot of dsd about it? More in a general way I mean. Do you usually parent DSD together or does he tend to deal with her?

I think you need to be clear with her, what you want her to do if she sees your LO doing something wrong, so she knows what being helpful is.
If LO is wiping yoghurt on the TV, do you want SD to do nothing at all?
It's all very well telling her you don't want her to tell her sister off, but I'm sure you don't want her to ignore behaviour like that either.
It sounds like she is trying to be responsible and helpful, but she isn't a parent and doesn't know quite where she fits.
You and your DH need to agree things first, then talk to your SD together. Tell her you appreciate her trying to help and this is what you would like her to do which would be really helpful.

Thanks for the advice everyone...I told her I would deal with it when she intervened before...and she stomped off to her room and said she was only trying to help...I said she is your sister it's your role to play with her not tell her off..and my partner backed me up this time (I spoke to him this am)...but now I feel guilty...your right mostwicked though as she probably doesn't know what helping I mean...I mean watching her when I am trying to get ready for work,or passing me something to save me going up and down stairs millions of times, but when I would appreciate her help at these times, she is preening doing her eyeliner for school (and doesn't hear her or has no time to help - she would if she got a little bit of a move on!!! I suppose want her to offer to help and I can then tell her what would be helpful, rather than undermining me...I don't know!! She just seems to be telling her off lot, and at the same time that I am, and it isn't needed I don't think. I did say she didn't need telling off from both of us as I was there.

p.s sorry don't know all these abbreviations!!!

just tried to explain what I want her to help with (we do morealless parent together but he takes the lead I would say, but is too soft, hence get probs) she is quite rude and dismissive at times. Will see what happens My partner was telling her the same thing I think ( I overheard a bit as I was still downstairs....and heard her say 'you've changed your tune' cos yesterday he told her it was ok!! She will be confused.com!! Hopefully will iron itself out. I just didn't want it going to far down that road with her thinking she's like a second mum. Hard work!

I suppose want her to offer to help and I can then tell her what would be helpful, rather than undermining me...I don't know!!

That's the key. If you don't know quite what you want from her, and you want her to help, but not too much, and only use her initiative if she gets it right, then it's going to be impossible for her to live up to those expectations.
Sounds like there's quite a bit of confusion to iron out.
It's a tricky dynamic for everyone.

I think it's I want her to help, but not with the disciplining...can help with practical things, and playing with her, but not telling off on a regular basis. That's what I told her really, so think it is a bit clearer!