Is EOW contact just as hard? Is it fair on the DSC?

[Snoozybird]

Hi, I have posted before for advice but would really appreciate some further perspectives as I am now seriously thinking of ending my relationship.

I have 4 DSC aged between 10-16. Eldest two are on the autistic spectrum and attend special school. The youngest DSC is also showing signs of the same. We currently have the DSC every Thurs pm - Sun pm, apart from one weekend a month when we have them Thurs pm - Fri pm.

Despite everything being as good as it can be (DH is a great dad and I get on very well with all the DSCs) I struggle with only having two full days a month with DH. He points out that we have weekday evenings together, I said to him that if weeknights were sufficient downtime then people in general wouldn't look forward to the weekend so much. I also struggle with being in a household of six people nearly every weekend. If the DSCs didn't have their special needs the dynamic would be different as they'd be getting quite self-sufficient by now, however as I saw so accurately described on another thread I feel we are under house-arrest when they're here.

I have tried going out for part of the weekends and likewise DH will take the DSC to the cinema etc to give me a couple of hours, but I still find the environment suffocating.

So to my question, it appears a lot of Stepparents struggle when they "only" have their DSCs every other weekend. DH is considering reducing contact down to EOW (still Thu-Sun) but I'm worried that I would dread the DSC's visits just as much anyway...or does the extra couple time make EOWs easier to get through? Is EOW contact unfair on/too little for the DC?

Personally I'm not comfortable with the idea of DH reducing contact because of me, I would rather leave him, but he wants our marriage to work.

Would appreciate your thoughts/experiences, thanks for reading.

That's difficult I think. I have DSC same ages as yours and 4 of them too. And we have them every weekend from Fri-Sun eve. No special needs, though only the eldest really has any kind of social life yet so most of the time they are all in the house. My own kids go to their dad's EOW so I know what that's like for comparison.

The routine the DSC have - of coming her every weekend - is nice and simple. They always know where they'll be at any time, and can make social plans around that (the eldest at least, and hopefully DSC2 and 3 soon too). If your DSC are on the autistic spectrum I would guess having a nice simple routine probably works well for them too. My own kids do sometimes forget which weekend is coming up and find their lives more complicated - leaving things in the wrong house, etc. Though that's partly because they stay over til school on the Monday morning, and also go for the monday night on the alternate week. For yours though, having EOW is probably no harder to remember than knowing that 1 weekend in 4 they'll be at their mum's I would guess.

If you switched to EOW, could you keep on with the Thursday night every week? That way your DP wouldn't ever be going more than a week without seeing them. Or could he go for a straightforward 50-50 split where he has them every Wed and Thu night, then alternates the weekends? That way he wouldn't be reducing contact, but you would get half your weekends child-free.

Can you also make more of your downtime in the weekday evenings by getting on top of household chores during the weekend? Are you able to leave the DSC alone in the house to have an occasional night out together or are they not really OK to leave?

What do your DSC think about it? It would be much easier to switch to EOW without damaging their relationship with their dad if they (and their mum) were happy about it.

That's difficult I think. I have DSC same ages as yours and 4 of them too. And we have them every weekend from Fri-Sun eve. No special needs, though only the eldest really has any kind of social life yet so most of the time they are all in the house. My own kids go to their dad's EOW so I know what that's like for comparison.

The routine the DSC have - of coming her every weekend - is nice and simple. They always know where they'll be at any time, and can make social plans around that (the eldest at least, and hopefully DSC2 and 3 soon too). If your DSC are on the autistic spectrum I would guess having a nice simple routine probably works well for them too. My own kids do sometimes forget which weekend is coming up and find their lives more complicated - leaving things in the wrong house, etc. Though that's partly because they stay over til school on the Monday morning, and also go for the monday night on the alternate week. For yours though, having EOW is probably no harder to remember than knowing that 1 weekend in 4 they'll be at their mum's I would guess.

If you switched to EOW, could you keep on with the Thursday night every week? That way your DP wouldn't ever be going more than a week without seeing them. Or could he go for a straightforward 50-50 split where he has them every Wed and Thu night, then alternates the weekends? That way he wouldn't be reducing contact, but you would get half your weekends child-free.

Can you also make more of your downtime in the weekday evenings by getting on top of household chores during the weekend? Are you able to leave the DSC alone in the house to have an occasional night out together or are they not really OK to leave?

What do your DSC think about it? It would be much easier to switch to EOW without damaging their relationship with their dad if they (and their mum) were happy about it.

my dp used to hav dsc every wknd, now its changed to eow and 2/3 days in week after school.
me and dp get that much needed time, dsc mum gets a weekend with them which kids love and with kids coming after school dp gets to do homework and stuff which him and dsc enjoy

Can you look at swapping around the days you have the dc's. Being completely honest if you are the reason your step children see their dad less then in their eyes you will be the wicked step mother that stole their dad. That's how it felt to me as a child, it wasn't till I was in my 20's that I realised it was my dad's fault for agreeing to sm's demands.

