For "blended" families.......

[theredhen]

Do you spend time with your biological children without your dp and dsc?

I'd like to go away with my ds for a weekend away without dsc . Dp is getting sniffy.

It's the sort of activity weekend the dsc would dislike . Dp would probably enjoy it but hell would freeze over before he would spend time alone with just me and my ds. Fair enough that he wants to be with his kids.

I do go away with ds occasionally and visit relatives but this is an actual holiday,

It's probably worth mentioning that my 3 dsd are having 3,4 and 5 weeks each of paid holidays away this year. Ds will have the first holiday with his dad in nearly 12 years this year and a holiday with us as a family.
Just to put it in perspective that dsc are not missing out here.

Well there isn't a case for treating them all the same if his 3 are having different holidays themselves, is there? If I read that right - one having 3 weeks, another 4, another 5? (that's a lot of holidays!)

I don't think it's unreasonable if your dsc are having a holiday with their mum. Say to your dp if Your dsc go on family holidays with their mum without you so why can't you do the same?

Yes one is having five holidays this year, one with friends, one with mum, one with us, two school trips which we are paying for over half.

One is having a school hol, hol with mum and hol with us.

One is having a 4 week holiday of a lifetime. Virtually all paid for by us.

Dp is adamant I am unreasonable and that I am being in unfair in not including him in particular. But as he won't do anything without his kids, I wouldn't expect him to come but then apparently that means I shouldn't go either

We do a mixture - but most of the the times just with our own kids are family visits. I take my kids down to see family about twice a year - DP has come on one of these trips (without his kids) so far, plus one family wedding - again with just me and my kids. He'll probably come again this summer - so that'll be one trip with me and mine every 18 months pretty much, which I think is fair enough. DP accepts that it's important to me and my family that he comes sometimes, though I think he does feel a bit torn using up annual leave and not spending it with his kids. We're contemplating taking his younger ones with us this time, but we can't take them all as my parents couldn't fit us in. Older teens would just be bored there anyway.

DP does his family visits as day trips, and usually arranges them for the weekends when I don't have my kids with me so I go with him and his kids. I've also done a 5 day trip with him and two of his DCs to visit his sister abroad. I did feel a bit bad about not taking mine on that, though it would have been quite impratical to do so.

I'm also do a walking weekend with my DS each year - a one to one thing we do each year which pre-dates me meeting DP. DP seems completely OK about this and has even said if my ex won't have DD that weekend I could leave her with him.

I think your DP is being out of order kicking up a fuss about you and DS havign a weekend away together. There are load of weekends in the year - why shouldn't you have just one just for the two of you? He could spend the weekend doing someting just with his kids, that you and DS don't like if he wanted. I think a very narrow fixed view of "a family" doesn't really fit the model of blended families that we're living in.

Thanks purple. I hoped you would reply as I know you're in a similar situation.

It's good to hear you're doing a walking weekend with ds. That was one of my options to do with ds.

We've spoken again this morning and he's saying he feels left out and I should have discussed it more with him (i haven't booked anything yet).

I can see that his kids are all doing things without him apart from our family holiday, so HE is actually only having one holiday this year, although he does go away on business trips (jollies) sometimes where I will look after any of the children who are home.

He says he would feel much happier if my ds was going away with the school or friends and not with me. He has pointed out that he would never go on a holiday for just him and his kids, he would always include ds and I.

I do feel he gets a LOT of time with his kids and I don't with ds. I also feel I support him and his kids not just in the home but through parents evenings, chats, shopping, a difficult ex wife etc. and he often is so busy with his kids that he can't support ds and I in a similar way.

I don't want to be made to feel guilty for wanting some time with my son. It was just one to one with my ds for many years before I met dp, now I struggle to get any more than an hour or so every few weeks without either dp or dsc.

Totally reasonable and enjoy your holiday. Ignore him and go. It's not up to him what you do and nor is it any of your duty to think about how his DC will feel. Each child has two parents, end of.

He is being completely ridiculous! Stick to your guns and go away with your ds. You do a lot for DP and his kids and I know you have put up with all kinds of crap over the years. Don't let him make you feel guilty for wanting time with your ds. They grow up too fast and this time will be gone before you can blink so make the most of it.
We had a similar argument discussion yesterday as I am planning to take my dc abroad to visit family in the summer. DP pulled the poor hard done by DSC routine on me but they go away with their Mum every year. We used to go every year but I didn't go last year and DP thought that meant I wasn't going again and got sulky about it!
I told him I am going. End of. If he doesn't like it he can sod off.!!!!

Sounds like your DP is feeling a bit jelous/excluded from your relationship with your DS. Do you ever have any holidays with just the two of you? It's fine for him to say he'd always include you and your DS as well, but when you have 4 already it really doesn't change the dynamic that much to include one extra child (plus your DP). Whereas to go from being a single parent with a single child (or even two) to being in a familly of 7/8 is a huge difference and completely changes the way you relate to each other.

