Relationship struggles when dsc with you?

[Letsstopwiththechoccis]

I am unsure how this will come across but do any of you ever feel like you feel differently about your dp/dh when his child/ children are around? Do you feel your relationship changes or do you think maybe just more pressure on ?
General question!

As my dh Is 'Disney' when his kids are around, it puts a massive strain on our relationship as I am just thinking wtf all the time. As soon as they are gone there is harmony between us.

Yes. The relationship is more difficult, and sometimes I feel like my needs come last, or I might as well just not be around.

I think it's quite normal to feel like this in our situation.....

Its different when there here definitely. We sargue more about anything mostly due to him teaching dsc on how to fight, swear and thinks he thinks its funny, or just jealousy issues or feeling left out in general which is the usual when they are with us. But when they aren't here things are a lot better.

SD is 19 now but when she was younger it was a huge strain!

Not because of her but because (and this has always been a contentious issue) I don't think dh is a very good dad to sd. They're rubbish at keeping contact when we don't see her.

So when she was here he blocked out everything else and just completely overdid it (carried her like a baby when she was 9 for example) just really odd. It boiled my piss!

Eventually he copped that actually it would be better for sd to have a dad and not some bloke who took her to lots of places, spent a shit load of money but didn't know how she'd done in a dance contest the week before!

Totally!
DP goes into the child zone. I get sidelined.
It used to piss me off but I quite like having some time to myself now. He also fawns over them a bit and tells them about 20 times a minute how much he's missed them, which I suppose is cute in a way but it grates after a few hours.

No. If anything DP and I spend more quality time with each other when DSS is around as we're all together more doing family activities as a three, as opposed to me and DP during the week at work / doing our own hobbies / on our laptops or whatever. I have never felt that mine and DP'S relationship is threatened by DSS or that DP is a different person when DSS is around as opposed to when he's not.

The problems I have with being a stepparent are more to do with the limitations placed on my life on general, going from having no kids and total freedom and independence, to sharing my home and life with a young child. But this is my own struggle, nothing to do with DP. I have never ever felt sidelined when DSS is here. Reading this thread, I should feel more appreciative of DP for managing this delicate balancing act between father and partner so well...

Not our relationship, no. They're particularly challenging at the moment when they're here- almost entirely due to the fact that their mother refuses to let DH have any influence or say in their upbringing. I am pretty crotchety when they're here however. I know it's wrong so I do my best to cover it, but I do find it difficult. Our relationship doesn't suffer but I know I'm not as nice to be around as I'd like to be.

I'm glad you posted this because I have experienced a strained relationship pretty much every weekend we have my SD. I know part of it is down to me and the feelings others have already mentioned. Feeling excluded, a bit of a misfit. The similar humour and taste in tv/films they have highlights how different I am and disappoints me.

Also OH is inclined to be a Disney dad which frustrates me no end. He has been trying lately but lacks consistency.

I find I'm sensitive to little things, always trying not to show my grumpiness/irritations and OH and I usually argue far more than we would without SD.

I don't know how to deal with this strain in our relationship so if anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

Sometimes I look around and watch the kids playing nicely and think how lucky we are and how far we have come over the last few years.
Other times I am close to packing a bag and leaving. For ever!

Yes. Total Disney dad. no boundaries, and hands out unlimited cash. SSon is clingy, rude, and rules the roost.

Thank you for all of your replies. Its good to know I am not struggling on all alone but also feel for you all who struggle like I do. For those of you who's relationships are not affected, that's great.
I just feel the whole situation is a constant struggle sometimes and the pressure it puts on our relationship is unreal. when DSD not here the whole atmosphere completely changes and it feels good. Don't get me wrong, there is the odd time I enjoy us all doing things together but DP and i tend to use different parenting techniques, he is so much more laid back than I am and wont even notice when the apple of his eye is playing up and it drives me crazy. There is also a lack of consistency which doesn't help We have been together going on 4 years now and i thought by this stage there would be an improvement but if anything I feel its getting harder and like you Natashabee i tend to be looking for things to do away from it when DSD. Its the hardest thing I have done. I just want to be happy!