I'd also suggest changing the routine, either to a 50:50 week on / week off split or as Purple has suggested, to Wed & Thurs each week plus EoW. Would you end up having to do more of the 'caring' if you had them during the week though? Does your DH work long hours during the week?

Thanks all for your replies.

Unfortunately swapping days to week on-week off or Wed & Thu overnight wouldn't work for us as eldest two DSC have special transport to school plus they finish unusually early - DH's employers are very flexible but wouldn't be able to accommodate any more than the Thu & Fri they already allow DH to finish early/work from home/not have to work away overnight etc.

Purpleroses a few months ago we tried leaving DSC alone in the house for 20mins whilst DH and I walked the dog, it all kicked off even though they'd said before we left they were ok with it. DSC have a specialist babysitter who already sits a lot during the week so we can only use her for very special occasions as she's normally having some well deserved time off on weekends.

I think DSC would love more quality time with their mum but as she spends the weekends at her DP's house she's unlikely to agree to an EOW arrangement voluntarily - it took long enough getting her to agree to having the kids one weekend a month (we used to have DSC every Thu-Sun no exceptions).

I don't want to be wicked SM so me leaving DH is looking increasingly likely

do you have any of your own children?

I find it wierd that the DSCs mum is happy to send them off every weekend. I would hate to never see mine at weekends or even one weekend a month.
We have EOW and always have and it works. We enjoy our kid free time In between and they love all being together.

Hi Snoozy, I don't really know what the answer is here, but just wanted to send you some support. Being a stepmum is difficult, dealing with autism is difficult, teenagers are difficult and maintaining a marriage is difficult! You are dealing with all of these at once, so don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best you can.

Is there any respite support available? My son has autism and our local Mencap centre have been really helpful in finding us specialist childcare and activities my son can participate in so that he can get out and do something sociable, AND so we can have a little time off too. I hope things get easier for you soon.

croquet No, I don't have children of my own, this is all a huge learning curve!

kaluki DSC's mum undoubtedly loves them and does lots of "parent guilt" meals out and trips when she does have them, poor DSC's are so exhausted by the time they get to us they just want to stay indoors all weekend. She had an emotional affair which turned into a full blown relationship with her now-DP after she left DH. My guess is she gives her own relationship priority because she needs to feel it was worth splitting up the family for if that makes sense.

charlie Thanks for the support and suggestion, I doubt we would get respite support as we don't have the DSC full time, it just feels like it as they're here will us for most of our leisure hours i.e the weekends! I hope you are getting on ok too.

I've decided my next step is to go for couples counselling before I make my final decision, has anyone found it has helped?

Hi snoozy new to this thread but wanted to give you some support. If you're DP is up for counselling I would say go for it. Whether it helps will depend on the counsellor, there are good ones and bad ones. If you don't feel like it's helping don't give up, try a different counsellor. You will know when you find the right one. It sounds like you are dealing with a helluva lot but please don't give up on your relationship and do consider contacting social services for support - you might be surprised at what they could offer, they should take into account the impact on you as carers. Will be thinking of you - keep us posted. Xx

Snoozy - it sounds really tough. I can't imagine four DSC, who have special needs that mean they need a lot more time and attention as well.

I have just one DSS, and EOW Thurs night -Mon morning works really well for me. In the past if we have had a few weekends in a row, I have definitely felt stressed due to lack of me-time. I feel guilty if I just do my own thing while DSS is here, but also suffocated if I spend all weekend doing what he wants to do (endless board games mostly!) and none of what I want to do. It really is a tightrope. But as he has got older it has got easier. Because I appreciate him more as a person to spend time with and because he is very gradually getting more independent. It must be very hard not to have that factor at play, telling yourself it will get easier as they get older...do you enjoy spending time with your DSC at all, do you feel affection for them?

I honestly don't think in your situation that I could cope, whether it was EOW or EW. I also have no kids of my own, and 4 DSC just seems like an impossibility in terms of what I could manage. Can I ask how long you have been together and how long the current EW status quo has been in place?

I also don't think I would be able to be the reason for DP seeing less of his DSS. I personally would find EW or 50/50 a challenge, but I know DSS would jump at more time with his dad. I can't see how I could let DP put me before his DSS in that particular aspect. I appreciate though that you are not asking your DH to do this, I understand the uncomfortable position you are in now he has offered, so to speak. But if the DSC would like more time with their mum maybe it could work?

I'm sorry I don't have good advice. Counselling seems like a very good idea before making any big decisions.