Can you sell a walking weekend for whoever likes walking - ie offer the DSC the opportunity to go, but knowing they'll probably say no? Or one to one time for DS - and maybe suggest DP does the same some time and offer to look after whichever DSC that would leave at home?

You have one of them with you full time now don't you? Is there any weekend when she's off doing something with friends or the school, that you could do a weekend with just you, DS and DP? (assuming other DSC are at their mum's at least some weekends?)

Agree with Purple. Your DH is being highly unreasonable. Even if it is an activity your DSCs would enjoy, you and DS need to spend time together too. It is a weekend, not a month's holiday!!!!

I go for a week's holiday most years with my DSs, doing an activity that I know one of my DSSs would love - but DP doesn't want to go and do this activity. I go with my DSs, it is "our" time, and we love it. No-one is fed up, and DSCs' mum has said she'll do the same activity with them sometime.

I think it is actually really important to remember that within the "blended" family unit, there are also smaller units. So here, there is a big blended unit, and we go on holiday together, but there are also two smaller units, me and DSs, and DP and his DSs. Those smaller units also need time invested in them.

Maybe your DP SHOULD go away with just his DCs!

Dp would never do anything "nice" with just me and ds. He has come to see relatives or done general everyday stuff with ds and but he is resentful and moody and we've had several rows about it. I prefer to go without dp because of it and that in turn causes rows too! Since dsd moved in, he sometimes wants to eat out during the week, something he would never have done with ds and I.

As for having time to ourselves, we often go out without the kids but mostly on any weekends I have ds but no dsc. We just leave ds at home.

We had the opportunity to go away together with no kids over the Xmas break. He fretted the whole time we were away and when I got annoyed with his constant texting the kids, he simply told me that he wants to be with his kids all the time. That kind of killed the mood for me completely and we ended up coming back early so he could get his kids a few hours earlier from his ex's than planned.

The dsc are quite insecure and literally get jealous over thinking that resident kids have had a nice yogurt when "non resident" kids haven't been here. I know they would all say they wanted to come with ds and I but I also know they would just be miserable and sit inside all day.

The option of asking if they want to come won't work then... that's a shame. My DSC are very nervous/apathetic about going away anywhere so it works nicely for me.

You'll need to upfront about it then and say you want some one to one time with your DS.

I do understand a bit how your DP feels away being away from his DC and wishing they were there - especially doing family type things with you and DSC. I still feel odd about in any kind of "family" but without my own DC. But he does sound OTT about it. I'd be pretty cross if my DP couldn't enjoy time with just the two of us as a nice thing in itself. What's he think's going to happen in a few years when they all leave home?

Btw - we have issues too over who's eaten the nice yoghurt spotted in the fridge on a Sunday evening but eaten during the week when they weren't here

Goodness yes! Even when we ALL went to Florida, there were days that we split up - sometimes it was me and the girls, and he took the boys, one day me and DS rode a Harley across the state to have lunch with an astronaut (cos no-one else wanted to do that....)

I've had hiking weekends with my son - DH and his aren't into that.
And afternoon tea days with DD.

Purple, it's good to have someone understand the big change in dynamic from one child, one adult to two adults, 5 or 6 children.

And also often feeling that we have to "slot in" with their lives.

I really need a breather and some time with my ds.

Totally reasonable I'd say.

I admit my DH is reluctant to holiday without DSD so we don't tend to ALL go away without DSD but I often take my kids away 'just me and them'.

I usually do it with them individually and only for a couple of nights. Other than DSD we have three more kids, all fairly close in age. I see going away with them individually as a good opportunity to get 1-on-1 time with them which imo, is really important.

I'm taking my DD away for a few days to do something I know she'll really enjoy in a couple of weeks - it's her birthday treat. A few weeks after that I'm taking my DS to London to see a show I know he'll love. DSD made it clear that she wasn't impressed when she found out about me taking DD away but I told her quite firmly that she got to do lots of nice things with her Mum and DH backed me up.

Enjoy yourselves guilt free I say.

Sounds reasonable. We will be camping with just my kids and not dss in the summer as we are going with friends and it falls on dss's mum's birthday weekend. We feel bad as we know he'd enjoy it but equally he's going to France with his mum so will still be having fun.

Sounds like your dp and his kids have some issues with feeling insecure. If he's texting them all the time then is he making them feel responsible for him? Does he have a lot of guilt? None of us like being away from our own kids but we have to learn to enjoy that time.

He feels guilty but it was his wife who left him 8 years ago.

He says he doesn't mind me spending time with ds just would have liked to have been asked first!

To be fair to dp we have been away on lots of weekends away in the past and he hasn't been constantly texting and because he knew his kids were home alone at mums (they're teens)when mum was working that day he wanted to get back to then. Heaven help he tell them that he would pick them up at 5pm as agreed. I think he felt guilty that his kids might think he wasn't putting them first.