Paternal grandparents have told my daughter my partner is not her real dad!

[fif83]

On my d's 5th bday the paternal grandparents sat her down and told her my partner wasn't her real daddy.
The biological father is absebt and I have not spoken to him for over 6 years, however I tracked the grandparents down when my d was born and invited them into her life.
I have been with my partner since my d was 1 and she knows him as daddy. We confronted them about what they had done and they were not sorry. They said it wasn't appropriate for her to call my partner dad as their son is her dad and they wouldn't lie to her. Furthermore they have refused to refrain from speaking to her about it further when she is in their care.
We are disgusted and we do not know what to do. My daughter is confused and we don't feel we can trust them to respect our wishes. Has anyone else been in this situation or can offer any advice???

From what the op has posted, she has had 5 years to come clean. She has for the past 5 years been deceiving the child about who everyone is. The grandparents were told about her birth, and until the op comes back and answers these questions I am going to presume they have been there all this time. Of course the girl is confused, her mother has lied to her.

All you can do now op is to continue to be honest with her. To talk about her bio father. You have to accept that she will want to know about him. You must have known that eventually this would have come out. As others have said the sooner the better. Yes she calls your partner dad, but she also needs to know about her other dad. You should not be disgusted that they have had the balls to do something you were incapable of doing. Ok telling her on her birthday wasn't the ideal time for that and that alone they were out of order.

At 5 she is more than capable of knowing about family dynamics, and she probably knows that people have more than 2 parents, that some are adopted, some are the children of gay parents etc, because of school.

how exactly did you think you could get away with having grandparents in your dds life without explaining how they relate to your dd?

yes very wrong of them to have told, very wrong to say she can't call who she knows as dad, dad
read the grandparents the riot act over the second but accept the first came from your error of judgement in the first place

Oh my god - have they or their son ever contributed financially?
You say he is 'absent'. Have they not encouraged him to step up?

I think you need to visit them without DD, close the door, and have a long, loud talk. If she's to call their son 'dad' he needs to start acting like one. Tell them they should be ashamed of having brought up such a deserting prick and that you don't trust their 'parenting' ideas (re. your DD) as they've done such a shoddy job on their own.

It is time to tell your DD the truth but even so these sour old bastards should be cut out entirely.

Had they asked you previously to tell her?
Has your dd never asked if her grandparents were in relation to you and dp?

Sorry for the language - but this makes me fume! I hate people like the GP you describe.

Sanctimonious old [screams into towel]

They were wrong but you were wronger, how did you explain who they were to dd anyway?
Poor little sausage, my dd has just always "known" her story - straight surrogate, and it is what it is, nothing weird.

It's also very logical that the girl has asked them who they are. Hence them sitting down and telling her... What's the alternative in that scenario, refer her to her mum who hasn't done this yet.. Lie some more.. Change the subject..

Would be bloody helpful if the op returned to any of the threads she has started.

How disgusting that they would tell and that they are unapologetic . I wouldn't trust them to care for your child as they've proven themselves untrustworthy. Who is to say they also wouldn't decide to introduce their son (whether or not you agree).

No contact is too extreme but supervised visits sounds about right.

You have every right to be angry.

And the op has proven herself trustworthy in the emotional well being of the child?

Regardless of whether you agree with OPs decision she is the mother and gets to decide when is appropriate to tell her daughter.

how exactly were they expected to explain their presence in the child's life?

explaining who they were was at some point inevitable given the Op hadn't. It was the rest that was unnecessary

They should've discussed it with you first, but you were wrong not to tell her in the first place, with them in her life it was obviously going to come out at some point!

They're wrong about who she calls dad, your partner is clearly more of a father to her than their son, but she does need to understand that he's not her biological father and knowing this younger will be much easier for her to understand

I think you need to talk to them about the whole situation, without your dd around

Use the term birth father OP. My dd has a birth mother and me, well and dh obviously

They were completely out of line and don't deserve to be in your child's life until they have some respect for your decisions, OP. they should have discussed it with you first to see how and when you planned on telling her. It sounds like they did it out of spite rather than anything else considering their opinion on her relationship with your DP. What horrible people.

