Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Paternal grandparents have told my daughter my partner is not her real dad!

81 replies

fif83 · 12/01/2014 02:26

On my d's 5th bday the paternal grandparents sat her down and told her my partner wasn't her real daddy.
The biological father is absebt and I have not spoken to him for over 6 years, however I tracked the grandparents down when my d was born and invited them into her life.
I have been with my partner since my d was 1 and she knows him as daddy. We confronted them about what they had done and they were not sorry. They said it wasn't appropriate for her to call my partner dad as their son is her dad and they wouldn't lie to her. Furthermore they have refused to refrain from speaking to her about it further when she is in their care.
We are disgusted and we do not know what to do. My daughter is confused and we don't feel we can trust them to respect our wishes. Has anyone else been in this situation or can offer any advice???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 12/01/2014 13:48

It's not clear what the OP has told her DD about her parentage. But her DP is her DD's "real dad". He's not her biological father, but he's her dad in every real sense.

Maybe the OP has told her DD nothing about her parentage; maybe she's given her information commensurate with her DD's understanding of the biology of it. We don't know.

However, the biological GPs have told the OP and her DD that

her dad isn't her "real" dad (not true)
it isn't appropriate for her to call the OP's DP dad (yes it is, he's raised her and is the only dad she's even known; it's entirely appropriate)
their son is her dad (no, he isn't. He's never seen her or shown any interest. He's her biological father, not her dad)

OP, I think you need to as a minimum scale way back on contact and not let your daughter be in their care again; they've made it clear that they don't respect your decisions and wishes. You do need to make sure that your DD knows the truth about her origins but I appreciate that this is a difficult age where children find it difficult to separate the biological and social aspects of fatherhood.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 12/01/2014 13:51

(Ah, although it sounds as though there's another thread where the OP does give more information. So maybe we do know all that stuff...)

LouiseSmith · 12/01/2014 13:51

I would be angry, it's not there place to tell her. It's solely your right to tell her in your own time.

ProphetOfDoom · 12/01/2014 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clarabumps · 12/01/2014 14:04

I'm interested in this thread. My ds is 6 and dp is not his bio father. How do you sit down and tell a child that that's not their biological dad? Ds bio dad has never been on the scene, has met ds once at 4 months old and wanted nothing to do with him. I don't know how explain that to him without going into loads of details about sex and where he is now. He's a total waster and I really don't want him in out lives. We now have 2 more dc and are a happy wee family unit. I don't want to leave it to the teenage years but how would you deal with it? Sorry to hijack the thread btw…
And yes the GP were TOTALLY out of order. Not their place at all to bring this up. I'd be furious.

hercules1 · 12/01/2014 14:05

I thought she had. Iirc she didn't intend to tell the dd about her real father. She was advised she needed to. Wrong of the grandparents but would be interesting to hear their side.

ProphetOfDoom · 12/01/2014 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 12/01/2014 14:10

Clarabumps, given where you're starting from I'd probably tie it into your conversations with him about sex/where babies come from -- at the earliest opportunity you can drop in something matter-of-fact about how while his dad is the dad to all three of them, in his case the [at whatever level you're talking about it at the time] came from another man called X, isn't that interesting?

Clarabumps · 12/01/2014 14:13

aha, That seems natural, I don't want to do the big sit down and talk about it thing. Like dropping a bombshell. I just want it to be factual. DP has always been his dad. He's been there since he was born so he is REAL..just not biological.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/01/2014 14:23

Schmaltzing, this post is subtly different to OP's first post on this matter and paints the GPs on a much crueler light. We don't know how they told her, what we do know is that for the past 5 years they have been in this child's life.

NorthernLurker · 12/01/2014 15:09

How long were they supposed to wait for the OP to do it? She should have done it years before this. I agree they shouldn't have told her not to call her dad, dad - but it seems the OP may not have been frank about that.
It is better for this child to know this all now. It would have been better still for her mother to have told here years ago.

Clara - I agree with anadventure - get it in to the conversation as soon as you can and be clear that your partner IS his dad, he just has another in the background.

paperlantern · 12/01/2014 16:09

to me it's simple.

