From what distance do you step parent?

[ShesYourDaughter]

Just wondering how many of you sp's are really involved in the lives of your step children, schooling, behaviour etc?

I find myself marginalised with mine, although we both discuss what we think we should be doing and come to an agreement, my partner tends to fall at the first challenge of 'dad doesn't make us do this'. She doesn't want to be the bad parent, but she's up against disney dad big time.

As has been said in other topics I don't feel particularly close to my step kids, they're nothing like my own who have grown up and left home, and their behaviour is sometimes pretty alarming, to me anyway. But I would like to feel like I am giving them some help and guidance through life and all the support they need.

I help with homework, I do the taxi driving, I'm a sounding board for stuff mum shouldn't hear about etc. but that's all I do, do things for them. But I still feel they see me as mum's partner and nothing to do with them.

Thoughts?

I'm really involved in the lives of my step children. I'm a stay at home mum to my own children and my partner's 2 young children who live with us 50% of the time.

Basically I do everything for them as if they were my own. Practical home stuff like washing, cooking, tidying rooms. School stuff like the school run, homework, attending school plays, parents evenings. Other things like discipline, arranging days out, sorting out activities and clubs etc. Plus the nice bits like bedtime stories, cuddles, chats about all sorts etc.

However, whenever DP isn't at work he obviously does as much as he can for them and I just help out.

Ah, maybe the ages make a difference, I've got 12, 14 & 16 and much as I do the cooking and laundry etc, it feels like a chore to fill in the time while life passes by....

Hi OP,
Tiny bit of advice, don't do their laundry. Even a 12 yr old can fill a washing machine.
My dsc were 9 and 12 when they first came to stay and I thought if I did as much for them as I did for ds, then they'd see I cared for them and would be less hostile. Unfortunately as neither parent took the time to acknowledge my input and I ended up being disrespected and ignored to boot, I stopped most of my efforts and let them or their dad do chores instead.
Things have improved greatly, dsc no longer see me as doormat, when they are rude and dh does not intervene I'm no longer that resentful, ds has become more independent himself and learning life skills I'm proud of.
You've often posted on how well your own kids are doing OP, just out of interest, what would you say gave them the most support, despite experiencing parents divorce etc.?

I cook, do the family shopping and do some of my DSC's laundry. It's more to help their dad out rather than the desire to do things directly for them. I also spend time with the DSC but more as a friend than as a parent figure.

When it comes to discipline I don't tell them off as such but I will nudge them to do things like bring their plates out after dinner, put things in bin etc. For anything more serious I make suggestions to their dad, we'll discuss the situation then he'll implement if appropriate.

I don't think it's my place to be any more involved than that when the DSC already have two loving parents.

My DSD is one of my children. She comes every weekend and half all holidays. When she is here I do everything for her like I would do my own. I'm also the one who deals with her mum. Dh does the pick up and drop off but that's about it! I buy all her clothes and things she needs, I don't think dh would even know her shoe size but he doesn't know any of the kids! It's easier this way and DSD just fits right in as it's been like this since she was 18 months old and she is now 12!

Lovely and snoozy...

Echo much of what you both say. As far as my own go, I think they've done well because we, as in both parents, have encouraged them in everything they've done and we spent a lot of time as a family group, even if it was just one parent at a time after the split. We also nudged them into independence bit by bit, growing their sense of personal responsibility. I like to think that anyway.

Plus me and their mum agreed at the outset that breaking up should change as little as possible for them and we tried to stick to that. They haven't had to deal with another significant adult coming into their lives other than my DP and that's been very light touch and at an older age. But my daughter who's still at home asks to one round and see us now, which is lovely.

I do a lot for the dsc's, I'm looking after them by myself this week and it's actually a lot calmer than normal! That's teenage girls and their mum for you...

Like you both I have encouraged DP to be more active, and we do discuss where things aren't working. I don't tell them off except maybe table manner reminders, bit of a nudge to clear up dishes and stuff. Fights about going out late or being rude I step out of.

