Feel like I'm in a sound proof box and no one can hear me..

[Mrsmorrison13]

I think I just need some advice.

Posted in the behaviour forum last month about finding out about dss (7yrs) being referred by his mum for ADHD and how dh and I disagreed with this, I was shot down in flames for suggesting that dss mum has made this referral god attention seeking purposes.

It seems this is indeed the case.

After finding out by accident that mum had made this referral for assessments , hearing tests and dyslexia screenings we have spoken to the school at length now and they oppose the referral. They say they were approached multiple times to refer by mum and they refused as defo not needed however mum has went ahead with self referral.

We have just got full medical records and it has made me worried , his mum has told an ent consultant that dss has sleep apnoea - he doesn't even snore ! As consultant written he has discounted this as relevant history as no diagnosis / testing ever done this was just her word ?

Very confused, I'm beginning to feel worried that its her with the problem. Dss seems to have a lot of negativity and anger towards her but won't open up to why.

Just feeling so helpless ! Love him and his wee brother so much just wish all this would stop as he's getting upset now by all the appointments

morrison This is one of the most difficult things that step parents face - when their DSC are being abused/neglected/badly treated by the other parent.

You can do nothing. Actually, that's not true - you can do lots, but it will have very, very limited impact on the situation.

I suggest you support your DH to do what he can - in this case, I think legal advice (even if its just a 1 hour advisory) will be invaluable. Once he knows what his options are, assuming that you can't afford legal rep, you can help him research the law and collate the papers etc.

One of the things I have regularly done regarding my DHs DCs is report my concerns for their welfare to NSPCC/SocServ. Not in an accusatory, "exW is a bitch" way, but focused on the DCs welfare and highlighting the role of both parents (so referring to an agressive argument between parents that the DCs witnessed, rather then saying that DHs exW stormed out of the house yelling). At no point have my reports ever been acted on by them; they're not significant enough on its own - but it has built up a picture on the DCs files. Now that the situation has escalated, and CAFCASS/SocServ are involved, they have that history on file (which is now more credible because of other info that has been gathered) which puts them in a far better position to make informed decisions.
If your DH ends up taking this matter to court, it's no good him saying "Ive been worried for months" - he needs to be able to prove that he and others raised their concerns at the time.

On a practical level - your DH should ensure that he is fully informed by the professionals in his DS life; make an appointment with his DS GP to discuss the issue, ensure he maintains regular liaison with the school etc. it helps if he can avoid criticising his ex, but instead highlight his concerns about his DS. In the first instance, seeking support from the school/GP to help his DS to manage the stress of multiple appointments would be beneficial - he need not express an opinion about the appointments themselves (unless asked) but can emphasis the impact they are having and whether there are support services/techniques that help DCs in this situation.

Don't assume that your DSS mum is acting out of malice; she may have her own unresolved issues, mental health problems or a personality disorder. But, it won't do your DH any favours if he expresses that publicly - the best way of securing professional support is to present as supportive of her position, but wanting to deal with the distress/issues that her choices have caused your DSS. Professionals will soon begin to doubt her if she displays as erratic and inconsistent.