"Some daddies are biological daddies. when you were born I was with your biological daddy. but we split up" -if you can sugar coat why he is absent eg "he had to work away" "he was ill"(covers everything from mental health to addiction). otherwise you don't need to add in anymore info

then "some daddies chose to be daddies. your very lucky, your daddy chose to be your daddy. and your biological daddy's grandparents wanted to see you too. we all love you very much. Your very lucky to have so many people who love you in your life"

"I'm happy to answer all the questions you have, as best I can . But I won't say bad things about your biological dad and some things your too young to understand and I will when your old enough. If you ask question that I can't answer for these reasons I will tell you that is why I can't answer"

there 3 minute convo could have saved a lot of heartache could have saved a lot of heart ache

QOD · 12/01/2014 16:37

Chase, don't use the term real dad, use birth, just say babies are made from 2 people loving each other but sometimes it doesn't last and some people aren't ready to be daddies, doesn't mean he doesn't love you but he wasn't ready and daddy and I met and he loved you right away blah blah?
I showed dd photos of her birth mum pregnant with me in the photo too etc right form early days, was just what is was.

QOD · 12/01/2014 16:38

Agree paper lantern - why didn't I say ."what paper lantern said"

paperlantern · 12/01/2014 16:54

I always worry about saying biological daddies love you very much. That raises so many questions that actually you don't know the answer for.

'why did my biological daddy leave me'
"i don't know sweetheart, everyone has there own problems ans reasons for what they do. but what I do know is that you're awesome and he is really missing out"

paperlantern · 12/01/2014 16:58

biological daddies who are not around I mean

MrsDeVere · 12/01/2014 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 12/01/2014 17:09

Clara, I was able to tell my eldest when she was 3-4 - I was lucky she asked the question "whose my Dad" (no idea why??) but it was a fantastic opportunity to introduce her having another bio dad and his name. She can't remember not knowing and at 17 says she is glad that she always knew.

One suggestion could be to drop into conversation post reading books about him being special because he has 2 daddies - one that made it and one that chose him?

paperlantern · 12/01/2014 17:21

unfortunately somewhen between 4- 5ish the national curriculum has a topic that makes a big deal about who you are and where you fit in your family. Great if your kid is confident or has a nuclear family unit. dd was (still is) processing divorce from her dad. It was hell for her.

agree the questions may come waaayyy after the event. but tge sit down chat is important as the information is best from you and, if other people know you can never guarantee they won't tell in a way you are not happy with.

Never answer questions you don't know, don't overshare.

Boreoff456 · 12/01/2014 17:33

The more I think about this The more I think there is more to this.

I am struggling to accept that 2 people have had a relationship with this child, to the point they look after her on her own. And nothing has EVER come up about who they are.

I get the feeling the OP is holding back. Although either way, telling her on her birthday was shitty.

Littlefish · 12/01/2014 20:56

Clarabumps - I agree with the previous posters - you need to start talking to him as soon as possible. The longer you leave it, the more of a big deal and shock it becomes. It doesn't need to be a big sit down serious conversation - in fact, the more drip, drip and informal the better, I think. Good luck.

SiliconeSally · 12/01/2014 21:09

How have you explained the paternal GPs to your dd? Who did she think they were? Does she also know your DP's parents?

They absolutely should not have done this on a unilateral basis, but none of it is your dds fault, and if she loves them, she may well resent you forever if you cut them out now.

Of course her dad is her dad, and the gps are being v silly about that. As t the res, just start behaving as if it is normal - which it is - that some people have a daddy who makes the seed and then a daddy who loves them, cares for them and is Daddy.

I think it is good that it wasn't left later, tb, but agree that they had no business to take it upon themselves.

But can you see what a difficult position they were in in explaining who they are? And denying their own son? They may well see him in her!

croquet · 12/01/2014 21:56

paperlantern you are so right about that national curriculum thing! I'm in my 30s and still remember when I had to do it. I had an abnormal family unit and it was excruciating, left me in tears I think.

GroupieGirl · 12/01/2014 22:21

Use naturally occurring conversations to drop in information about different types of family.

This is exactly what I do with my three year old. Her biological father has never met her (wasn't interested) and she has only ever known my now husband as her daddy. I have always tried to 'drop in' to conversation about different types of families, and how she has her daddy who lives with us and looks after her, but she also has another daddy who lives far away and just helped to make her. It helps that I also have a dad and a stepdad - so the two dads thing isn't completely alien to her.

Interestingly, in our situation, the biological father's mum & stepdad are also periodically involved in my child's life, so it will be interesting to see how things play out as time goes on.

springadorspringybum · 12/01/2014 22:29

ccg

Flip

1 2 3 4