But life is constantly disrupted by their dad, a constant theme in my posts. If we say we dont want them going out somewhere for example, and it will probably be because they need an evening at home and a good nights sleep, now we're very often getting 'dad will take me then' and that's when we find out he's pretty much arranged everything in advance.

This week he's taken the youngest out of after school club, technically they shouldn't have let him and on the second attempt they said no! And he's trying to get the eldest dropped a level in maths at school which isn't encouraging her to go for the top level exam. All of which disrupts home life and on reflection is probably contributing to my sense of being uninvolved.

Thanks for your comments, Weekend together with just me coming up which might just be a defining moment.....

I think the ages are definitely a factor, and how much Dad/Mum (the parent who is not your partner, anyway) is involved. My DH is like a dad to my DS, but he was 2 when we got together (he's 5 now) and XP isn't around at all. It wouldn't be appropriate for DH to be stepping in and playing Dad if DS was 12 and close to his father.

I think it's difficult when there is disney parenting going on. If you try to look at it from his point of view, if he feels he doesn't have much time with his DC he is trying to make sure that the time he does have with them is happy, fun, all the time. It's a misguided way to do things and it does cause problems both for the DC and for the other parent and stepparent if there is one.

I think it sounds like you're dealing well with the situation and the relationship with your DSC sounds good. Although Dad may not be handling his part of the relationship very well, there's not really a lot you can do about that - if your DP and he are on good terms then maybe they could have a chat about shared goals for the DC and how to support them in those, but if not, then it's not really an area where you can step in without causing further upset.

I think you just have to go on being there for them and not getting too involved in big fights - although if they are being rude/hurtful towards you or in front of you, you are well placed to have a conversation along the lines of "It's really hurtful to me/your mum when you say things like X." And it may be that they will try to lash out and hurt. Like anything, you just have to love them through it.

I think practically I get more involved as I would be doing things for my own dc anyway (washing, cooking etc) but emotionally I back off. I am very aware that they aren't my kids so as long as they behave respectfully and adhere to the rules my dc have to then I keep out.
I see DP and his ex doing things I disagree with (eg letting them not bother with their homework, not encouraging them to study hard, letting DSD wear age inappropriate clothes etc) but that is nothing to do with me.

I am there for them if they need to talk and I will do everything I can for them as they grow up but I'm not their parent, I feel more like an aunt or older sister which suits me fine.

Kaluki, think that's pretty much where I am. It's the emotional bit I feel disappointed with.

I coach kids sports and sometimes I feel I have a better relationship with some of those kids I see for a few hours a week than I do at home! Then again that is a tutor pupil thing and the kids are there to listen and do, and they know it.

Bertie - their dad has exactly as much time with them as we do, week about. He just chooses to make different use of it. When he doesn't have them, that's when he seems to try to make up for the lack of time he spent with them the week before! Miaow!

You might find that they appreciate you all the more when they look back when they are older.
My stepdad was little more than an annoyance to me growing up. When I lived at home I had very little interraction with him, but as I grew up he was just always there to advise, mend my cars, put up shelves etc etc and one day it dawned on me that he is actually one of the most stable and steady influences in my life. Now I really appreciate him and I do think the world of him. I'm hoping my dsc will look back and remember all the stuff I have done for them because they don't seem to appreciate any of it now!

Ha ha, yep on the same page I think.

Let's see how the rest of the weekend pans out. I'll have 8 kids of varying ages here on Saturday night!

I've done laundry, food, packed lunches, buying clothes etc for my SC's as they've been growing up, not sure how much has been noticed! That has irked me on occasion, like the Xmas the kids didn't get me or my Mum (who has always been kind to them and remembered birthdays etc even a card. I was really annoyed and upset and let them all know it too! I have disciplined when needed, but I haven't been a third parent, more like a friendly aunt. I have gone to school plays, but not parents evenings and I have done school runs and emergency pick ups from school if it was easiest for me to do so.
I've been support and back up for the kids and the parents. All the big decisions have been taken by Mum and Dad, but I think my opinions have been listened to.