Feel like its an impossible situation with my DSD

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My DP is devastated that for the second time in the last year his DD is refusing to come and visit and she's saying it's because of me. We have been together for 3 1/2 years and both have two children from our previous marriages a DD & DS each at the same ages.

The relationship between myself and my DSD has always been strained but I'm heartbroken that only a few weeks after Christmas where I made such a special effort that she is refusing to visit us. There have been some issues which her dad has raised with her for quite a while the most serious being hygiene - when she arrives at our home she is extremely smelly and it is obvious that she has not washed for sometime. We have tried to talk with her gently about it as we are concerned that she will be picked on at school (she is now in high school). Whenever we mention it though she becomes very sullen and stays in her bedroom all day not talking to anyone. If I walk into a room she walks out of it and never engages in conversation with me at all. My relationship with my DSS is great and we have none of the problems that we have with her. My DP is now heartbroken and feels that he will have to make a choice between me and her and I know that this can only go one way. I don't want him to make a choice between us that is just completely wrong but to be honest I really am starting to dislike her now. Sorry if this sounds completely horrid but it's the truth.

x

It doesn't sound horrid. It's sad and it's also sad for you too, as you sound like you have her best interests at heart and the best interests of your family unit.

The thing is and honestly I'm no expert, I'm learning all the time and mostly I've learnt so much from the mumsnet group and so relieved I found them.... but also books like Divorce Poison and Stepparent Parachute? I think. They give alot of great advice (that I'm working on!?!) and give perspective to the feelings of stepparents. When you can forgive yourself your negative thoughts, it does free up a little thinking time. Your feelings are totally natural, when you feel unwanted/exluded and you feel your relationship is dependent on a child, it is heartbreaking especially when your intentions are nothing but good.

It probably needs some direct dialogue between your dp and his dd. Any sensitive issues should really just be raised by him probably anyway. He will need to listen and fish a little if there's no answers. Do you know anything regarding any hostility/alienation regarding the dd's mom? Would she be supportive of you guys efforts to get to the bottom of the problem?

It's very reasonable IMO, to eventually step away from any situation where you try repeatedly to achieve something! only to be "told" to "sod off!" which is what your sd is saying to you, by her behaviour. I would say, let dad sort this with some gentle discussion and involve her mum, if you can to really see what this is all about. I would say, she's a teenager too and may well be like this at home or with others, as teens are, these days. What I wouldn't do is keep trying so hard. My youngest ds was 12 when I met her. I had years of indifference, ignoring, screeching and eventually estrangement from this (now 20 yr old young woman). I haven't seen her for years and she's made her dad's life a misery but, because he knows I've done nothing wrong (other than exist and marry her dad) he supports me. He has told me that should sd make him "choose" his choice will be his marriage to me. I hope it never comes to that (and I'd probably walk away first, which is what ds wants, I think) as I believe that would say more about me, than her.

Back away a little, for your own sanity. Her dad should reassure her, maybe in writing that he loves her and is there for her when she is ready to come back and try to talk about her feelings, and sort out a way forward. Then, I'd do nothing. Wait for her to want to return and accept the fact that dialogue is necessary.

So sorry about typos. Bloody iPad turn sd into ds. I have a step daughter who is behaving in this way.

Yes, massive mistake for your dp to give the control to his dd. This will happen again and again and he will never find the right balance as dd will always call the shots. It is a case for you detaching for a bit and him being a bit stronger and proactive involving the mum, if she is reasonable and maybe reading a few books on the subject so that he can handle the visitation refusals in the best way for everyone.

I'm gonna go with the teen thing to. I've noticed this with our sd that when her mum puts pressure on her she goes off on one, but if I just try and discuss the same thing using open questions and suggestions rather than parent child language I don't get any of it.

We do have our run ins though, once she packed her bag and went to her dads because of an argument we had. She was back the next day, couldn't remember the argument, just that we were wrong.

So she could be reacting to something at home, or at school if she is genuinely smelly or untidy, girls are merciless at that age. It's hard to understand how confusing hormones and teenage emotions can be and how anxious girls especially can be about everything.