XP used to behave differently when sd and ss were here, not just Disney but he turned sort of nasty, nitpicking at me, my dc's and our ds, I still haven't worked out why he did this, but I got fed up with it and started standing up to him, meaning that most weekends they came there were either furious rows, or total silences.
I hated it, I'd hate my own dc's to go visiting somewhere the adults were fighting almost constantly, it sets a terrible example, and was also hard on my dc's.
As a result I much preferred it when they weren't coming, but that's unfair as it wasn't their fault, it was his

Yes similar to what has been put above. We function between two hours due to a. His inability to hear a word against his older children (he brought them up when their mum left) and in turn the fact he picks holes in mine.
As a result we won't be living together anytime soon!
Rather than a Disney parent he is a functional parent (I think he feels quite hard done by and bitter)

That should be two HOUSES

My step kids are now adults and are great. I met Dh after his break up from his ex, when they were quite little. I was not an OW.
Now i am older and wiser i cringe at how i behaved.

You (one) does need to cut your DH AND his relationship v with his kids a lot of slack. I wish someone had advised me to but the Hell out. Accept I was the newcomer to their relationship. Let him handle all the parenting. .even if he seems to be doing it all differently to how you would or think you would if you had your own.
It wasn't until we had our own children that I kind of 'got' that of course i want as important to him as his kids were. Who can say their kids don't come first. ??

I feel that I can relate to that. It's a feeling of being excluded, feeling not wanted, feeling not part of the family, especially with hostile dsc.
Much as I want to integrate and just hang out and have fun, how I feel is that my dp is less affectionate with me, cold almost when his kids are around and does nothing to help build the bridges. They forget I exist inbetween visits and on the rare occasions that we are together he just leaves us to get on with whatever is happening and then usually complains after to me.

Many books say that the way to influence the dsc and win them over is by showing them the strength of your partnership and that they do not hold the power in the family dynamic. Natural parent must lead the way with this and I have spoken to him about but all he hears is that I am complaining about 'his dc' which I am not.

It's almost like having two different dp's. If he acted the same when his dc are around, I am convinced that all of our lives would be so much better.

So glad I found this thread!

My experience is similar to Aroundtheworldinaday's and Newbiestepmum's. My relationship with DH is very different when his kids are with us. We have no children of our own, sadly.

The change in atmosphere makes me almost dread visits from my DSS, even though he's a pretty good kid on the whole. My DH is the Disney type; he seems to act in a fake, strained way when his kids visit, and will poke fun at me at times in front of the kids, presumably to show them that I'm not the boss of him and dad is cool like them etc.

DH and I are very happy most of the time, but it's completely different when his kids visit. DSD is at university now so we see less of her, but DSS is 16 so he's still with us once a fortnight. His only interests are watching cartoons and playing computer games and he has little conversation, albeit he's only a kid. It's difficult not to feel out of sorts when he's around.

You need to put your foot down sweet if it makes you feel like your resent ss coming to visit, obviously you know it's not his fault and I bet he's embarrassed to be honest that his dad is acting that way.
With mine it wasn't just when sc's came, it was when any of his relatives were around, and the times he acted like he was in his twenties using slag and swaggering around saying 'geez' a lot whenever in the company of anyone under thirty basically made me cringe and would have been funny if it weren't for the fact he ridiculed (or tried to) me in front of them too, giving it the alpha male thing..

Have words, don't make my mistake though and do it in front of ss. Remind dh he is setting an example for his son.

I don't feel differently about my DH when DSD is around to be honest.

I personally feel differently (stressed mostly) but I wouldn't say her presence affects my relationship with my DH.

I relate to what impatienceisavitue describes; I don't much like myself when DSD is here..