What are your instincts on clingyness?

[Loveineveryspoonful]

Have often wondered about this one, and just now read another mner upset by it.
As a mum, I realize very young children cling to mum, or dad, when very shy of a stranger.
Im also aware that one on one time is important for kids when visiting their nrp.
I was and sometimes still am faced with dss clinging to dh, even though dss is now 13, lives with his dad 50:50 and dh and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. Dss is also great pals with ds and his friends and I encourage special activities for dh and dss only (mind bogglingly boring nerdy stuff definitely no one will interfere or want to take any part in).
And yet when we are all watching tv/ film on the couch, and dh turns to snuggle at a romantic bit, dss will literally fling himself at his back like a koala baby, holding on for dear life.
This also makes dh very uncomfortable, we are already attending couple counseling for our issues but didn't get real advice because dh was embarrassed to explain dss behaviour to its full extent and I didn't want to make it worse.
My gut tells me dss is still nowhere near accepting dh has moved on, despite enjoying his time here (his decision to come 50:50 about a year ago). His parents separated when he was 6, divorced at 8. Dh was living alone for 2 years until divorce came through and dc saw him regularly during week and eow, hols, etc. This rota was kept up for 2 years in our (new for all) home too, tweaked to suit all our growing needs eventually.
It's upsetting to me, frankly, on many levels. I usually get up and offer to fix a snack or pretend I wasn't into the story and do my own thing, which then has him settling down again... But I know I'm just avoiding the issue.

Dh has put a lot of effort into parenting dsd, 16, and is trying hard not to be her BFF. I'm already fed up at the thought of going through this "but you have me, why do you need her? routine" all over again with dss .

And yes, the exw dislikes me (for no known reason) but has live in bf, just to complete the picture.

dsd 11 is very clingy, example last weeknd, dsd got of dads lap and went to grab sumthing from car, dp then got up and announced he needed a number 2 and went to use upstairs loo.
dsd came bak in, panic on her face, wheres daddy, on loo darling I say, what loo, upstairs or downstairs she says?
I say hes having a poo leve him b 10 mins.
she proceeds to check downstairs loo and announces he must b upstairs and proceeds to sit on floor outside loo saying I miss u daddy.
5 mins later they come down, him carrying her (shes 11 remember)
WTF not normal.

It's representative of attachment issues. It indicates the child needs more time and affection from that parent as the bond isn't yet secure.

stargirl b4 seeing dp and his dd together id hav agreed with you, dp and his dd hav a huge bond, b4 he left his ex he and dsd were very close, there closer than dsd and her mum.
family tell me they hav always been this way.
my dp has a ds aswell whos 8, he looses out as all time is focused on dsd. right now he doesnt realise but he will as he gets older.

there like a married couple. not right.

thing is wen just with me, she great, we hav such fun , she acts like a normal 11 year old i absolutly love to bits but as soon as bak with dad turns into a whiney needy 2 year old.
hav told dp he need to address these issues but he thinks im being silly

Hi ginger,
Dh was also not eager to face the problem, they probably enjoy having a harem of doting women around them (that is until the actual spouse kicks them out...).
Thankfully he was told by our counselor to parent dsd properly and be a dad (good cop and bad cop) and stop the menage a trois he was most comfortable in (pointing out the pitfalls for dsd soon cleared this up, but backslides at his peril).

Stargirl, you are probably right there, although I fear its also combined with gingers take. Dss has always lived in his sisters shadow, openly acknowledged by dh, btw, and I've always felt his decision to move in with us 50:50 was designed (a) to get more time with dh than dsd was having and (b) watching out that nobody else, ds or me, would create yet another drain on dads love. He sometimes asks if dsd sees us in the week he's with mum, and we assure him its not possible, mainly because she lives ft with her mum and surely he'd notice if she wasn't there...
I really don't want to deal with this, not after the major issue with dsd...

I think I've answered my own question really, the best idea is probably to watch tv in shifts, adult tv and dad sharing tv.

DSS 18 does things. Clings to DH throughout access weekends (yes is still 'clinging' to the access rota ), follows him around and sits squashed next to him on a crowded sofa rather than on a comfy chair on his own. Doesn't have any friends, just his parents.

I can only assume its due to a mixture of insecurity and lack of friends (hence nothing better to do). But that will have become a vicious circle, because an 18yo who clings to parents won't have much in common with his peers.

Jealously can be at play as well, whether towards the parents partner or another sibling.

Another aspect is asserting the "right" to the parent in a physical way. But again a vicious circle because it gets in the way of a healthy and strong parent child relationship.

Allnew, agree with the physical assertion of ownership... Dsd used to fling her legs of dh's anytime he cuddled up a bit closer to me, it was quite appalling. Luckily she has stopped this, but dss has taken over.
So they can have him, I agree or usually suggest their tv viewing times with dh, usually afternoons or early evenings, and busy myself. But its adult or family time now after dinner. Those are the boundaries for both of them (it just kills me though a little each time dh seems to be renegotiating these simple courtesies re dsd, always asking if she is ok with our adult time viewing choice, at 16 we don't kick her out... But is v willing to bundle off dss to his room)...

