How will stepson influence son

[Lostinspace82]

I'm after some advice/views. I have a 10 year old dss and a 3 month old ds. Things with dss have always been tricky - he fairly openly wishes I didn't exist, he wants his dad to himself, we fairly regularly find notes around the house from him to his dad saying he hates me etc. In spite of this, when he is with us (50% of the time - which he has been allowed to choose, it hasn't been imposed on him) I am the primary carer for him - this is because my husband works away a lot and when he is here, he often works 12-14 hour days so I do the school runs, sort homework, after school activities etc.

Over the years I have tried to form a good/better relationship with him eg sharing interests, going to watch him play sports matches, taking him for days out, spending time alone with him and spending weekends alone so he can spend time alone with his dad. On top of that we've tried desperately to make him feel like we're a family - we always take him on holiday with us, when we got married he was best man, we have family pictures all round the house, we make sure my family treat him like part of the family etc but he continually rejects me from the idea of family - asked me to keep my maiden name when we married, wants photos without me in them and all kinds of day to day things which make it clear he thinks I'm an outsider. We even sent him to a counsellor to try and help him move on but he still lives in the past - he cannot accept his dad left his mum because he was desperately unhappy and now he's happy with me and we're a family and my dss is an important part of that - he simply doesn't wish to be in a new family and doesn't want me in his life.

To top it all off, when I look after him (which is most of the time he is with us) he is sulky, disobedient and disrespectful. My husband is brilliant and backs me up completely but the weeks my dss visits are a living hell, fraught with tension, arguments and me feeling like a visitor in my own home.

Now our ds has arrived, things are even more difficult - dss is hugely jealous of ds, whenever my husband picks ds up or wants to spend time with him, dss interrupts eg physically tries to get between them, desperately attention seeks etc. Although dss appears quite sweet to ds eg he will kiss him, pat him, try and make him smile etc, he also resents him and regularly complains about him - hates that sometimes plans need to be made around feeds, nap times etc, complains to his mum that ds keeps him awake at night when in fact ds is an angel at night and never cries and so on

My concern now is how dss' behaviour will impact ds. I am so worried that when ds is a little bit older he will see how dss treats me and treat me the same or the fact that dss hates me will influence ds' feelings in some way. I hate the idea of my little boy being routinely exposed to a close relative - an older brother who he will look up to - who treats me like he wishes I didn't exist. On top of that, dss' behaviour is a massive strain on dh and I we constantly think things will improve but they don't and the tension and stress caused by dss' behaviour is awful...

My husband totally understands and is sympathetic but we are at a total loss as to what to do. My parents think we should limit contact with dss to maybe 2 weekends a month to make life easier and to ensure ds isn't influenced but it seems the wrong answer - I think dss is reacting to me out of jealousy and pushing him out isn't going to make him less jealous but we can't carry on like this

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Any ideas on how we should handle it?

What role does dss's mother play, does she badmouth you to him?

When dh and I first got together she was vicious, constantly critical of anything I did, she used to also email dh telling him how much dss hated me and hated spending time with me and only wanted to see his dad on his own - we persisted though and back in those days, dss was actually less horrific towards me than he is now - he seems to be getting worse not better. His mum is now in a new relationship and so wants dss to spend time with us (even choosing for me to look after dss in order that she can spend time with her boyfriend) so she has got better - not perfect but far more civil and cooperative to the point she and I can have a pleasant social conversation (in front of dss so he knows at least on the face of it we are ok)...what goes on behind closed doors though is unknown

My immediate impression from your op is that he is craving attention from his Dad. Do they get one to one time?

I'm gobsmacked, OP.
Wrote a similar post recently in reply to a more general question of seeing dsc as part of the family. Actually felt bad about it, though perhaps I could have done that bit more to win them over. But you did/ are doing soooo much and it's still not enough
In our couple counseling sessions the therapist did point out how difficult it is for kids to be disloyal to their mother (perhaps more so when she appears a bit of a narc...), why is it they never feel disloyal to dad or guilty for trying to ruin his happiness (dh once confronted his teen dd on that, the usual shrug, I don't know answer followed).
Can only offer moral support and say that once dh's exw started new relationship the (open ) viciousness stopped, too, but her kids don't seem to have registered that at all... (Dss also here 50:50, but at 13 and no rival baby sibling, he's just like yours).

