It's like Groundhog Day - how the hell do I get my point across? Want to scream!

[Lostlou]

I posted last week about 'in mental anguish' and got some great responses from you.

And a week later it starts all over again... after the debacle of 'date night' last week, on Sunday I did the usual routine of sit down in the evening, write a meal planner for the week, including a shopping list (I shop online - it's easier for most stuff). Whilst doing this I ask DP when he would like DSD to be here - to ensure more appropriate child-friendly meal on the given day, and just as importantly to me, IF WE CAN DO DATE NIGHT PLEASE?!?!

So he chooses, and picks date night as Saturday, I chose a more 'adult' meal for the two of us and confirm this is OK and say 'just in case we choose to stay in instead of going out say to the cinema or for food'....

DP has entirely flexible access arrangements with BM so it differs from week to week. Then only this bloody morning he says 'how about DSD comes over Sat afternoon so she can stay over and we can have her Sun too and she'll stay with us and go to school on Mon'.

I responded with an (admittedly rather sharp) 'I thought Sat was our date night - we won't be able to go out if we do that'. I tried to explain why it was important to me but he doesn't get it. I've tried telling him that I need to feel like 'us' matters, I've tried to explain that I feel shoved to one side and expressed my hurt that he just didn't even seem to remember we had this night set aside. He doesn't see 'why you're being so sensitive about it'.

I'm at a loss as to what to say next. Anything I say just seems to sound petulant and childish...

It's very sad. I'm not trying to stop him seeing DSD, just honouring our relationship in something that matters (to me only, it seems)....

It also comes across to me as being a bit rich as DSD was ill on Sun night and off school on Mon so DP had to stay at home with her and she was supposed to be with us on Mon night but as she was ill, DP decided 'as I've got to go to work tomorrow I've got meetings she'd be better of if BM picks her up tonight and looks after her tomorrow'

So he's fine not seeing her on an already arranged access evening as it would be inconvenient for work, but gets irritated when he wants to swap date night at 24hrs notice and I 'kick up a fuss'.

Have any of you actually managed to sit down with your DP and say something that actually works when this happens?!?!

She's coming Saturday afternoon
So go out Friday night & have a lie in together Saturday morning
Don't be picky for picky's sake !

No.

I've managed to sit down and talk to her loads of times, some times even managing to get passed the denial and dismissal responses.

Have I managed to change anything? No.

Could you make your point by having date night on a different night, put candles on the table, dress up etc and then dine alone?

I'm almost positive that wont go unnoticed and then it's your opportunity to say you put the effort in because its important to you.

Pussycat dol - we can't go out tonight (Friday) because he'll be doing other stuff til prob nearly 9pm and out early tomorrow so 7am alarm, otherwise I would have swapped.

What's most annoying is that he chooses the night and then changes at the last minute...

I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

If he hasn't got time to commit to his partner, then he shouldn't be in a relationship.

I'd be blunt. Tell him that you want more from your relationship than being fitted in when he's got nothing better to do.

It doesn't matter whether he agrees or not, whether he thinks you are being too sensitive or just can't understand your feelings - what he needs to understand is that continually being the backup option is not working for you and that to respect and love a partner you need to feel as if you are a priority in his life.

This might be a deal breaker - I know some men (like my exH) will drop plans with their partner if a better offer comes along, but perhaps more common, there are some NRDads who will drop everything (partner, mates, hobbies, chores) in favour of their DCs. I remember your last post; it sounds like your DP is happy to put his hobby ahead of his DD, but not you?

I don't think is a step issue as much as a negligent DP issue. From your posts it is not his DD that he drops you for - it is everything else.

The ONLY way this will ever stop (if ever) is if you stop being available. Why don't you just go out tonight on your own or tomorrow night. Go meet up with a friend or take yourself off to cinema on your own. If you can't face that go to somewhere with a cafe and have a few drinks and read a magazine or a book.

Once you stop being so readily available or he thinks that you have your own life and interests away from him then he may well wise up or alternatively you may decide there is more to life than waiting for him to notice you count.

I don't think he is going to change.
You don't figure at all in his weekend (or his life for that matter) Tonight is for mates or hobby or whatever tomorrow, Sunday and Monday night are for his dd.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship???

I understand where your coming from OP. thing is, he see's it as spending time with the child he doesn't see as much, and he feels like he see's you all week. however, date night is important to every couple. the problem with being the nrp is that you aren't going to get a babysitter for the DC like you would DC who lived with you full time, as it feels like your giving that time you have with DC to someone else. that's what its like in our house anyway!

Thank you all! Things have been (a little) better. He decided against DD coming on Sat and has just gone to fetch her now.

On Sat we were going out on the date night, but then after a race he'd done (I was supporting as pit crew - very cold and wet but great camaraderie in the pits) the rest of his team were off to a pub. So I agreed that we could go there - I actually get on with all of them and was quite happy to do it rather than just us.

On the way home we discussed how it had been fun and he said, unprompted, 'thanks for doing that - perhaps we can go out together Mon night just the two of us to make up for it instead'....

There is hope! I'm not giving up on this (ExDH would say I'm far too bloody stubborn) ;-)

Just... one... small... step... at... a... time...

Here's to a restful (!) Sunday afternoon and evening for all of us x