new stepmum to teenage girl

[Nicola63]

Hi, hope you don't mind my coming onto this forum (I generally hang around the ttc forums).

I have been married to my DH for just over a year, and he has two girls aged 11 and 13. I have no children. They are lovely and I get on well with them, but see them infrequently (just holidays) as they live very far away (in South Africa) with their mother (their father moved to the UK from there to marry me last year).

In December the oldest girl finishes primary school and we (me and her father and mother) have all decided she will move to London to go to secondary school here. She is very excited about it.

I'm happy about it but naturally rather apprehensive. This is going to be a massive chnage in my life (I am in my forties and never lived with any children, previous marriage was childless). It's of course most important for my stepdaughter that I get this right. She is moving away from her mother her sister, her grandparents and everyone and everything she knows. A bigger change in her life than mine. She's a very very bright girl and very mature and balanced, but I relaise this is not going to be easy for any of us.

Any advice?

listen to her, be a friend and agree house rules with your dh for how you will manage things before she comes

rules and boundaries are a good thing to have.

my husband and i are quite chilled out people and therefore rules are in place but we aren't too strict.

my step-children's mum and stepdad are very strict and have very clear boundaries and rules, and the children seem to like that.

if they lived with us full time i think i would be a lot stricter on the rules & boundaries so that everyone knows where they stand.

Newly Weds too, Mmmmm, I hope it works out for you, it didnt for me. Still if the arrangements are already made then you will just have to deal with whatever the outcome.

This is going to be a decision that you will not be able to get out of at a drop of a hat, so I do hope you have considered all the options if things get sticky.

Good luck

what sort of a relationship do you and your dh have? and what does he expect you to be to her? a mother? a friend// ? or a housekeeper?
if you lay down rules, will he back you up? or if you allow herto do something etc will he back you up? orr let the child feel she can walk all over you?
lots of luck

My relationship with DH is completely wonderful and he is the most chilled person (also fabulous dad) so I'm not too worried about that (although a little worried about what it will do to our sex life, at the moment we do it at least every day and often more, this will obviously have to change). I'm sure DH and I will be fine (I was married to a real ah* before so I know well when I am onto a fab thing!!).

I'm more concerned about making things good for her, especially as she will be away from her mum and sister for the first time. She and I have a very good relationship, (rather more like friends than mum and daughter) but based on spending some great holidays together, which is not the same as real life. Also, her mother and grandparents are religious, go to church etc, and I am a very avid atheist. I will need to be careful about this. I have been sure to pick a school that has a Christian ethos although not specifically a church school.

I like the tips about thinking about the rules carefully in advance, and will, together with DH, give this considerable thought. We are pretty relaxed people, not ultra tidy or obsessional, and she is a very polite, well brought up girl, but I know things can change as adolescence takes hold! (I remember being 14!)

Thnaks for the advice. I am positive and very excited about this, but support and advice will be invaluable.

PS stitch, DH is likley to be a lot stricter than me, there is no way he would let her walk all over me, he sets great store by politeness, manners and consideration.

PS stitch, DH is likley to be a lot stricter than me, there is no way he would let her walk all over me, he sets great store by politeness, manners and consideration.