I am certain that your DSS behaviour will change - possibly significantly - before your DS is old enough to be aware if his behaviour.

Your DSS is entering adolescence, a time when peer groups change, hormones start to flow and priorities change.

I'm not saying, for one moment, that it will get easier - but it WILL be different and planning for the future based on his current behaviour is unlikely to be useful.

I think you may want to consider some natural consequences for his current behaviour - perhaps take a step back from providing his primary care where possible, even if that means he misses out on extracurricular activities, or sits bored while Dad does some chores/paperwork. He's old enough to know that you can choose not to do extras if he behaves inappropriately.

They do, although admittedly not an awful lot - my dh goes to work before dss gets up in the morning and is not home till around dss' bedtime, some weeks he travels on business so dss only sees him part of the week. At weekends, dss plays sport Saturday and Sunday morning so there is really only the afternoons, when dh tries to spend time with dss but often dss chooses to have friends round or we have things we have to do as a family eg see the rest of the family.

What we've found though is that the more time dh spends alone with dss the more time dss wants to be alone with dh - if dh takes him off alone, dss is never 'satisfied' so to speak - the more alone time he gets the more sulky and difficult he is when it ends.

He also frequently fails to recognise the time dh does spend with him - in the past when he's complained he never has his dad to himself/alone we've sat him down and shown him in hours how much of the weekend dh has spent alone with him and even on occasions when it's virtually the whole weekend, he still denies he gets to spend time with his dad...

It's almost like he doesn't see 'time alone with dad' in the same way we do but we cannot get him to tell us (either through choice or because as a 10 yr old he isn't capable) what would satisfy him

It sounds as if you are doing all the right things, but your DH will have make more time for his son. Dss probably resents the fact that he spends so much time with you instead of his dad.

I wonder if part of the trouble is that you are looking after him during contact time. I would reduce contact time and only have him there when DH is also around.

He may well decide then that he enjoys the time with you and appreciate you more. I think you've done more than enough and maybe the time is right to step back and let your DH parent his son.

If I were you I would refuse to look after him when DH isn't there. If he wants 1-1 time with Dad then let him only see his Dad when this is possible. If he hates you that much he won't want to spend time with you anyway!
No doubt the ex wife will jump in on your side when she realises she will lose some of her free time with her bf.

Thank you for all your advice, I think the way forward may be refusing to look after him, I don't want to do it for dh's sake but I think you may all be right that the situation is made worse by the fact that I do have him so much...and Maluku, I think you're right, I will soon have the ex trying to fix things so she has her free time back!

I agree, I don't see why you should be looking after him when he is openly hostile. That may be fuelling his frustration, he's at his dad's house, but not getting to spend time with him, that must be hard for a child his age.

I would get your h to plan his time so that DSS only stays when h can spend time with him, either alone or as a family. Any notes or brazen rudeness needs to be picked up and DSS should be told that he can feel however he likes about you, but he must act respectfully. You shouldn't have to tolerate anyone being rude to you in your own home, regardless of how upset he may be that his parents split up.

Most people seem to advocate clear boundaries and discipline for children who have been unsettled. Him being mollycoddled and indulged when he is being rude and disruptive will just make him think that he's justified and that his dad feels guilty.

I agree strongly: don't look after him. He doesn't deserve it and it isn't doing him any good. I also agree with your parents, reduce the amount of time he comes so yours is truly his 2nd home. That will emphasise to him that you are a family unit and leave it open to him to join in more when he chooses.

Your DS needs you -- this boy has two parents, neither of whom were preoccupied with a rude 10 y o when he was a baby.

Kids become too important in these situations. In a more standard family setup kids just have to get on with it -- there would never be a situation where every other family member was puzzling over how/why they felt etc. It will be good for him if his impact is trimmed back.

