I wonder....

[Georgia82]

Does it ever get easier?

My dsc lives with us the majority of the time aside from seeing mum eow. There is a lot of animosity on both sides and it's a very long story which I won't go into because of time and not wanting to 'out' us.

The ex w is a very complicated character and still hurting from her marriage breakdown ( I think) and gets this confused with what is best for her child. Therefore there seem to be constant battles.

Presently, there is a refusal to make a regular contribution to her dc in terms of CSA payments. Ex believes this to be the case because she wants to see dc more but can't due to the fact that she lives a sizeable distance away. Instead, because DH has opened up the discussion she prefers to claim that he is after money from her because of greed and for my children....

Recent discussions have turned sour, so I'm of the opinion that my DH should just not bother. don't get me wrong, we are not wealthy people but I just feel that if morally she doesn't think she should pay, then leave her to it. We've coped so far, dc is not missing out.

As with all stores there's lots more to this, but am trying to keep it brief.

Thoughts?

I can only speak from my own personal experience and I'm of the opinion of no, it doesn't get easier (well it hasn't yet and I'm more than several years in). That does of course depend on how difficult the ex is and how much animosity is present.

I feel so envious of those on here who's DH/DPs are able to parent to a degree with minimal interference from the ex.

If she is refusing to pay support, why doesn't your DH ring up the CSA. She really should be paying something even if it's the minimal amount.

But, indirectly, your DSC is missing out.

The money the NRParent is liable to pay could be saved for the DCs future if you don't need it towards day to day things. As the DC gets older, it may permit access to optional school trips or extracurricular activities.

It's a sad fact that a significantly higher % of DCs who are resident with their Dads are deprived of child maintenance compared to those who live with their Mums.

Thanks Feeling.

I too am envious. Things used to be amicable, and then changed... Such a shame.

It may well come to going to the CSA but DH was trying to avoid more arguments. Instead he got flamed for mentioning it! It seems now that she may reconsider as I think she's cottoned on that the CSA will undoubtedly says she needs to pay a certain amount,do instead she is drawing up an idea via legal channels ( which will probably cost her more than a few mths payments) - crazy. Tbh we just want to be able to plan our finances as best we can so we can save / pay for clothes etc...

Good points Frogstar!

Yes, indirectly DC is missing out.

A solution could be to save it for the future, however I won't lie, it would help us, I do feel like the children miss out because we can only afford the bare minimum ( no holidays here etc..) mind you, lots of families are in that position.

Interesting point re % of children missing out living with fathers. What is the source out of interest?

georgia I'm at work but will post the link when I get home - it was based on American data, and although there's not the same statistics available here in the UK, the article hypothesised why the situation in the UK would be similar. One of the reasons seemed to be what you are describing; a reluctance on the part of the Dad to be 'the bad guy' and pursue his DCs mother for money.
It does seem less socially acceptable to refer to a NRMum as deadbeat mum in these situations, doesn't it?

Thanks Frogstar.

Yep, in our case, had a man displayed the same actions / opinions as the ex w he would be hauled over the Coles by many... All this is ironic given that DH paid above and beyond CSA calculations when circumstances were different, because he wanted to. Trouble with all this discussion is it makes a child seem 'pay as you go' which is why I thought to leave things... It's all so unsavoury.

I think it's considered much more socially acceptable to be a NRP dad than a NRP mum. Yet ironically it's much more socially acceptable to be a non maintenance paying NRP if you're a mum.

IME many people think...

Dad NRP = deadbeat dad, left the kids, not a good parent.

Mum NRP = MUST have PND & didn't get enough support poor thing

Bollocks to that!
You are right that it's not socially 'acceptable' to be an NRP mum
I'm 100 miles away from DD
See her EOW
I drive there and back (400 miles in a weekend) always have always will
I pay CSA and extras HAPPILY!

This makes me angry. She should pay for her child!!
Call the CSA on her!

Breville - you actually made me laugh out loud with the 'bollocks' comment. Thank you!

Second time that I have read a post from you today that fills me with hope.

To be fair to the ex w, she does the majority of the travelling, but has used this as a reason in the past as to why she feels that she doesn't have to pay maintenance.... I really try to see it from her point of view but really struggle. It's not so much the amount, it's the fact that the subject has never been broached or even a meagre offer made.

To give an example. I pay £70 per week via CSA.
I don't care whether that money goes on food, nappies, petrol or a trip out.
The main thing is

It goes towards creating a happy family environment for my DD to live in.

I pay for the diesel to drive there and back. School uniform items/ shoes swimming/keyboard lessons etc.

Why?

Because I have a lifelong responsibility to her.
Because I love her
Because her other parents do the stuff I'm not there to do
Because I love them and the fact they've given my DD two siblings

And most of all
BECAUSE IM HER MUM AND ITS RIGHT