Dh and my ds constantly fighting - I'm so low and worried

[Breakpoint]

I am so confused about what to do and could really do with writing it down and possible hearing similar stories or some sage advice. Please excuse typos (writing on phone).

Dh and i Have been married for three years (together for 6). We both have kids from previous relationships (my 12 yo ds and his 9 and 11 yo). Together we have a 2.5 ds. I would say that on the whole we are generally a pretty functional blended family - the kids get on; I get on with his kids and ex and they all adore the baby.

The problem is my DH's relationship with my son as they are sometimes at each other's throats and neither seem to be able to control their tempers with each other, even when it is in front of the baby (which really upsets and worries me). Usual scenario is that DH will ask DS to do something (tidy his room is a real flare point) and DS will procrastinate and eventually get really heated and stamp his feet and strop, sometimes way out of proportion to the what he has been asked to do. DH will then become furious and ban broadband which will set DS off into a major tantrum, which results with more shouting.

Tonight, DH set DS off about something (asking him to do something he didnt want to) and it resulted in a shouting match and DH insisting that I 'do somethinb'. He thinks that DS is disrespectful, spoiled, rude and that I dont support him enough. I feel I want to keep the peace, particulalry as we have a lovely, happy 2 yr old, who I don't want to grow up in a shouty house. I also feel DH is stubborn, a bit disciplinarian and sometimes a bit depressed (he has health issues) and that he doesn't accommodate DS enough (eg picking his battles, understanding his age and puberty, appreciating that he misses his real dad, who lives abroad - so there is also a dose of rejection thrown in). At the same time, I appreciate that DS can be hard work, specifically when he is asked to do something. But he is also warm hearted, behaves well at school, is polite etc and I think the constant telling off is making him worse.

I feel completely trapped. If it weren't for my 2.5 yo, I may consider leaving DH as i worry about their relationship and my DS. But it would devastate my toddler's life as well as DS, as deep down he does love DH. I want to say to DH to behave like the adult but he just totally disagrees with my point of view and sees it that my son is disrespecting him and is a nightmare. He is so angry with me.

Sorry sorry for rambling.

I sympathise. I have had a shouting match with my 14 yr old DS tonight, same thing. He is rude, won't do anything we ask and stamps and strops about the place - typical teenager!!
I've taken his ipod away until he can be nice!!
Maybe your DH needs to take a step back and let you discipline him and in turn you need to show you won't tolerate bad behaviour.

Thanks kaluki - I accept the teenager thing more than DH - it is typical I think.
Someone suggested 'how to talk to kids will listen' to me; apparently there is one specifically for teenager.

Your DS is acting like a teenager. So is your DH.

Soon his own kids will start to be really challenging and he may realise there is a better way to parent. But can you, and more importantly your DS, wait that long?

I would insist that he leaves the management and discipline of your DS to you.

I would insist that he leaves the management and discipline of your DS to you.

I agree - but - suggest that everyone has a clear understanding of what boundaries are in place, which are non-negotiable, and which are open to discussion.
Without that, then you are setting yourselves up to fail because you and your DH still need to be a united front even if the discipline/consequences are enforced by you.

Without agreeing boundaries in advance you could end up with you deciding to overlook DS's wet towel that your DH has to step over on the floor but your DH thinking you are disrespecting him by not addressing it with your DS.

If your DS realises that you will enforce the agreed boundaries, in time he may be a lot more receptive to your DHs authority too.

Thank you olga and frog. I think I do need to do the disciplining but also to be tougher as i tend to try to keep the peace as opposed to maintaining boundaries. It sounds like a cop out but I am trying to maintain calm with other kids about. I am going to write out the boundaries and consequences and agree them with all, the there can be no dispute.

Sometimes with teens I have discovered that you do have to pick your battles.

My DP thinks I can be a bit soft on DS1 but sometimes it is more that I just don't have the energy for yet another row with him.
DS1 is the oldest of our kids so I am feeling the brunt of the teen phase with him now but I reminded DP last night that his DS will soon be that age and he will be dealing with all of this too!

We sometimes have similar issues with my DP and his 12 yo DS, my DSS. Take a look at this website - it's really interesting regarding making consequences "natural" - turning off a computer doesn't really follow as a natural consequence from not tidying your room, it just leads to shouting.

discipline.about.com/od/disciplinebyage/u/Guide-To-Child-And-Teen-Discipline.htm#s3

discipline.about.com/od/disciplinebyage/u/Guide-To-Child-And-Teen-Discipline.htm#s3

Uc, brilliant website, thank you. The advice on there is so common-sense, very helpful!

Kaluki, I really second your comment about " pick your battles" ! My last bugbear with my teen DSS has been hairwashing, I absolutely gave up because I always ended up the bad person, but I couldnt stand him going out with greasy hair when he himself knows how much nicer it feels to have clean hair. I resisted and resisted, backed off a lot - days would go by with him going to school with lank hair then hey-presto he now starts to do it for himself, due to the natural consequences of feeling like his hair was stuck to his head!

Frog,
I had the "wet towel on bed" one.. That was before the lanky hair one its like painting the Forth Bridge, never-ending!

Breakpoint, just to give you moral support, it is very difficult esp as you have DCs of different ages, but you sound like a lovely family!

Hi guys, just checked here. Thanks uc for site - will check it out as sounds very interesting and yes, our 'punishments 'aren't wirking. daisy I had a version of the greasy hair with Ds and his teeth; he just wouldn't brush them properly no matter what I said or did - even the dentist told him off. However, out of the blue it has hit him that clean, white (ie not green) teeth are a good thing, and now he is doing it!

kaluki I know what you mean about reserving energy - I honestly find my teen much harder work than my toddler. The emotional, mental energy expended is more intense.

I agree with you needing to do the discipline. We had 3 boys between us. The teenage years were......challenging...

However, dh disciplined his, and I disciplined mine. however, I gave up on the bedroom issue at 12. It was their shit tip and I just shut the door on it.
I think that is a battle best left to lie with teenagers....!

Also I do think broadband battles are par for the course with teens.

There was one poster who's dh used to sleep with the router under his pillow every night! [grin.]