Maybe she needs to hear her dad tell her he loves her, and how much her visits mean to him. Maybe he could suggest she just comes round for the day to start with, and then stay over when she's ready.

Don't mention her hygiene to her directly, if she's staying maybe buy her some new pjs or a onesy and some fab bath or shower stuff from lush, leave them on her bed or get her dad to suggest you're going to have a late night in front of the tv so have a bath and get all cosey first in the new things you've got for her.

If you DP fails his daughter by giving into her demand to "choose" between you and her he is setting himself up to lose his DCs and you.

Your DPs DD needs guidance from her parents to understand that there is room in her Dads life for both her and you, and that choosing between you is not something he will do.
She also needs to know that there are boundaries of acceptable behaviour towards you, and that if she steps outside those, there will be consequences. She's old enough to be polite and civil to someone even if she doesn't like them.

If her Mum fails to support your DP in this, and "sides" with their DD, then it's likely that your DD will opt out of contact for a while. But, she'll know that her Dad loves her, she'll have respect for him and she'll turn to him when she needs him.

But, if your DP allows his DD to dictate how he conducts his life, she will continue to make demands about other aspects of his life and eventually, he will have to refuse her. It will be a lot harder for her to accept "Daddy saying no" if she's had her own way for years and that will damage their relationship for good.

Thanks for the messages x my DP has gone down this afternoon to pick her up from school and take her out for a couple of hours before picking her brother up. My DP is too kind hearted for his own good to be honest and doesn't like any conflict with her. Her mum seems to be egging her on a bit we think but in fairness I think she is being told how awful I am all the time by her dd.

The hygiene issue I really struggle with as not exaggerating you can smell her the second you walk in the room. We had guests over at Christmas and it was very embarrassing for my DP as she had refused to have a shower before people arrived. We've bought her new clothes and she refuses to wear them she has lovely hair but she refuses to wash or brush it. Her brother is always clean and tidy when be arrives but her mum seems to not acknowledge how her dd is.

I hope this afternoon goes ok for them both but I don't want her to think that her dad will lead a separate life for her. I was nothing to do with her parents divorce as I didn't meet my DP until 3 years after they separated but I am the only woman that he introduced his dc to. My dc both adore my DP and that's what also hurts. X

You guys have both been very responsible with your relationship and on paper everything should be okay. As is the same in my situation, but lives with dsc do not always run smooth unfortunately, much as we wish them too. It may need some reassurance from dd and perhaps a little alone time, but the 'separate lives' part is a big mistake. If you see it going that way, you will need to talk to him about it. Because what will happen ultimately is that he risks losing you, his family unit and dd and the future will be no different, god forbid you split and one day he had another partner, chances are dd will behave the same again.

The hygiene thing is interesting, does she have a big circle of friends... or a best friend? Best that your dp or dd's mum tackle this problem directly as it's sensitive. It's got to be loving and caring approach-wise and could start with some praise about some aspect of their appearance or clothing, etc. But a direct question of 'could you tell me the reason that you don't shower every day' for example is not wrong. They can follow up by 'in our house, as with most people we all shower at least once a day, that's how it is...' It's direct, sets a standard and opens dialogue. It may be a symptom of depression or something else, maybe just laziness. It can be common in teenagers and sometimes a comment from a boy/girl, or friend at school can shock the child into changing. But it does need tackling, mostly because it will become more and more embarassing for dd as time goes by and will negatively affect self-esteem making her feel worse.

her dad really needs to address this with her mum. this is affecting your relationship with her so negatively that nothing you say is going to have any impact and is only going to result in the shut-down behaviour she's already showing you. The negativity being fed by her mum could be addressed by you though. Is there any way you can sit down and have a one-on-one chat with her mum about the fact that you have her best interests at heart and are not a monster?

The negativity being fed by her mum could be addressed by you though. Is there any way you can sit down and have a one-on-one chat with her mum about the fact that you have her best interests at heart and are not a monster?

I disagree. The OP would be telling her DSD that mum is wrong. That will more likely than not backfire.