Why not regard it not as a failure but as a positive thing about him moving up to a new 'tween/teen' age group. You could tell your DH now he's in double figures he's launched as a child and no longer will benefit from 'childcare' by you. Instead he needs to be taken out and about by DH and hang out like a young adult. It could be said to him that now he's older he has his own preferences and if he's not having a good time at yours he can go home (let mum's become home no.1).

Maybe you should reduce the time hes with you when dh isnt there, he might prefer to be with his mum when his dad is working.

Right - lets punish a 10yr old, who is craving his Dads attention and yes probably does resent the fact that Dad is not around. (not OPs fault - well done for looking after him)

Lets limit his time and punish him with less time with his sibling, so he feels more isolated from Dad and his new family

A 10 yr old struggling to understand why Dad left his "family" and now is happy in one which he is only in part of the time - come on most 10 yr olds and under do not get parental happiness or its nuances till they are much older.

To put it into context, my 6yr old told me new family have my Daddy all the time, I get a little bit of that time and then they tell me I have to share him in my time - so I get less tha nothing . He resents the new family having his Daddy more than he does.

Lets make it the Exs problem - this is not her issue it is your DPs

Sorry your DP needs to grow some and sort out his childcare of his child in his contact time. This is not your problem - but you are all for punishing the child and the Ex rather than getting Dad to sort his responsibilities out.

I agree with TheyDeserve - he wants to come and spend 50/50 time with his DAD! No wonder he is confused, jealous and angry. The way out of this is for your DH to stop treating you like the babysitter ad either spend some more time with his son, or explain to him that maybe he needs to be home with his mother more if he is so unhappy as he cannot get off work. Poor boy.

How is the DC's Mum being punished by the OP refusing to care for her DSS?

Jut because the DC's parents can't agree on a care schedule that they are both happy with without relying on the OP doesn't obligate the OP to fulfil that role.

The OP's proposal is that she tells her DP that she won't care for his DS anymore. How her DP chooses to respond to that is up to him. If he reduces contact with his DS, then that is his choice - and if he does, then it is his choice that will impact negatively on his ex's time with her b/f, nothing to do with the OP at all!

Was not blaming the OP - it is her DP who needs to spend time with his son, quality time that is.

He has set an arrangement with his EX and he needs to make it work.

Impacting on her child free time, because her EX refuses to grow a pair and be a proper parent is unfair on her. It might require some more negotiation with his EX but just halving the time and expecting her to pick up the slack - is not fair.

Her DP is the problem and this should have been sorted out years ago. The new DC has compounded it.

Sorry theydeserve - I misread your line This is not your problem - but you are all for punishing the child and the Ex

In my defence - I've had a tough day!

apology accepted - it could have been read both ways.

We all seem to think that kids understand in the way we do about relationships, love feelings etc - they just do not get the nuances.

We expect adult acceptance and understanding from some very confused, hurt little people, on a situation which is not their fault and yes they can be little sh1ts just like any other kid - just this always gets blamed on the other bad parenting, disney dad, bad mum, bad step mum etc etc.

Ask a child to share their sweets with someone else, and you will usually get a less than favourable response - same with their Dad.

This is so sad. I really feel for you op. Even though my dsc would not be so openly rude to me as yours, i know for a fact that they just want to be a family with their dad and half sibling and like to pretend I don't exist.

They'll walk in and excitedly say 'hello' to our lo, but despite the fact she's usually in my arms, they won't look at me and try to ignore my hellos. It really sucks and I often feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own home.

The problem is that the more they reject me the more I withdraw to protect my feelings. I can't imagine that we'll ever successfully blend and I too have worried about how things will be when our lo is older. I'm sure baby will adore her older siblings as they love her and they're great with her but how awful will it be for lo to know that they resent and dislike me.

Whether your as likes the situation or not he should not be allowed to be so deliberately rude to you. If he dislikes you so much then why does he chose to come when his dad is working away ect? It's just making everybody miserable so it definately sounds like things need to change.

If your husband has to work the hours that he does then the only answer may be for him to spend more time with his mum and quality time with his dad on his days off. This isn't punishing him. It must be much worse for him to be spending so much time with someone he dislikes so much.