Do you spend the same on resident kids and nrkids birthdays etc?

[Gladys71]

I've always given my ds's £100 each for their birthdays.

A few months ago it was DSS's birthday. He lives with his mum and she buys him a fair bit. We gave him £50 and a bottle of vodka and threw him a party, had his girlfriend around etc before he went home and had a birthday dinner with his mum, gf and rest of his family on that side.

Now my DS's birthdays are in feb and dp is saying we should only give them £50 each as that's all his DS got. I can kind of see where he's coming from but my DS's live with me, I'm their main carer - They'll get a bit off their dad but only about £20, nowhere near what DSS would have got off his mum.

AIBU to think I should be able to give the resident kids more for their birthdays?

As a rule we spend £100 on each child.
But this year the older two wanted games which are titchy and expensive and the younger two had bigger cheaper toys.
DP wanted to rush out and buy more for DSS to make up for it but I wouldn't let him. They need to learn the value of their gifts.
Anyway DSD totals up how much is spent on whom and she would kick off if DSS got more financially. She is the most mercenary child I have ever met.

I try to avoid giving money in order to avoid that sort of comparison being made. Why don't you buy your DS something that people won't necessarily know exactly how much it cost you?

But no, DP and I between us spend similar amounts on my DCs and his DCs. Mine live mainly with us and have a dad who is always broke and spends very little on them. His DCs get £££ from their mum as well. It doesn't seem quite fair on mine, but they do accept that their dad doesn't have much money and so they get less spent on them. I'm not sure it's our place to be trying to even things up between the DCs other homes.

I hav 4 dc and 2 dsc, they r all treated equally present wise apart from my dd, she has no father so to speak so gets extra, the other 5 hav there other parent and all get spoilt by them.
example xmas, all had set amount spent on them and them wen they were with other parent boxing day dd got money in a card to the amout I knew exh had spent on my other 3, seems fair to me

We just buy DDs what they want. We don't make sure we spend an equal amount on each one - that's sily. If a particular present makes someone happy, it doesn't matter how much it costs.

Depends here as well. I am the one who tends to feel a bit bad if the presents pile looks massively out despite DH reminding me that my DSD is getting older now and understands that what she has had is more money than DSS or DS. I don't go mad, I just top up with little things so she is not sat waiting for ever.

I do think it is age dependent a bit also as my Eldest DSS who very rarely sees us now he is much older has a smaller cash amount and a small gift to open - he does have a DS and GF so they have gifts as well.

I would say that I don't care what my DS gets at his Dads or what DSD and DSS mom gets them as situations constantly change - as long as they are treated relatively fairly in my home what happens in respective parents is life and they need to understand that iyswim

So are the resident dc's having a bottle of vodka each and a party each? Is it just the actual physical amount that he is objecting to, because I am sure if you added up those extras it would equate to more than £100.

Good point Bloody but in fairness will they just get £100 or will it be plus cake and meal and treat etc etc. That is part of why I believe age should play a part and of course household finances in general. Each of us is different and the only thing I don't agree with is comparing with what they get in other households. If OP's DSD's suddenly inherited £5000 from a relative would feel it only fair to give the amount to DSS???

meant DD not DSD

arrrggghhh DS!

I don't understand why being a resident child should make a difference to the value of a present? They are still your dp's children, resident or non resident. And why should how much they may get from their other parent influence how much they get from you? My dsc's mother gives them a fortune for their birthday, I wouldn't expect to give them less because of it.

We are new to this game but spent the same on all the kids at Christmas - was kind of easy as they all got tablets. Would definitely expect to treat dss the same as my kids in the kind of presents but doesn't always mean spending the same. My kids both got bikes this year but spent a lot less on ds's as it was second hand (in very good condition) but dds was new as couldn't find a decent one second hand. Felt guilty but they never knew. I guess how much you spend matters more as they get older.

I'm guessing from replies that as they get older or becomes more apparent how much is being spent. My dcs are 2 and 4, my dss is 5. I'm not even sure at this stage that I spend the same on my two dcs, let alone on dss, but I just get the present they want. I normally buy for my dcs and DP buys for his ds. I think we usually spend around the same but at their age it isn't really an issue. I'll be get my ds a trampoline for his next bday but as I know all the others will play with it too, it seems OK to spend a bit extra for it.

As they get older, if we were to literally hand out a cheque, I'd say yes, it needs to be the same. They should all feel loved the same, whether they are my dcs, my dps dc, or both of ours. Doesn't matter what they get elsewhere, we only have control over us and ours.

I think you have to treat them all the same within reason.

If, however, children are getting lavish gifts from outside your immediate family unit (particularly if they are allowed to bring them to your house) then I think some "evening up" can be done discreetly between birthdays and Xmas.

Fortunately our kids are all too young to be given money and we just buy them what they want(within reason!); this Xmas DSD7 asked for a camcorder, DS5 asked for a mountain bike and DD2 asked for a dolls pram. Clearly those three things don't cost the same and I'm not worried about that at all because all the kids were very happy with their presents.

I can see as they get older it might get trickier. I can see occasions arising where it might be appropriate to buy one child say a laptop for their bday one year (for college perhaps) but it was not so appropriate for a younger child and just because one child had a very expensive present, I'm not sure I'd feel obliged to treat the others equally in those circumstances. It's a tough one. I'd get very angry if any of them starting totting things up as Kaluki's DSD does though; that's shocking behaviour and I think I'd be inclined to threaten getting them nothing!

I'm fairly indifferent to what DSD gets in her maternal home. Nothing goes back and forth with her between the two homes anyway so what's bought here, stays here and vice versa.