Should read "fling her legs over dh's legs"...
Anyway, I suppose I should have let them at it from the word go, but we'd have ended up with two camps under the one roof, dh and dsc, me and ds.
Sometimes I feel the dsc are like recovering alcoholics! So much Disney parenting has made them ill and badly adjusted to RL, now any tiny dose of pandering with set off unreasonable demands instantly and mournful looks when dh does not follow through. Its very sad to see, especially knowing that they're blaming me for this downturn, and I'm angered that dh has never chosen to explain the harmful effects of Disney parenting. After all, he'd then have to admit he'd made a mistake.

So sad. These kids are so screwed up. DSD can be like this - though not quite as extreme. I had to really assert myself as DPs partner and put her in her rightful place as the child when I met him as she was like his mini wife!! DP luckily backed me up (I think it made him a bit uncomfortable - she once even demanded that he either sleep in her bed with her or let her sleep in our bed because she didn't want us to be alone without her!) but she calmed it down after a while.
Every now and then it starts up again but usually this coincides with some drama or other that is happening at home and she just needs reassurance that she is loved.
I dont understand how these men can't see how deeply unhealthy this is??

Wow very interesting reading experiences similar to my own! My partner's daughter behaves just like this a lot of the time she will lean back and sit between his legs leaning on the Sofa. Even dp seemed uncomfortable with it but I expect he encouraged the odd behaviour til I was on the scene judging by what I've read here. I found it strange and didn't like the way he pandered to her like she was God's gift and avoided spending time around her. He picked up on this and eventually I was painted as the villain. I now refuse to be around her they can spend time as they wish but I won't be part of it.again this makes me the bad guy but est la vie

Hi pikle,
Like you I now try to get out of their way, and will happily read in the next room. As I also had to listen to the most ludicrous (and unnecessarily loud) of conversations, I will be looking for my old iPod next....
Sometimes their behaviour just defies all reason. I'm actually thinking it will get better as dsd gets older and wiser, I have some proof of that at least, but I've resigned myself to being married to a prat to a complex man.

It drives me a bit mad. Dsd (8) is here now and she's currently draped around dp's shoulders while he is trying to repair a knackered old Sega Master System (yes folks, he's a nerd).

She's with us 50% of the time and NEVER leaves his side. Me and my ds's can't get within 10 feet of him when she's with us. Dp gets annoyed with it, but whenever he tells her to go and play, she just sneaks back a few minutes later.

She's lived with us for 4 years now and it hasn't got any better. She's fine when he's at work, but as soon as she sees him, she glues herself to him and becomes 3 years old.

Me and the boys are going out in a minute to my mum's, so I don't have to watch this annoying display. Maybe it's jealousy on my part, but it does wind me up a bit.

My sd went through a very clingy phase when she was 11. There had been a misunderstanding and her dad had dropped her home earlier than her mum was expecting her. Her mum then phoned my husband to rant about how he couldn't wait to get rid of her and how his daughter was sat there crying. (i wonder why!) After that she would write 'i love daddy' in the bathroom steam, write him little love notes and throw herself at him at every opportunity. It was definitely an insecurity thing and thankfully she's not as bad now but it was incredibly frustrating at the time.

My SC's could be a bit like Dads shadow, but it did ease over time. When we went out they would be on either side of him like a non-armed guard! Funnily enough, if we were all together and he was occupied elsewhere they sometimes did it to me too. I think it must be rooted in some kind of insecurity. I recall going to a party with DP and the kids and he's left the room to get something and I realised that the kids had gravitated to me and I could barely move my arms they were standing so close.
I can't remember when it stopped, but it did.

DSS literally clung onto his Dad, followed him round like a shadow, practically sat on his lap whilst watching TV etc etc. And by the time DSS was 17/18, he was slightly taller than his Dad, and the whole thing became seriously weird. I expect people thought they were a gay couple. (I have no issues with gay couples BTW).

This carried on until DSS went to Uni last September, and thankfully when he came home at Christmas, he'd grown out of it.

But it was all very unhealthy.

When DSD was 11 she used to hang off her dad in a way that was more possessive gf than father/daughter. If he was talking to someone at his work she would come in and stand with her back to the other person and hang off him - as she was quite tall this was very awkward. I never knew how to deal with it (and dh didn't want to upset her by saying anything) so we ignored it. Now our dd is 11 (and has lived with dh all her life) she wouldn't dream of doing something like that. She doesn't even always get on that well with dh and it makes me want to cry on behalf of that little girl that dsd was. How difficult her situation was compared to dd's - in fact now that dd is the age dsd was when dd was born I realise how well dsd coped with so many things which I never appreciated at the time. Even if I could go back in time I don't think I could change anything as so much (of her parents behaviour) was not in my control but I would have much much more sympathy for those dsc who are clingy now - just think how they would love to be so cool and calm about their nrp's if they could've lived uninterrupted childhood's with them.