I'd go no contact with them. They have no respect for you or DP and no thought for their own grandchild's emotional wellbeing. The important relationships to work on here are between you, your DP and DD. I think lots of talking and explaining that making a baby doesn't always make someone a dad is called for. How is your DD at the moment? Is your DP okay?

Also ignore the posters who say you have 'deceived' your daughter. You are the only person here (on mumsnet) who we know for sure knows your daughters comprehension, acceptance and need to know about her 'sperm donor'. You haven't said you were NEVER going to tell her and its responsible parenting to wait until a time that is safest for your child.

Personally I would have tried before letting her see these people (especially seeing as they're such twats) but it all depends on your child's development and understanding. And people who don't know your child can't possibly know that.

I have a friend whose birth father and family were in his life until he was just over 2yrs old and then the father walked out and his family all suddenly had better things to do. His step father came into his life about ten months later and as he grew up he didn't really remember his birth father and assumed his step dad was his bio dad. It wasn't really talked about as there was no need to talk about the bio dad as he'd done one and didn't want anything to do with them. There had been no keeping anything from him, he just couldn't remember his bio dad, but no one realised that he didn't remember. It all had to be explained years later on when there was problems with his bio dad's new wife wanting access (long story!!)

So even if you had told her years before it might not have made a difference - her "real" dad is your DP if that's who she has the relationship with, not her absent bio dad.

So I can see why you have chosen not to say anything yet- it should've been your decision. Don't let her be in their "care" from now on as they obviously don't give a shit about her and are more bothered about their own feelings.

What horrid horrid people to make that decision for you.
They should have spoken to you about it.
It must be hard to have a son that has no interest in his child, but that doesn't excuse their behaviour.
Id cut contact, something as serious as this needed careful handling not a 'she needs to know' decision taken from you. There was no respect for you or your daughter.

actually I would have no problem not explaining about a "sperm donor". except at some point the question is going to come up "how come you are my grandparents but not mummy or daddy's parents"

at that point not expecting it to come out is like an ostrich sticking it's head in the sand. if you don't someone will

it was not their place to tell your ds, they should have spoken to you and given the opportunity for you to do it or explain when you were going to, as you would have to have told him at some point. I would be furious with them, they over stepped the mark.

I would be livid, how cruel of them to do it on her birthday too.
At 5 I was still very emotionally immature, and it wouldn't have found it easy to cope with that kind of information. It is a mothers place to know their child's emotional abilities, maybe the OP felt she needed to be older?

I agree with paperlantern

Even if DP's parents are off the scene, there was bound to be a point when DC noticed that the GPs weren't the parents of either of her parents and an explanation would be needed.

And it's better to do that in a considered way, rather than caught of balance as a result of eg the (common) "all about me" reception project.

But it was utterly wrong for the GPs to do this out of the blue.

With hindsight, you should have all worked out the best way and timing for the explanation. But now it's been done, the best way ahead now is to treat it all in a matter of fact way. Disrupting or removing GPs from the DC's life is likely to emphasise, not reduce, the impact.

OP posted about this in Lone Parents. In that post the grandparents told the child she had 2 dads and a brother. She didn't say anything about the child being told not to call her stepdad "Dad".

Your DD should know who she is and where she comes from OP and you should have told her.

This child is not the property of the OP or the grandparents, nor of the absent or present fathers. This child is an independent human being with a history and a sense of belonging. Those adults around her have properly screwed this up atm and need to work as a team to fix it. those of you saying 'keep the evil grandparents away' - what are you thinking? These are loving, present and honest people. The Op needs to work with them for the sake of her dd not against them for the sake of herself, as some of you seem to be suggesting.