Childless SD needing advice

[DHB2014]

Hi, this is my first post. I looked up my issues online and this website seems to be the place to seek advice. I've been living with my partner for about 18 months and together for two years. She has an eight year old from a previous relationship. Initially I struggled to bond with her daughter. They had been on their own since the girl was a few months old, so had a pretty tight relationship. In fact the little girl has been treated more like an adult and a 'friend' by her than a daughter. I don't have kids so it was tough. At first I'll be honest I couldn't wait until the SD went to her dads. She was more of a hinderence unfortunately. We did bond over time and had a pretty good relationship, but as she grows up she has become really difficult to continue growing this bond with. She seems to have no respect for me as an adult and talks to me in a way I don't find acceptable for a child to talk to an adult. Often really difficult and rude which is odd for someone so young but again she has been treated like an adult by her mum and thinks it fine. When I raise issues with my partner she says my attitude is wrong. I am only treating her in a way that I would my own daughter, I'm not the evil step father.
I do plan to marry her mum but in recent times the relationship between me and SD is unbearable. I am in the dark as to how to make this liveable again, I really see big problems in our future if this doesn't improve and to be honest, the wedding is hanging in the balance. Am I being selfish or wrong here or are these normal issues?

Hey DHB,

I find your post troubling...I don't think your issue is with your DSD. She's a child at the end of the day. You need to discuss this with your DP.

From what I can tell, her mum needs to put some boundaries in place. My DP and his ExW always ensures that his DC understand my role and my ability to chastise them if they are naughty. if they are rude or naughty towards me, then they know there are consequences to that.

I'm lucky, my DP makes sure the DSC are happy, but that they also adhere to the standard house rules - of good behaviour (he and their mum set them...despite the horridness between them, this is a good thing).

I hope you resolve this...but please dont blame the kids...you have to deal with this as adults first....

PC

Dhb, I'm in a v similar situation. I'd urge you towards couple counseling and take it from there...
Agree with above poster that it's not the child's fault, it's the parent who put the dc on a pedestal.
My dh and his exw BOTH treated their ds and dd as little adults all their lives. I always felt pushed out by them but could never put my finger on it, until I read about "spousification", I,e, giving your dc adult or BFF status. Of course my dsc resisted and still do my presence,after all they were fulfilling all their parents emotional needs (their stepdad seems to be receiving similar treatment even though he bends over backwards for them too).
I was a lone parent with ds for 8 years, but strangely enough ds embraced dh and they get on fine (I'd be even happier if dh weren't walking on eggshells around his kids re his relationship to my ds, I.e. Afraid they'd be jealous, while wanting me to "mother" them).
Perhaps your dp simply needs a third party to point out to her that she is harming her dd with her behaviour, robbing her of her right to be a child.
Good luck, trust your instincts.